MEMOIRS OF A BROKEN MAN.(me,my life and the lives, of the people in my world)

NEVER AGAIN!

2009-09-04T10:56:00.002+12:00

I will never let you do this to me again , the words you said last night still resonate in my ears. Go ahead and move you said, go on with your life you told me. I will ,I will go on. I will go on be happy and never let you or anyone do this to me again.

Good luck to you I say...

I miss you so.

2009-06-18T12:45:00.004+12:00

There is much much pain that time could not erase. Some wounds are much too deep. But not a day goes by I don't think of you. The day the nights and all the monents in beteween. My hearts bleads , my soul empty. But what am I to do? I am not sure anymore . I know you will read this and I know you will think of me. And I know I will wake up tomorrow once again with no one to hold. No one to embrace and once again only one cup of coffee will brew. But the thought the smell the tase of you is forever ingraved in my mind your touch still fresh on my skin, your kiss still soft on my lips. I wanted you to know that I have not forgotten all the good times and all you taugh and enlightened me with. Memories, you always said hold on to your memories and I have!

Te amo ,always and for ever, take care and God bless.

Day five.

2009-06-17T13:27:00.006+12:00

Woke up with a whole new outlook. Swelling has subsided substantially. After being locked up for the last four days I decided to venture into the great outdoors. Amazing what a hat and dark sunglasses will do. I went out incognito . A stop at Tims for a large coffee and I was on my way.My camera along and I was off northbound. Drove out to Caledon , Inglewood and many other preferred areas, man I would give anything to live out there. The country air was calling me. A beautiful day, sun was shinning , windows down sunroof open and some old Spanish music I love to listen to ,what a gorgeous day.My Doc called , he was returning a frantic call I made to his office late last night . I was beginning to think something was wrong. He reassured me it was quite normal to get some swelling unfortunately I was one of the very few that experience severe post op swelling. He said it's always the good guys that finish last . We had a couple of laughs and I was more at ease.
I can already feel little hairs popping through my scalp , I have been told they will probably fall off and new ones will grown in their place. I can't wait to have a full head of hair again not like when I was twenty of course but maybe like when I was thirty , good enough for me.I am looking forward to the new adventures in my life a new beginning a new outlook a new me!

Vanity insanity!

2009-06-15T02:45:00.008+12:00

I am not one to do things likely or take many chances. Before I decided to go ahead with my hair transplant I did my due diligence , I researched it , I made many inquiries via telephone and e-mails with many clinics. I decided to go ahead and book the procedure with SHI ( Sure Hair International ) they have many offices with their north york office performing all the procedures.Dr Ferreira was very professional but also down to earth , we joked around and he made me feel very comfortable.After the procedure he said he would call for three days to check up on me and he was true to his word. The problem I have and I am not sure if you can even call it a problem , the situation I am dealing with right now is the swelling. I was not aware of the possible (severe) swelling that may occur.According to the information I have recently discovered( of course after my surgery LOL)is that approximately 50% of patients experience some sort of swelling with a low percentage experiencing very severe swelling. I happen to fall into the lower percentage category. I am feeling fine in every way but the swelling has kept me prisoner in my own home. Please don't judge me, it's true I don't want people to see me this way, but also, my eye sight has been drastically reduced, as the swelling around my eyes has left me with limited vision.Please don't take this post as a bitch session , I am just letting you know that sometimes no amount of questions can give you all the answers. Vanity insanity what we won't do to look better. I am very hopeful and I am sure that I have made the right decision , I am looking forward to the new me.

Hair transplant ( part 3 )

2009-06-13T23:41:00.004+12:00

Well, it's been three days now. Not much pain but the swelling is still present. This morning I woke and could not open my eyes. The swelling had made it's way down from my forehead to the area around my eyes.All I could think of, was that old song "turning Japanese" LOL. I am sure this is temporary. The Dr called me last night as he said he would . I think he was somewhat surprised that I had swelled up so much but he reassured me it would subside with in two to three days. I haven't gone out since Thursday morning ,the of the surgery and I am starting to feel claustrophobic.This morning I rinsed my head as per the instructions , I swear I could already see more hair.I keep telling myself it will all be worth it in the end. After all there is a price to pay for any gain.I haven't slept in my bed since the surgery I am not to sleep on my stomach so not to disturb the transplanted area. The couch is comfy enough for a nap but two nights on it and my lower back is starting to bother me.I have been chronicling my progress with photos to be posted at a later date . Frank has called me regularly to check up on me and my friend Lia has kept in touch via Text messaging. Still I wish I could go out in public but I fear I may scare some people or even my self . Last thing I need is people starring at me and pointing fingers , I never liked being the centre of attention. Some would ask,why then would you do all this? well, I do what I do for me and for me only!
Thank you for listening ...

New hair follow up.

2009-06-12T12:52:00.002+12:00

Well I finally did it. My head feels and looks twice its size. I am numb from the neck up; it took about 10 hours luckily with all the drugs they gave me I slept through most of it. They were able to implant more then 3000 grafts. I am told I will feel some pain for a few days and the swelling will get worse before it gets better. I have a cocktail of meds to take prior to going to bed so I should (hopefully) be able to get through the night relatively well. My head is covered with little dots were the incisions were made (can you say chia pet)? Anyway I am looking forward to the new and improved ME! I wanted to take a moment to take my very good friend Frank, he was kind enough to pick me up first thing this morning go out of his way to drop me off and pick me up when it was all done to drive me home, it is a good feeling to have someone I can count on Thanks buddy!

He is big now

2009-06-11T12:58:00.002+12:00

Today I heard two co workers talk about their kids. One who happens to be a good buddy of mine was telling the other co worker that he is glad his son is big now and he doesn't have to pick him up or carry him around. I know his son and he is but only 8 years young. my son is 10 and I still pick him up when he wants to be picked up , I still kiss and hug him and tell him I love him every chance I get, when I lay on the couch he jumps on me and we lay down together and watch TV. I still read to him at night and sometimes he falls asleep next me and I later tuck him in his bed. I treasure all these moments because I know how fast time passes by us, only to one day ask, where did the years go? I love my son and there is nothing I won't do for him, I would give my life for him with out a thought. I wish all fathers and mothers would stop for one moment step back and make time for their kids. Children grow up too fast these days and there is very little time for them to be kids. I will never stop loving nor hugging nor kissing nor telling him how proud I am and how much I love him. When he is too old to hear these things I will still say them, if I have to I will say them under my breath but he will always know his dad loves him and will never stop loving or treasuring him.

My new hair

2009-06-10T07:29:00.002+12:00

Well I decided to go through with it, after much research and soul searching I decided to get my hair done. The last few years have taken a tole on me , my confidence level has definitely slipped . I used to stand proud , but lately I have noticed more and more hair disappearing . I am scheduled for a hair transplant this coming Thursday , they tell me it might take up to a year before I see the full transformation. I have recently started working out at a gym and have noticed many improvements already.But no matter what I do or try to hide under a baseball cap there is no denying the years that have come and gone. Don't get me wrong I am not trying to cheat time but maybe delay is just a little.I will post some photos in the months to come.Wish me luck !

Another weekend

2009-06-08T11:43:00.002+12:00

Well another weekend has come and gone, 5 pm Sunday came too quick once again.That is the time I drop my son off at his grandparents. His mom was supposed to be there to pick him up but of course she wasn't there. I am not sure if she was even going to be there to pick him up or maybe he might stay there over night. According to the agreement he has to be there by 5pm, so not much else I can do.We went to see the new Disney movie "UP" what a wonderful film.Not you typical Disney movie, my son actually cried on the way home when we talked about the movie and some of the more tender moments in it. What else did we do? well we also went to the flea market , he was looking to trade some of his older video games for a very popular Pokemon game, no luck. He was so happy when a boy and his dad inquired about an old hand held system they had for sale and were told it would cost 40 dollars! The look on his face , you see the day before we visited some garage sales and we purchased the same system for 2 dollars. He looked at me, we both smiled and gave high fives. It was one of those great moments that make me glad to be a dad.
I love you buddy can't wait for more adventures.

I should be so lucky!

2009-05-18T16:35:00.002+12:00

Guy what are you doing? I can see she is so into you and all you intend on doing is to eventually hurt her as well. Let her go now, don't do this to her man! I should be so lucky to find someone like her. The way she smiles the way her eyes light up. When I saw her reach out to hold your hand and you walked away I wanted to run up to her and offer mine. When I saw her put her head on your shoulder and put her hand in yours I hated you for that ,I hated you for what you are about to do. God I wish I was sitting in your place.I wanted to hold her and kiss her and whisper in her ear , all the while I knew this was not the way that things would be . Destiny has betrayed me once again, and in such a cruel way reminded me that perhaps this is still a part of my punishment for the man I once was.This will never be mine. I miss the feeling of being loved, I miss the warmth and tenderness I once took for granted. Man, I have been such a fool.Is it possible to love someone at first glance? To desire someone so much that you hate your best friend for what he has? I wish I could tell her so that she would look into my eyes and fall in love with me the way she has with you, this also will never be!

Can't forget

2009-04-30T12:37:00.002+12:00

Man you really did a number on me this time around. No matter how I try and God knows I have tried, I just can't get you out of my mind. I can't sleep , I can't think , I can't function.I am so fucking pissed ! Why do you do this to me? I am sure you are now back in his arms and once again I am left to figure out what this was all about and left to try and rebuild once again the little bit of a life I had left after you deserted me the last time. I hate you for what you have done! I wish I could fall asleep and forget you , I wish I could just erase you, I wish I wish but I can't , I can't and I blame you for this pain and anger I feel deep inside my body . My blood boils and my fists are clenched. I HOPE YOU CAN SLEEP, CAUSE I CAN'T!

Again

2009-04-21T13:05:00.003+12:00

You come in and out of my life like a thief in the night. There is no room in your world for someone such as me. Yet you reach out to me in time of need perhaps even loneliness. I too am a person with heart , flesh and blood , I also hurt I also cry. I can not and will not let you do this to me AGAIN! I can't I won't be a part of your mad existence and fantasy that you have created for your self.I am not your fall guy. I am not the fool I once was. Good luck to you and God bless.

A shoulder to cry on

2009-04-03T13:53:00.004+12:00

Dad calls me to tell me mom is driving him crazy. Mom calls me in tears to tell me she is thinking of leaving dad. My sister calls me complaining about one brother , the other brother complains to me about the other. One of my best friends calls me to tell me his wife doesn't love him and they are getting a divorce. My other friend wants to drown his sorrow with a bottle.Mom says out of all her kids I am the only one she can talk to, my friends say the same. I ask this one question , who is then left for me to call?
I am surrounded by family and friends and yet I feel so alone.Where is my shoulder to cry on, where is my confidant. I guess that is my burden , my cross. I have always been a good listener , I have always cared about others and their difficulties. All I ask for is that just one I would like to be able to speak and be heard.

People don't change

2009-03-15T13:57:00.006+12:00

Surprise surprise. Wow man I should have known ! I let my guard down again and you came in with both barrels blasting at me.I welcomed you back into my home , my life my heart. Now you go back to your old ways. I was never first on your list and now I come to the conclusion that I was possibly never even on it.Before you decide to mess up some one's life again take a moment to take stock of your own . Try to figure out what it is that drives you to come in and out of my life. You disrupt my world turn my nights upside down. STOP and look both ways before you cross my street again.

Once again.

2009-03-08T07:16:00.005+12:00

To say, that I am disappointed would be a great understatement. I truly don't know the word for what I feel at this moment.I have always said, ours was a friendship of convenience. I merely filled a temporary void in your life. I often said to your dismay and denial, that once someone else fills this emptiness, you would have no further use for my existence in your life.When I needed you the most you were no where in sight .
I reached a point were I felt I was alone, overworked and overwhelmed with life ,I needed your friendship but instead you discarded me like yesterdays trash. I will never profess to my being perfect. I can however, whole heartily and without prejudice say that I am a man that can truly be counted and depended upon. I have always been there for you and yours without question nor malice.
Four long and lonely months have gone by and now you find your self looking to once again fill this void and you come to me "old dependable". After our conversation last night it became more than ever so apparent that my skepticism was correct.
Last night you filled me up with the joy of laughter, but also with the sorrow of a heartache.When I awoke this morning I was bewildered and confused. I suddenly remembered our conversation and I felt ill. I was upset at myself for allowing my thoughts to get carried away in lieu of my better judgement.
I don't know which road we will travel from this day forth. I do know with ambiguity that I will look both ways from now on.

Forever I wait

2009-02-26T14:13:00.003+12:00

You said you'd call , you didn't.It's OK I still love you , how can I not? One day you will learn it all , you may not understand it all but you will know it all.
But yet I still wait hoping you haven't forgotten . Perhaps you're busy with life friends and more. I understand , still I wait.The days are long since you've been gone. The time we've missed , I wish we could have back.I will wait and I will wait and I will wait. To me you could do no wrong!
Good night....

cold lonely winter

2009-02-17T15:11:00.001+12:00

You can complain all you want, I won't stop listening.
You may be right, the winters are long and cold and there is too much time to reflect on life. I think it may be more than just the winter doldrums though. For me it's the acknowledgment of my own mortality. I will be 44 years young next month and I can't help but think of my life, past present and future. My life has certainly been one miscalculation after another. I may have been some what delusional to think that things would have taken a different turn. When I reflect on my past I now know the course had been entrenched and there would be no wavering. The stones were laid and the path was set and certain. The winter is cold yes, but lonely without question. I live for the days when my son visits (God ten years ago I never thought I would ever say , when my son visits) however this is the path that this story has taken me on and I must endure the torment in order to complete the cycle and fulfill my destiny , what ever that may be.
The great narrator (if you believe there is one) tells the story and I live on in this role of persona non grata in my own sometimes fictional character. Tonight is not especially cold but I lack the warmth that my heart requires.
It is, a cold and lonely winter.

It's been long enough.

2009-01-16T14:19:00.003+12:00

Man,will it ever end? It's been almost seven years since my separation, nine if you count the last two years of torment and utter horror . It never ceases to amaze me how she thinks the world revolves around her. She uses my son as an excuse to accomplish her goals. God sees all , the day of reckoning will soon come ! I am not holly man nor am I righteous man , but I know that I am a good man , I don't live my life for others to fear. I will hold the door open for a stranger , I won't look the other way if someone requires aid. It baffles me , the idea, that a human being can live life for the sole purpose of self gratification.It is such a short existence for us on this planet and to think that some can live only to make others miserable astonishes me and strikes me with fear.
God bless!

Night time

2009-01-12T16:09:00.002+12:00

Its difficult surrendering to the night.I sit here and stare out into the darkness , the abyss , the night sky. It's been unusually cold lately . The voice on the radio is my only companion .I struggle with the darkness , I fear for what is to come. Faint lights in the distance , from up here I can imagine what every one of them sees.Love , hope, sorrow , joy . I know there is loneliness out there .Man it's cold tonight.It's late and my alarm will wake me out of my sleep by five am . My duvet drapes my body ,the down hugs me gently. I cocoon myself in my thoughts.The man on the radio says there is a cold weather alert "no fucking kidding"Pack it in and do it all over again tomorrow, JOY!

Just leave me alone.

2009-01-11T18:22:00.001+12:00

Some friend you are! Fuck you would think that maybe you could for one night turn your fucking cell phone off. You come over under the pretense of wanting to catch up on old times. You lecture me on how I need to get out and meet people (women). You say you are happy with all your female friends, they know where you stand your upfront with them, they are aware you are not interested in a relationship. Man I never heard more garbage from anyone else in my life. Your phone rings but before you pick up you tell me to be quiet? Get a grip on reality. Your insight on my supposed state of dysphoria leaves me to wonder about your own state of mind. You say I am lonely and yet you need to encompass yourself with artificial consorts. You call them friends. I much rather be alone and lonely as you put it then need to feel wanted by people who don’t even exist. I am lonely yes at times, who isn’t? For the most part I am content with my life. Only thing I am truly lacking is a companion a confidant a comrade a partner if you will. I don’t remember when I last had someone that I could truly depend on and I don’t suppose I will anytime soon. So I guess you are right I am lonely, but the difference with us is I chose to be on my own, you however are lonely but not alone.

Happy new year !

2009-01-02T15:27:00.003+12:00

And so it ends and so it begins. One more year year older, more gray thinning hair and another hangover. Just me my parents my ungrateful brother and his new girlfriend and new baby( not his first ) but first one with this one. Yes a night to remember , I wish I could just forget. I should have stayed home . Only reason I didn't is cause I was afraid of being alone. I guess I went cause they asked , or was it cause no one else asked? any way it was OK lots to eat and drink but not much else. I think for the first time in a long one I was actually lonely . Maybe it was the idea that I had no one special to say goodbye to the old year with and no one to celebrate the new with.I can't wait to see what this year has in store for me , oh wait , yes I can!

Wake up call.

2008-12-29T15:10:00.004+12:00

Ever have a life altering experience? A moment when time stands still and you think about your life and your existence. A wake up call if you will, or a slap in the face not sure which yet. I had one of those moments tonight. Man what the hell am I doing? I ask myself over and over . Our actions not only affect us , but greatly also those around us .Those that care and love us ,although these days they are few, nonetheless still important.Time for a change I tell myself . I stop for a moment " Déjà vu " Fuck didn't I say these very words to myself not too long ago? Then why the hell am I still on this fucked up ride? The nearest exit I am off!

A friend in need

2008-12-15T14:29:00.003+12:00

My friends, or so called friends, where were you when I needed you? haven't I always been there for you ? Someone once told me my biggest downfall is I do too much for others. I never thought I would ever agree with that statement , unfortunately I am starting to believe that person might have been right. I recently found myself in great need of help. Tremendously overworked and overwhelmed with my current situation and yet not a one came to my aid.I even confronted two of them , two people that I have helped and done so much for through the years. Their response was to attack me and blame me for not asking for help. I guess I thought that the fact that they knew I was doing all of this on my own and the fact that I have given so much of myself to them and to their families , I thought that would have been enough to inspire them to acknowledge our friendships. I guess I was wrong.My friends what would I do with out you?

Probably, I would do much better!
Thank you.

Just a dream.

2008-12-01T13:43:00.002+12:00

I woke up in a cold sweat. My god it was just a dream , my heart races my head spins my vision not clear . For a moment she was mine. In my arms once again like she used to be.A deep desire for the unattainable. The mother of my son, how can a woman so beautiful be so cruel? I ask my self why after all this time after all the pain she has caused , why I can still dream of her this way? I know ,I no longer love her but I guess there is still a part of me that still longs for days gone by. So many years past so many lives altered. My heart still aches , not for her, but rather for love. For the warmth and desire , for the touch and for the smile that greets you at the door. A smile can warm the heart on the coldest ,most brutal winter's day.Anger sets in , sorrow to follow. This too will pass , this is not the first time I have felt like this . I believe I know what destiny has in store for me . Many sleepless nights in my past, surely this one won't be the last. Well I keep telling myself maybe one day I will be able to forget.God knows I can use the rest!

A FATHER

2008-08-09T15:20:00.002+12:00

The phone rang, I answered it. Hello! Dan? I am moving. WHERE, WHEN, WHY?
I yelled I cried I cursed. You have stolen the best years of my son’s life from me and now you are taking him away from me completely. I have done and given everything a father should.

My heart aches and my skin crawls, I am beside myself. This desperate feeling I have felt before. Why is there no peace in my life? I ask the lord above (I get no answer).
A long painful and costly battle ensues. My son I will still get to see just not as frequent as I did before.

My son you will always be
On this earth or in the earth beneath your feet
Your Father I will always be
In the heavens above or in the hells below
A Father I will always be!
The one sure thing no one can take from me.