JUST ONE MORE PILL

 About a month ago that’s exactly what I said to myself . Depression rearing it’s ugly head again the beast was back . The struggle was just too much to bear . The day , the week , the month had not gone well . It was becoming obvious to me I was about to hit the wall . The pain in my chest was ominous . I knew it , the train was coming but I could not get off the tracks . I just wanted to sleep it off . Or maybe I just didn’t want to wake up  again . My usual dose didn’t cut it , my head spinning out of control . One more pill I told myself , just one more and I’ll just sleep it off . I’ve had this feeling before . This time however the thought of not waking up was actually satisfying in some way . One more pill I told myself again and again and again . I honestly lost count and as a drifted into nothingness , I was praying it would be enough to end my suffering . I don’t think I was trying to end my life but at the same time I welcomed the outcome . Needles to say my sorrow continued , as I opened my eyes and realized , although honestly it took a minute . I realized that I was still alive .

I can’t say that I was  happy nor disappointed . But it was then that I realized how alone I was . I mean , I’ve felt lonely plenty of times . But to feel truly alone is a totally different experience . My friends are all gone , my family is distant in many ways . My son , well he’s back in jail again . My partner ? My partner the source of a lot of my pain . He was at home . He claimed he passed out after we had spoken the night before  . Even though I had been telling him where my head was at and that I was afraid for what the night might bring . He just went back to bed . That broke my spirit and still haunts me today .

Alone yes truly alone . I realized if I had passed on , I would have laid  there rotting away for who knows how long .

As terrible as I felt and still feel . The idea of my rotting corpse and no one around and dying alone , one of my biggest fears was an actual possibility . Dying and rotting away all alone . I thanked God for allowing me to live one more day .

But I fear for what may come . Will I say just one more pill again untill it’s actually enough ?

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