tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28448258118134522022024-03-16T13:10:44.855+12:00MY LIFE IN MY OWN WORDS Everyday life ..Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.comBlogger123125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-19494559614321537632023-07-19T16:22:00.000+12:002023-07-19T16:22:52.084+12:00The end is near<p> I thought I could forget , I thought I could forgive . But I cry almost daily , tears don’t always show but I cry , my heart cries . My heart bleeds my heart aches . I’m reaching for more pills everyday . The thoughts are coming back . I see no light at the end anymore . I wish every night not to wake up . I welcome my end . I welcome peace in my mind . I wish I could make you understand what you did . At the worst time of my life , you took it all away . My hope my happiness , my will to survive . You have destroyed me mentally and physically and have shattered me emotionally .I can’t do this much longer . I’m all alone I’m so lonely and no one would care . So why do I keep bothering to wake up in the morning ?</p><p>I welcome the night , I welcome darkness . I welcome my end and I welcome eternal rest I’m so fucking tired of being alive.</p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-85124992003409475532022-09-18T00:06:00.001+12:002023-02-20T14:26:41.989+12:00Miss you so much <p> Last couple of days have been hard . Went out with a friend last night and had to come home early , couldn’t get you out of my mind . Went to bed thinking about you , dreamt all night about you . It’s now eight am and I have been laying in the bed for over an hour just thinking about you .</p><p>I can’t bring myself to get up and face another day without you in my life . I know this will take time . I know one day I’ll move on maybe even forget some . But all I know is that now I feel the pain of losing you twenty fours hours a day . I wish I could close my eyes and another five years have gone by . I don’t know how or when but I wish that day come fast . </p><p>I still love you so much and I can’t forget your face your smile your smell .</p><p>I hope you are doing well and finally found the happiness I apparently couldn’t give you . </p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-69787182388525225472021-10-18T13:48:00.000+12:002021-10-18T13:48:42.165+12:00THE END <p> Every story has a beginning and an end . Tonight was the end of ours . A love story of sorts <span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);">. I remember when people would say , you guys make such a good couple . You guys are perfect for each other . You guys are this you guys are that . I remember it all . I can give you back all your belongings , I can delete all our photos . I can’t however erase the memories in my head . Good and bad but memories non the less . We hugged , I cried and as per usual between the tears I did all the talking . You said sorry more times than I could count . </span></p><p>I asked why ? Why did you wait almost four years to tell me that you don’t see a future together ?</p><p>If I’m to blame for anything at all than blame me for giving you too much . I payed your bills when we met . I payed for your school . I payed for all our trips . I helped you get your shop going . I’m even paying ( still ) for your health benefits .</p><p>All you could say was I’m sorry . How can you be sorry if you don’t even know what you are sorry for ? </p><p>I want to be angry with you , I want to tell you to fuck off and tell you I hate you for what you’ve done . But I can’t ;( that’s just not who I am . I have never lied to you and if I told you now that I hate you that would be the first lie so I won’t .</p><p>I couldn’t even watch you leave my car . My eyes hurt my heart aches my body is sore . I’m tired , I’m tired of this life . I did nothing wrong , you even admitted to that fact . I pray for you , I wish you nothing but the best . I also wish one day that you find what you are looking for . I want you to look back and remember how much this old man loved you . How I would have given my life for you . I hope one day you find someone that will love you unconditionally as I did and still do. </p><p>By far this past week has been the hardest on me . I’m not strong like you . I don’t mean in a physical sense , I mean emotionally I’m weak , very weak . I’ve already taken a sedative to calm me down and I just got home . Haven’t even had dinner yet and it’s closing in on 10pm .</p><p>Every story has and end , I thought ours would be the exception the never ending story . Our story has ended , my hope has faded the light is dimming and my will to go on is slowly dying . </p><p>The end ;(</p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-50538448837665310372021-10-18T08:33:00.002+12:002021-10-18T08:33:52.389+12:00Sunday <p> I’m not having a good day . Last night was very difficult . I had to take a couple extra sleeping pills just to unravel my thoughts . I don’t know what time I fell asleep but I remember my eyes filled with tears . The phone call from him didn’t help . I hadn’t heard from him all week , said he was too busy at the shop all week . I asked if he was working 24/7 because surely you must have had a minute to spare for me ?</p><p>I don’t know what I was expecting , maybe just a glimpse of hope . Just a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel I’m in .</p><p>But nothing , he barely spoke and I was just rambling , saying whatever came to mind just to keep him on the phone . I asked him when exactly did you stop loving me , how , why? He had no answer .</p><p>How much can one man do ? All I ever did was love him and cared for him . I gave him my life !</p><p>I’m sad and angry and confused . I asked him , what else could I have done ? What could I have done different ? Again no answer .</p><p>I know he’s not ready to leave home and I’m aware of his culture . I never asked him to leave his family or come out to them or anyone else for that matter . I just wanted to know when did it all change ? We used to talk about our future . Planning where we would live , even the type of home we would share . It filled my heart with love and hope and happiness . Every time he talked about growing old together it brought me so much joy . I always told him how happy I was that God had brought us together . I used to tell him , before we met my biggest fear was growing old alone and no one to look after me . We used to joke , I’ll take care of you now that you are young and you take care of me when I’m old . I guess I’m just going to have to accept the fact that alone I will be , that is if I live that long . </p><p>From the moment I woke up I was in tears . I’m so depressed I don’t even know what to do anymore .</p><p>As I’m writing this I can hear the train that goes by my house. I’m not going to lie , the thought has crossed my mind .</p><p>I was talking to a counsellor a few weeks back and she asked me , when you have these thoughts what keep you going , what keeps you wanting to live ?</p><p>My parents I said . They are in their 80s and they worry about me daily . My mother specially , we’ve always been so close . She knows and she’s concerned . Honestly ? If my parents were not around I would have joined them in heaven a long time ago if there is such a place . </p><p><br /></p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-90730060408849223052021-10-17T14:54:00.001+12:002021-10-18T07:40:51.957+12:00JUST ONE MORE PILL<p> About a month ago that’s exactly what I said to myself . Depression rearing it’s ugly head again the beast was back . The struggle was just too much to bear . The day , the week , the month had not gone well . It was becoming obvious to me I was about to hit the wall . The pain in my chest was ominous . I knew it , the train was coming but I could not get off the tracks . I just wanted to sleep it off . Or maybe I just didn’t want to wake up again . My usual dose didn’t cut it , my head spinning out of control . One more pill I told myself , just one more and I’ll just sleep it off . I’ve had this feeling before . This time however the thought of not waking up was actually satisfying in some way . One more pill I told myself again and again and again . I honestly lost count and as a drifted into nothingness , I was praying it would be enough to end my suffering . I don’t think I was trying to end my life but at the same time I welcomed the outcome . Needles to say my sorrow continued , as I opened my eyes and realized , although honestly it took a minute . I realized that I was still alive .</p><p>I can’t say that I was happy nor disappointed . But it was then that I realized how alone I was . I mean , I’ve felt lonely plenty of times . But to feel truly alone is a totally different experience . My friends are all gone , my family is distant in many ways . My son , well he’s back in jail again . My partner ? My partner the source of a lot of my pain . He was at home . He claimed he passed out after we had spoken the night before . Even though I had been telling him where my head was at and that I was afraid for what the night might bring . He just went back to bed . That broke my spirit and still haunts me today .</p><p>Alone yes truly alone . I realized if I had passed on , I would have laid there rotting away for who knows how long .</p><p>As terrible as I felt and still feel . The idea of my rotting corpse and no one around and dying alone , one of my biggest fears was an actual possibility . Dying and rotting away all alone . I thanked God for allowing me to live one more day .</p><p>But I fear for what may come . Will I say just one more pill again untill it’s actually enough ?</p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-69588697029251548832021-08-28T14:55:00.005+12:002021-10-15T15:48:36.239+12:00My phones never rings anymore <p> Three and a half years of my life wasted . When we met I had reservations about our age difference . But after you told me you loved my , I was in heaven . I fell for you hard .</p><p>You didn’t have much money and you were young . I took care of you . I payed for all our trips . I helped you in many times of needs . Because , well that what you do when you love someone . Now you are doing well opening your own business your own barbershop . I payed for your school helped you set it up . And now after all this time you have no time for me . I feel like a fool . I cry daily I’m so depressed .</p><p>I don’t even want to live at times . I am a mess and you don’t give a shit . Did you ever love me ? Or did you just like me taking care of you ?</p><p>I am so sad so hurt , I often go to sleep and pray I don’t wake up . A few nights ago I was staring at my meds and was hold a pill bottle in my hands and I was trying to get the courage to end ny suffering . But I could not do it . But it hasn’t left my mind . You hurt me you destroyed my world , my will to go on .</p><p>Remember this my love , God is always watching . I pray you never do this to anyone else . No one deserves this pain that I’m going through .</p><p>Thank you even if wasn’t real , thank you for the memories thank you for the time I got to share with you . But the pain of a thousand knives in my heart will go on for a long time .</p><p>You broke my heart my mind body and my soul .</p><p>The one night I told you I couldn’t live anymore I downed about 20 pills and what did you do ?</p><p>You fell asleep , well unlucky for me I guess it just wasn’t my time . Although I spent the rest of the day in emergency .</p><p>And you didn’t even bother to come to my rescue . </p><p>I am a broken shattered reflection of the man I used to be and I owe that to you Nahil . I cry myself to sleep and pray that god relieves my pain . But he hasn’t been really on my side these last few years .</p><p>I will always love you 😥</p><p><br /></p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-43282992681208756332021-05-31T14:36:00.001+12:002021-05-31T14:36:43.519+12:00My son is being released from prison <p> I’m torn about this dilema . I’m being advised not to let him into my life . He has caused so much pain and heartache . But he is my son nonetheless and I feel this parental </p><p>( responsibility ) to be there for him . I’m in touch with him on a regular basis . But I’m sad every time he calls . This is not my son . The child I cherished and protected when he was little . </p><p>The child I tended to when he was ill . He sounds like a stranger to me now . He speaks different and acts different . But I feel this parental need desire or guilt what ever it is . I feel I need to help him and be there for him . </p><p>Pray for me and pray for him . I don’t know what the future has in stored for him or myself . God I just wish he would wake up and see his ways are no way to live and will only lead him to this awful place again . Honestly I don’t think I can do this again . </p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-17665428464307107112021-03-24T13:53:00.006+12:002021-05-31T14:28:28.784+12:00The wall that ends my pain <p>Sometimes I’m driving and thoughts go through my mind .if I drive right into a wall or guardrail on the highway all my pain will be over . These thoughts are more and more frequent these days . I don’t believe I have the guts or courage to do it but honestly , I wish I did . A split second and it will all be over . But the thought of my elderly parents having to deal with my demise and the heartache they would have to endure stops me from going through with it . My only concern is that for a split second a fraction of a second , I actually plan for it. </p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-40542934994589470782021-03-23T13:36:00.002+12:002021-03-23T13:36:58.215+12:00Clonazepam <p> The little orange wonder and my little blue pill . I lay here every night . When sleep comes hard I reach out for another .my cocktail for the evening . My mind won’t rest my eyes are heavy and my heart is pounding against my chest . And I wait for the sandman that seems to never come . Some nights Im at the point of feeling intoxicated . Severe morning headaches . My nightly routine . I wish I desire , I dream of a night of sleep . </p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-6142126458216721962021-01-02T19:49:00.004+13:002021-03-23T13:38:30.389+12:00Depression <p> My hearth aches my soul is dark my dreams shattered .</p><p>Oh I had known how hard how heart wrenching and complicated it would be with life and loves betrayal and pure anguish .</p><p>I would have crawled back into to comfort of my mothers womb because no one prepared me for this ! </p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-89021767697707177172021-01-02T19:43:00.001+13:002021-03-23T13:19:26.574+12:002021<p> New Year’s Eve came and went , alone again . No friends no family around and my son somewhere on someone’s couch I’m sure . I have tried emailing him and no reply . I do wish the best for humanity but I ask God to take one second out of his very busy schedule just to watch over and make sure he has a warm bed and a full belly . It’s all I think about twenty four hours a day , seven days a week . People still ask and sometimes I even wonder myself . Why ? Why do I worry and lose so much sleep over him . Because I say , because he is my son . All the best to you my son . </p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-20528122775321464342020-12-31T19:27:00.004+13:002021-10-17T17:04:09.132+12:002020 to 2021<p> <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">It’s almost the end of 2020 and you should look forward to changing your life make a better man of yourself but most important</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"> It</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px;"> It’s almost the end of 2020 and you should look forward to changing your life make a better man of yourself but most important a better human being .</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I think about when you were born and I cried as I held you in my arms . Then I thing about 15 years later when you came to live with me and we were supposed to spend our first Christmas together .</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Then I remember how I cried all night again . You left said you would be back soon . You never came back that night . I waited up till about 5 in the morning . I tried calling your friends and drove all over town looking for you . That night I packed up all the presents I have picked out for you and there were many , enough to fell a large black garbage bag . I wanted to just toss them away but I didn’t . I took down the tree the same evening and erased every Christmas memory from night . </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">After that it was a living hell .</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">From the drugs you used to the mental outbursts .</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">To you destroying my house both next houses .</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">The first house there was not one wall I didn’t have to repair , closet doors holes in all the walls in every single room . I remember you sneaking people in my house when I slept . You having parties while I was work to pay for your food and shelter . I remember the mental anguish the sleepless nights . You spitting on my face wishing so many times that I would die . You wish death on me so many times I’m surprised I’m still alive .</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">When we lived at your grandparents you treated them like shit , you even threatened your grandfather . You made my time there and there time unbearable . Then you got yourself arrested . I had to spend 15 grand to get you out . And still you went on to do the same at Sutter .</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I have a hard drive with hundreds of pictures of all the damage . You abused me you called me every name on the book . You insulted me stole from me and mentally and physically abused me .</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">You shot me with a pellet gun ( you were on probation ) I should have had you arrested . But I didn’t and that was a mistake maybe you might have learned from that .</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I took you to see doctors counsellor , all you si was make a joke out if it . You destroyed my house from top to bottom , furniture walls doors and more . You brought people to party while I was asleep . You stored and sold drugs out of my house . You brought criminals into my house . You once chased me down the street with one of my wrenches and threw it at my head , I put my arm up to block it and ended up with a bruise on my arm . You threatened my life so many times I lost count . Then at the condo the night mare started again when your mother kicked you out and I took you in because you made so many primes you never kept one not even one . </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">You had hooked and drug dealers coming to my home . You lived like an animal and obeyed not one rule . You pulled a knife on me threatened to kill me in my sleep . I remember it all . All the drugs pills and other shit in your room amd you always denied being a drug dealer .</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">You spat on my face you wanted to kill me .</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I will never forget all these things my only son did to me .</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I only pray you get the help you so desperately need . You need severe mental help . Meds counselling and more . But until the day you admit and reach out for help nothing will change unless you ask for help and admit how badly you need it .</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I pray for you always . I pray for god to protect you and guide you on the right path .</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I pray that the new year brings you joy and happiness and I pray the new year you get a job and start making mends with your soul . Because you must have some little amount of regret and some small amount of guilt for what you made me live through . I’m on medication because of you .</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I don’t sleep nights and my anxiety level is so fight I often feel like I’m about to have a heart attack .</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Anyway MICHAEL I wish you good fortune stay safe and healthy but grow up man up make the right choice to make a better life for yourself . Do it now while you can . Life is short I’m almost 56 I’ll be lucky if I see 60 with the stress I’m under and the pain I have endured this long my heart at some point I’m sure will give up .</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I wish you a happy new year and all the best for 2021 .</span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px;">Dad .</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">’s almost the end of 2020 and you should look forward to changing your life make a better man of yourself but most important a better human being .</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"> </span></p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I think about when you were born and I cried as I held you in my arms . Then I thing about 15 years later when you can to live with me and we were supposed to spend our first Christmas together .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Then I remember how I cried all night again . You left said you would be back soon . You never came back that night . I waited up till about 5 in the morning . I tried calling your friends and drove all over town looking for you . That night I packed up all the presents I have picked out for you and there were many , enough to fell a large black garbage bag . I wanted to just toss them away but I didn’t . I took down the tree the same evening and erased every Christmas memory from night . </span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">After that it was a living hell .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">From the drugs you used to the mental outbursts .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">To you destroying my house both next houses .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">The first house there was not one wall I didn’t have to repair , closet doors holes in all the walls in every single room . I remember you sneaking people in my house when I slept . You having parties while I was work to pay for your food and shelter . I remember the mental anguish the sleepless nights . You spitting on my face wishing so many times that I would die . You wish death on me so many times I’m surprised I’m still alive .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"></span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">When we lived at your grandparents you treated them like shit , you even threatened your grandfather . You made my time there and there time unbearable . Then you got yourself arrested . I had to spend 15 grand to get you out . And still you went on to do the same at Sutter .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I have a hard drive with hundreds of pictures of all the damage . You abused me you called me every name on the book . You insulted me stole from me and mentally and physically abused me .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">You shot me with a pellet gun ( you were on probation ) I should have had you arrested . But I didn’t and that was a mistake maybe you might have learned from that .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I took you to see doctors counsellor , all you si was make a joke out if it . You destroyed my house from top to bottom , furniture walls doors and more . You brought people to party while I was asleep . You stored and sold drugs out of my house . You brought criminals into my house . You once chased me down the street with one of my wrenches and threw it at my head , I put my arm up to block it and ended up with a bruise on my arm . You threatened my life so many times I lost count . Then at the condo the night mare started again when your mother kicked you out and I took you in because you made so many primes you never kept one not even one . </span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">You had hooked and drug dealers coming to my home . You lived like an animal and obeyed not one rule . You pulled a knife on me threatened to kill me in my sleep . I remember it all . All the drugs pills and other shit in your room amd you always denied being a drug dealer .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">You spat on my face you wanted to kill me .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I will never forget all these things my only son did to me .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I only pray you get the help you so desperately need . You need severe mental help . Meds counselling and more . But until the day you admit and reach out for help nothing will change unless you ask for help and admit how badly you need it .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I pray for you always . I pray for god to protect you and guide you on the right path .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I pray that the new year brings you joy and happiness and I pray the new year you get a job and start making mends with your soul . Because you must have some little amount of regret and some small amount of guilt for what you made me live through . I’m on medication because of you .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I don’t sleep nights and my anxiety level is so fight I often feel like I’m about to have a heart attack .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Anyway MICHAEL I wish you good fortune stay safe and healthy but grow up man up make the right</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"><br /></span><br /><span face="Roboto, sans-serif" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(117, 117, 117); color: #757575; font-size: 15px;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"> to make a better life for yourself . Do it now while you can . Life is short I’m almost 56 I’ll be lucky if I see 60 with the stress I’m under and the pain I have endured this long my heart at some point I’m sure will give up .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I wish you a happy new year and all the best for 2021 .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Dad .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"></span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Sent from my iPhone</span> a better human being .</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"> </span></p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I think about when you were born and I cried as I held you in my arms . Then I thing about 15 years later when you can to live with me and we were supposed to spend our first Christmas together .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Then I remember how I cried all night again . You left said you would be back soon . You never came back that night . I waited up till about 5 in the morning . I tried calling your friends and drove all over town looking for you . That night I packed up all the presents I have picked out for you and there were many , enough to fell a large black garbage bag . I wanted to just toss them away but I didn’t . I took down the tree the same evening and erased every Christmas memory from night . </span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">After that it was a living hell .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">From the drugs you used to the mental outbursts .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">To you destroying my house both next houses .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">The first house there was not one wall I didn’t have to repair , closet doors holes in all the walls in every single room . I remember you sneaking people in my house when I slept . You having parties while I was work to pay for your food and shelter . I remember the mental anguish the sleepless nights . You spitting on my face wishing so many times that I would die . You wish death on me so many times I’m surprised I’m still alive .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"></span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">When we lived at your grandparents you treated them like shit , you even threatened your grandfather . You made my time there and there time unbearable . Then you got yourself arrested . I had to spend 15 grand to get you out . And still you went on to do the same at Sutter .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I have a hard drive with hundreds of pictures of all the damage . You abused me you called me every name on the book . You insulted me stole from me and mentally and physically abused me .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">You shot me with a pellet gun ( you were on probation ) I should have had you arrested . But I didn’t and that was a mistake maybe you might have learned from that .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I took you to see doctors counsellor , all you si was make a joke out if it . You destroyed my house from top to bottom , furniture walls doors and more . You brought people to party while I was asleep . You stored and sold drugs out of my house . You brought criminals into my house . You once chased me down the street with one of my wrenches and threw it at my head , I put my arm up to block it and ended up with a bruise on my arm . You threatened my life so many times I lost count . Then at the condo the night mare started again when your mother kicked you out and I took you in because you made so many primes you never kept one not even one . </span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">You had hooked and drug dealers coming to my home . You lived like an animal and obeyed not one rule . You pulled a knife on me threatened to kill me in my sleep . I remember it all . All the drugs pills and other shit in your room amd you always denied being a drug dealer .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">You spat on my face you wanted to kill me .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I will never forget all these things my only son did to me .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I only pray you get the help you so desperately need . You need severe mental help . Meds counselling and more . But until the day you admit and reach out for help nothing will change unless you ask for help and admit how badly you need it .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I pray for you always . I pray for god to protect you and guide you on the right path .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I pray that the new year brings you joy and happiness and I pray the new year you get a job and start making mends with your soul . Because you must have some little amount of regret and some small amount of guilt for what you m</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"> It’s almost the end of 2020 and you should look forward to changing your life make a better man of yourself but most important a better human being . </span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I think about when you were born and I cried as I held you in my arms . Then I thing about 15 years later when you can to live with me and we were supposed to spend our first Christmas together .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Then I remember how I cried all night again . You left said you would be back soon . You never came back that night . I waited up till about 5 in the morning . I tried calling your friends and drove all over town looking for you . That night I packed up all the presents I have picked out for you and there were many , enough to fell a large black garbage bag . I wanted to just toss them away but I didn’t . I took down the tree the same evening and erased every Christmas memory from night . </span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">After that it was a living hell .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">From the drugs you used to the mental outbursts .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">To you destroying my house both next houses .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">The first house there was not one wall I didn’t have to repair , closet doors holes in all the walls in every single room . I remember you sneaking people in my house when I slept . You having parties while I was work to pay for your food and shelter . I remember the mental anguish the sleepless nights . You spitting on my face wishing so many times that I would die . You wish death on me so many times I’m surprised I’m still alive .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"></span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">When we lived at your grandparents you treated them like shit , you even threatened your grandfather . You made my time there and there time unbearable . Then you got yourself arrested . I had to spend 15 grand to get you out . And still you went on to do the same at Sutter .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I have a hard drive with hundreds of pictures of all the damage . You abused me you called me every name on the book . You insulted me stole from me and mentally and physically abused me .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">You shot me with a pellet gun ( you were on probation ) I should have had you arrested . But I didn’t and that was a mistake maybe you might have learned from that .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I took you to see doctors counsellor , all you si was make a joke out if it . You destroyed my house from top to bottom , furniture walls doors and more . You brought people to party while I was asleep . You stored and sold drugs out of my house . You brought criminals into my house . You once chased me down the street with one of my wrenches and threw it at my head , I put my arm up to block it and ended up with a bruise on my arm . You threatened my life so many times I lost count . Then at the condo the night mare started again when your mother kicked you out and I took you in because you made so many primes you never kept one not even one . </span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">You had hooked and drug dealers coming to my home . You lived like an animal and obeyed not one rule . You pulled a knife on me threatened to kill me in my sleep . I remember it all . All the drugs pills and other shit in your room amd you always denied being a drug dealer .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">You spat on my face you wanted to kill me .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I will never forget all these things my only son did to me .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I only pray you get the help you so desperately need . You need severe mental help . Meds counselling and more . But until the day you admit and reach out for help nothing will change unless you ask for help and admit how badly you need it .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I pray for you always . I pray for god to protect you and guide you on the right path .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I pray that the new year brings you joy and happiness and I pray the new year you get a job and start making mends with your soul . Because you must have some little amount of regret and some small amount of guilt for what you made me live through . I’m on medication because of you .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I don’t sleep nights and my anxiety level is so fight I often feel like I’m about to have a heart attack .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Anyway MICHAEL I wish you good fortune stay safe and healthy but grow up man up make the right choice to make a better life for yourself . Do it now while you can . Life is short I’m almost 56 I’ll be lucky if I see 60 with the stress I’m under and the pain I have endured this long my heart at some point I’m sure will give up .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I wish you a happy new year and all the best for 2021 .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Dad .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"></span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Sent from my iPhone </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">ade me live through . I’m on medication because of you .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I don’t sleep nights and my anxiety level is so fight I often feel like I’m about to have a heart attack .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Anyway MICHAEL I wish you good fortune stay safe and healthy but grow up man up make the right choice to make a better life for yourself . Do it now while you can . Life is short I’m almost 56 I’ll be lucky if I see 60 with the stress I’m under and the pain I have endured this long my heart at some point I’m sure will give up .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I wish you a happy new year and all the best for 2021 .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Dad .</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"></span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Sent from my iPhone</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-84479091879418885272020-12-25T19:18:00.002+13:002020-12-26T18:11:20.595+13:00<h3 style="text-align: left;"><u> <span style="color: #444444;">CHRISTMASS 2020</span></u></h3><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Almost 22 years ago I held him in my arms and cried , I cried and cried .</span> I was <span style="font-weight: normal;">overwhelmed with joy. Tonight it's </span><span style="font-weight: 400;">Christmas</span><span style="font-weight: normal;"> eve and now I cry again. I wish I could put into words the pain I feel .</span></div><div style="text-align: left;">The heartache the sorrow. I wish I knew where my son was and that he is safe and in a warm bed and a full belly. I wish also he would get help for the substance abuse , for his anger for his violent outbursts . I Wish I could forget the damaged walls and destruction . I wish I could forget the mental anguish the hateful words , the bruises on my body. All that and more , too much pain to forget. But I wish I could for one moment forget all that . To hold him in my arms to tell him I love him to tell him , to tell him that I will always love him. But it's Christmas eve in the middle of this pandemic and I have no idea where he is. It's Christmas eve and no presents under my tree ! <span><a name='more'></a></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span><!--more--></span></span></div><div><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-46625734650095389162020-12-25T18:46:00.004+13:002021-03-23T13:14:36.446+12:00My pandemic <p> My pandemic </p><p>My sons mental health my sons numerous encounters with police . My sons physical and mental abuse towards me . My son living on the streets . This has been my pandemic for the last ten year of my life . </p><p>Edit: Just recently found out he’s been arrested facing up to a year in jail . My heart is broken in a million pieces .</p><p>This is my pandemic . Covid is a fraction of my suffering .</p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-59359303085265982462019-11-10T18:38:00.004+13:002020-12-28T18:58:45.161+13:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I forgive you because I love you , I forgive you because you are my blood . That I can do but I can not forget the anguish , the sleepless nights , the hate you inflicted upon me .</div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">I did what I could as a single dad for all these years and still was never enough . My biggest fear and I live with this 24/7 is the next time I get a nock on the door and there have been many . But I live with the fear that it will be the last !</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-25476246330932460242019-05-15T12:06:00.001+12:002021-03-23T13:17:35.289+12:00MY HEART ACHES<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
MY HEART ACHES<br />
<br />
My heart aches my body is weak and my spirit broken.<br />
So many lies , so many dreams vanished . You say you love me , can’t live without me .<br />
Where was that love when I needed it the most ?<br />
I gave you my life and you threw it away like yesterday’s trash . </div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-79262527810582670822018-04-08T16:41:00.000+12:002020-12-26T18:11:21.235+13:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIDisplay'; font-size: 23pt;">What is love ? </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIDisplay'; font-size: 23pt;">Love is when you miss someone even though you just saw them . Love is when when you can't get the smile on their face out of your mind . Love is when you are down and that person brings you up . Love is when you think about that person when you fall asleep and when you wake. Love is when you are having the worst day and that person says I love you and all your problems go away . Love is when when you touch that person and you feel it in every bone in your body. Love is when you kiss that person and you wish that kiss would never end . Love is when your heart races at just the idea of looking into each others eyes .</span></div>
<br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIDisplay'; font-size: 23pt;">Love is when you are running late and that person patiently waits . Love is when someone asks why do you love me and you don't even have to think about an answer . These are just some of the reasons as to what I think love is . And there are so many more ...</span></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-24958815432486279302018-04-07T15:37:00.001+12:002020-12-26T18:11:21.347+13:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">Depression .</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">How do I describe it ? Well I'll tell you what it means to me .</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">When I think about it I guess I've been dealing with it probably since I was about ten or so . Maybe even earlier than that . Starting from when I was sexually abused by a family friend , that's probably my first recollection of the start of it . It was only once but it certainly left a scar . I'm not even sure how old I was maybe seven or eight? I can't really recall . I do remember however the feeling of guilt and shame . The next time I can recall feeling depressed , was when my family moved to Canada from South America . I can recall the deep sadness in my uncles eyes my mothers brother whom I loved so dearly and always looked up to . He was crying and hugging me saying goodbye , I was just ten but I can remember the overwhelming feeling of sorrow . Confused and afraid because I didn't fully grasp that I may never see this man ever again . Then after what seemed an eternal flight we landed . February 29 , 1976 . A new world ! A life filled with hope and much dispar . Not speaking one single word of this strange language I felt lost isolated and again so afraid . The cold was unbearable . We all cramped together on cots provided by another uncle that was already living here and by his dreadful alcoholic wife . She made our very short time living with them an utter nightmare . I recall my mom sobbing wishing we'd never come here . Luckily I had the comfort of my older sister.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">Only one year older than I but to me she was always my big sister . I remember one cold day mom dad big sister and I left the house and just walked . I could hear the desperation in my mothers voice . Dad was a big strong man but even he couldn't hold back his sadness as the tears filled his eyes . I took it all in and didn't let on how unhappy I was . I didn't want to ad to they feeling of letting us down . After all they also left family and friends behind having to say goodbye to many for ever . The language was a struggle so schooling suffered . Both my sister and I did not graduate . We never really fit in . Years past and as we made this new land our home , we tried our best to fit in . Mom and dad worked day and night . Sister and I hardly saw them through our teenage years . Then mom got pregnant unexpectedly they told us . Nine months later the twins were born . I adored my brothers ! My sister although loved them to death was feeling somewhat neglected . She left school at an early age to stay home and help take care of the twins . I have always felt bad for her . She gave up so much of her youth to help raise the new addition to our family . In turn she herself ended up having children at a very young age and moving out of the family home . I was angry with her and her now husband . I wouldn't speak to him for a long time . He took my big sister away from me . Myself I didn't have many friends till my early twenties . Well I use the word friends very loosely of course . What they really were was an excuse to drink and party !</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">Seemed like every weekend of my early to later twenties were spend drinking at one club or another . Everyone saw me as this wild and crazy party guy that could dance and attract lots of girls . What they didn't see was the nights I would go home and cry . So many people around all of a sudden and yet felt so alone . The alcohol was a temporary bandaid to my deep depression . Sadness was all around me . </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">Then in my late twenties I met the mother of my son . It was a chance meeting . It wasn't meant to be I don't think !</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">My buddy and I were coming home from midweek clubbing bored and tired I begged to go home . He being the alcohol fuelled person that he was , insisted we stop at yet another bar before he dropped me off .</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">It was there that I met her . The anchor of my torment . Eight years of misery and unhappiness , mental and physical abuse . Five years into this tumultuous relationship our son was born . It wasn't an easy time to say the least . We struggled to get pregnant . After many treatments and a surgical we were finally able to conceive . I recall not wanting to have children , hell I recall not even wanting to get married but yet somehow her will always prevailed . I guess I'm just not as strong as she ever was or is till this very day .</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">Eight years into this sham of a marriage I discovered her infidelity . I later found out it had been going on for about two years . It was around that time that I finally had a breakdown . I ended up in the physic ward in two espérate occasions . One true moment stands out in my mind . Crying uncontrollably and deep into the demon I remember a nurse talking to another saying , oh my god he's so sad !</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">I will never forget that because it was at that moment that I realized how depressed I was .</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">You see most people are able to hide it , put in a mask if you will . It's not something people can see it's not something you can touch . The worst of all for me was when people would say snap out of it , get over it my ex used to say , be a man !</span></div>
<br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">That's what truly hurts for me the most . Now years later after many years of living with this on and off I can actually see when the beast is coming . I can feel it's desire I'm the feed to his hunger . I will not sit here and lie and tell you that I'm cured because I'm not . I don't think I ever will be . But I can now recognize it when it's trying to grasp me with its evil hands . I still have moments now that I am 53 when I feel sadness and disparity but at least I can now recognize the monster and at least try to deal with it before it sinks its teeth into me . </span></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-25389713934318234142018-04-04T10:24:00.000+12:002020-12-26T18:11:21.835+13:00Life hurts sometimes<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">It's been a long time since I last wrote . I have sat in front of the computer countless times and either didn't have the courage or could not find the right words . Not that I didn't have anything to say , on the contrary there is so much that has happened in the past few years . So much that it's a bit overwhelming . I'm perplexed with thoughts and emotions . I've had a troubled and turbulent life , but I have to be honest and tell you that the last few years have been the most stressful and the most painful of all. Let me take you back . To a time perhaps of weakness or maybe vulnerability , I found myself l with the mother of my son . The woman that caused me so much pain was now the person I embraced. After a rekindled romance I once again fell victim to my fantasy. My illusion of what I thought happiness meant. To be with and part of a family once again. It all started as most relationships do , however it was all short lived . As the saying goes , the honeymoon was over , and it was over fairly quick! Once again I became a full time father a full time spouse and a full time caretaker . I am not going to sit here and whine and complain about how I felt used and neglected , nor will I get into the physical abuse I suffered once again . I put myself back into that sittuation . I was blinded by my desires to feel wanted to feel normal to feel like I belonged.It lasted about a year or so . At first evrything seemed fine but just like a leopard never changes his spots neither had she. She was still after alll these years , manipulative selfish and heartless. I finally left the torment of my desires .</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">Since then I've gone from a single part time dad to a full time father to what turned out to be the incarnation of his evil mother . All the years I suffered because of this persons lust for vengeance . Now I've suffered once more by the product of her rendering . My son the child I shed tears for when he was born ! I won't get into all that he has put me through because it's just too much pain to bare .</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">I have given my life dedicated my very existence for this person and now he treats me as I am the worst man to walk this earth . But those close to me know the truth !</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">I will go to my grave knowing that I have done all and more that is required to call myself ,</span></div>
<br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 23pt;">a father !!! </span></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0Brampton, ON, Canada43.7315479 -79.76241770000001543.364348400000004 -80.407864700000019 44.0987474 -79.11697070000001tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-66320096615300515682018-04-02T14:20:00.001+12:002020-12-26T18:11:21.948+13:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
A perfect world ...<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIDisplay'; font-size: 23pt;">People look and people judge .</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIDisplay'; font-size: 23pt;">It's human nature to be curios .</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIDisplay'; font-size: 23pt;">But people judge simply because they don't understand . Who are they to question one persons love for another ? It's easy to be cruel it's much harder to be kind .</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIDisplay'; font-size: 23pt;">If people would just look at their own lives first and try to fix what's broken there . Maybe then they wouldn't be so focussed on the happiness of others . They judge because they don't understand . They wonder why , how ?</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIDisplay'; font-size: 23pt;">How can one man love another ? I guess at one time I also questioned it . But always kept an open mind . Now I know ! </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIDisplay'; font-size: 23pt;">Love really has no boundaries .</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIDisplay'; font-size: 23pt;">Love is love and the heart wants what the heart wants !</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIDisplay'; font-size: 23pt;">I wish I could make people understand , family friends .</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIDisplay'; font-size: 23pt;">But why , why should I care ?</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIDisplay'; font-size: 23pt;">Some days I do other days I don't . But I do wish for a world where everyone is accepted equally regardless of race gender or sexual orientation .</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIDisplay'; font-size: 23pt;">But a world such as this is not likely in my lifetime . So for now I'll just dream . I'll imagine , holding your hand and walking proudly down the street . I'm not ashamed nor am I afraid .</span></div>
<br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Display'; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIDisplay'; font-size: 23pt;">But I suppose to avoid conflict with those that are too ignorant to see past their eyes . I'll just dream !</span></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-24004670279110823612012-10-24T22:56:00.001+13:002020-12-26T18:11:22.061+13:00Lonely days sleepless nights. Thoughts running through my mind. How I missed you , how I longed for you. Many tears , would fill an ocean . Eyes red and face tired . God how I loved you! I know those days are gone and still I cry , I cry in silence . Desperate pleas . I pray and I beg our dear Lord . I ask time and time again ,why can't she love me ? Why ,won't she love ? No longer needed I feel . Time did not stand still for you . you lived life and you loved another .But my love did not waiver . My heart still in pain . I have reached out , I have said and done all I can . Still you don't love me . Time you say , time is all you need , you say it's too soon .
Years and years have gone , I am feeling old and not looking younger . So many years wasted. I would give twenty years to get the last ten back if I could only share them with you .
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-50160406647493909652012-10-20T22:25:00.001+12:002020-12-26T18:11:22.172+13:00My nightsNight time I loathe and despise thee. Why do you torment me so ? You tease me with heavy eyes and tired bones . I lay my head and you won't let me rest . What have I done ? what have I done ,for you to torment me this way ? My little blue pill does nothing more
than taunt me . My dreams haunt me . I feel disparity , I feel abstracted from reality .
The feeling of desperation and the desire to live, both are in a bitter struggle .
I recall the nights I wished for the man in the dark robe to just take me , take me so I can finally rest . Please Lord I beg you , please help me. I wish so much for life . I wish so much for just one night of rest . I pray to be forgiven , I have been forsaken. If I have committed such a crime , to warrant this punishment that you deem just . Please I beg , absolve me . Release me !
I beg for reprieve , exonerate this sentence for I rather face my executioner than another night of unrest !<div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-908521528657983622012-10-04T11:16:00.002+12:002020-12-26T18:11:22.286+13:00MY BROKEN HEARTAre you able to look back at your life , ever think back to a time when your heart was broken?
I can. I can think of a time a place a day and a moment frozen in time. it felt as thought someone reached into my chest cavity ,with bare hands it was torn open .
My heart was taken and ripped to shreds. I can still feel the pain . God how it hurts.
They say time heals all wounds , I say not true!
Some wounds can never heal. My pain will not heal not until my heart stops beating and even then I question it. I sometimes believe that I am doomed damned if you will. A life sentence for the crimes I have committed. What crimes you ask?
I wish I could tell you . I figure I must have done something wrong to upset the higher powers . I must have been a terrible person in a past life . I have been afflicted by pain and sorrow most of my adult life. I haven't slept a full night in years. I recently visited my Doctor and renewed my prescription. I haven't taken and sleep aids for many years , however my body is giving out. I am tired and I feel sick.
I haven't taken one yet . I am not sure why . maybe I am afraid, afraid because I remember what it was like. I could not leave the house without them. I feared running low , I feared the night without my friend. The little blue pill that brought me so much comfort and solace. God I just want to sleep!!!!!!!
My head races my heart beats without rhythm. many nights I simply cried myself to sleep. I sometimes think , if only i could let go , let go and live . Alas I can't . The love that I felt and feel till this day for this woman,is simply immeasurable.
I now know she no longer loves me and I question if she even cares in the least.
She told me last night , I do not love you , I don't feel what you feel, I don't even think about you at all.
God the pain , oh the pain my broken heart has suffered so much and yet it is still able to suffer even more. God I do not want to die , but I do not want to live this life.My eyes hurt the tears they burn.My body is tired Lord.Many nights I wished you would come for me. But I know I can't let go , I can't for my son. I wish nit the same pain for him. For I know this is the pain he would have to fear if I were to stop bleeding. So for that reason my Lord I beg you , let me continue the suffering if it means my son's happiness.
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-88749494622330290602012-09-23T04:04:00.004+12:002020-12-26T18:11:22.399+13:00WHY ?<h3 style="text-align: left;">
What did you want me to do ?
Should I have given you my blessings ?
Should I have been happy ?
Happy for what ? Because you no longer cared ? Because you no longer loved me ?
Yet you ask why ? Why did I do what I did , why was I so cruel ? Why why why ?
I hated you for what you did to me !
I hated you for not loving me .
But it's all a distant memory to me now . And yet you still ask why.
How many times I wished for the courage to put a bullet in my brain . How many times I wanted no more . How many nights I pray the lord my soul to take .
Yet you still ask why . Why ? I don't know why . I hated you and the world . I hated my self because I still loved you as well .
It's all in the past I have told myself . Now I live my life for today and try not to cry for yesterday .
The tears still come and at times I don't know why .
Why do I love you so ? Why did my heart not let go ?
Six feet underground I still won't know . Why why why !</h3><div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2844825811813452202.post-69423892896920761462012-09-19T22:58:00.001+12:002020-12-26T18:11:22.511+13:00My drug<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
Your love is a drug , I need it I desire it I devour it.<br />
<br />
My body aches for your touch , my heart deep with emotion, I give you all my devotion.<br />
<br />
The blood boils in my veins , I can't stand the pain for your love holds the reins.<br />
<br />
Your love is my high , it's my drug of choice. My mind it won't rest, longs the sound of your voice.<br />
<br />
My heart is a prisoner of this love that I seek, I stand tall I am strong . Why do I feel so weak?<br />
<br />
This drug is my blight, this drug feels so right , this drug brings me comfort ,brings me joy, in the solace of night.<br />
<br />
Your body I desire your love I require , I long for the taste when we love not in haste.<br />
<br />
Intertwined with emotion with our body's in motion. This drug that I take is the love that we make.<br />
<br />
This drug is so strong , this drug can't be wrong. It's the drug that I long and my love now you own !</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Hope.</div>Living one day at a timehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06892651274494466220noreply@blogger.com0