MY LIFE IN MY OWN WORDS

Ever have a life altering experience? A moment when time stands still and you think about your life and your existence. A wake up call if you will, or a slap in the face not sure which yet. I had one of those moments tonight. Man what the hell am I doing? I ask myself over and over . Our actions not only affect us , but greatly also those around us .Those that care and love us ,although these days they are few, nonetheless still important.Time for a change I tell myself . I stop for a moment " Déjà vu " Fuck didn't I say these very words to myself not too long ago? Then why the hell am I still on this fucked up ride? The nearest exit I am off!

My friends, or so called friends, where were you when I needed you? haven't I always been there for you ? Someone once told me my biggest downfall is I do too much for others. I never thought I would ever agree with that statement , unfortunately I am starting to believe that person might have been right. I recently found myself in great need of help. Tremendously overworked and overwhelmed with my current situation and yet not a one came to my aid.I even confronted two of them , two people that I have helped and done so much for through the years. Their response was to attack me and blame me for not asking for help. I guess I thought that the fact that they knew I was doing all of this on my own and the fact that I have given so much of myself to them and to their families , I thought that would have been enough to inspire them to acknowledge our friendships. I guess I was wrong.My friends what would I do with out you? Probably, I would do much better! Thank you.

I woke up in a cold sweat. My god it was just a dream , my heart races my head spins my vision not clear . For a moment she was mine. In my arms once again like she used to be.A deep desire for the unattainable. The mother of my son, how can a woman so beautiful be so cruel? I ask my self why after all this time after all the pain she has caused , why I can still dream of her this way? I know ,I no longer love her but I guess there is still a part of me that still longs for days gone by. So many years past so many lives altered. My heart still aches , not for her, but rather for love. For the warmth and desire , for the touch and for the smile that greets you at the door. A smile can warm the heart on the coldest ,most brutal winter's day.Anger sets in , sorrow to follow. This too will pass , this is not the first time I have felt like this . I believe I know what destiny has in store for me . Many sleepless nights in my past, surely this one won't be the last. Well I keep tell