MY LIFE IN MY OWN WORDS

 Every story has a beginning and an end . Tonight was the end of ours . A love story of sorts . I remember when people would say , you guys make such a good couple . You guys are perfect for each other . You guys are this you guys are that . I remember it all . I can give you back all your belongings , I can delete all our photos . I can’t however erase the memories in my head . Good and bad but memories non the less . We hugged , I cried and as per usual between the tears I did all the talking . You said sorry more times than I could count .  I asked why ? Why did you wait almost four years to tell me that you don’t see a future together ? If I’m to blame for anything at all than blame me for giving you too much . I payed your bills when we met . I payed for your school . I payed for all our trips . I helped you get your shop going . I’m even paying ( still ) for your health benefits . All you could say was I’m sorry . How can you be sorry if you don’t even know what you are sorry for

 I’m not having a good day . Last night was very difficult . I had to take a couple extra sleeping pills just to unravel my thoughts . I don’t know what time I fell asleep but I remember my eyes filled with tears . The phone call from him didn’t help . I hadn’t heard from him all week , said he was too busy at the shop all week . I asked if he was working 24/7 because surely you must have had a minute to spare for me ? I don’t know what I was expecting , maybe just a glimpse of hope . Just a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel I’m in . But nothing , he barely spoke and I was just rambling , saying whatever came to mind just to keep him on the phone . I asked him when exactly did you stop loving me , how , why? He had no answer . How much can one man do ? All I ever did was love him and cared for him . I gave him my life ! I’m sad and angry and confused . I asked him , what else could I have done ? What could I have done different ? Again no answer . I know he’s not ready to leav

 About a month ago that’s exactly what I said to myself . Depression rearing it’s ugly head again the beast was back . The struggle was just too much to bear . The day , the week , the month had not gone well . It was becoming obvious to me I was about to hit the wall . The pain in my chest was ominous . I knew it , the train was coming but I could not get off the tracks . I just wanted to sleep it off . Or maybe I just didn’t want to wake up  again . My usual dose didn’t cut it , my head spinning out of control . One more pill I told myself , just one more and I’ll just sleep it off . I’ve had this feeling before . This time however the thought of not waking up was actually satisfying in some way . One more pill I told myself again and again and again . I honestly lost count and as a drifted into nothingness , I was praying it would be enough to end my suffering . I don’t think I was trying to end my life but at the same time I welcomed the outcome . Needles to say my sorrow continued