MY LIFE IN MY OWN WORDS

 Every story has a beginning and an end . Tonight was the end of ours . A love story of sorts . I remember when people would say , you guys make such a good couple . You guys are perfect for each other . You guys are this you guys are that . I remember it all . I can give you back all your belongings , I can delete all our photos . I can’t however erase the memories in my head . Good and bad but memories non the less . We hugged , I cried and as per usual between the tears I did all the talking . You said sorry more times than I could count .  I asked why ? Why did you wait almost four years to tell me that you don’t see a future together ? If I’m to blame for anything at all than blame me for giving you too much . I payed your bills when we met . I payed for your school . I payed for all our trips . I helped you get your shop going . I’m even paying ( still ) for your health benefits . All you could say was I’m sorry . How can you be sorry if you don’t even know what you are sorry for

 I’m not having a good day . Last night was very difficult . I had to take a couple extra sleeping pills just to unravel my thoughts . I don’t know what time I fell asleep but I remember my eyes filled with tears . The phone call from him didn’t help . I hadn’t heard from him all week , said he was too busy at the shop all week . I asked if he was working 24/7 because surely you must have had a minute to spare for me ? I don’t know what I was expecting , maybe just a glimpse of hope . Just a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel I’m in . But nothing , he barely spoke and I was just rambling , saying whatever came to mind just to keep him on the phone . I asked him when exactly did you stop loving me , how , why? He had no answer . How much can one man do ? All I ever did was love him and cared for him . I gave him my life ! I’m sad and angry and confused . I asked him , what else could I have done ? What could I have done different ? Again no answer . I know he’s not ready to leav

 About a month ago that’s exactly what I said to myself . Depression rearing it’s ugly head again the beast was back . The struggle was just too much to bear . The day , the week , the month had not gone well . It was becoming obvious to me I was about to hit the wall . The pain in my chest was ominous . I knew it , the train was coming but I could not get off the tracks . I just wanted to sleep it off . Or maybe I just didn’t want to wake up  again . My usual dose didn’t cut it , my head spinning out of control . One more pill I told myself , just one more and I’ll just sleep it off . I’ve had this feeling before . This time however the thought of not waking up was actually satisfying in some way . One more pill I told myself again and again and again . I honestly lost count and as a drifted into nothingness , I was praying it would be enough to end my suffering . I don’t think I was trying to end my life but at the same time I welcomed the outcome . Needles to say my sorrow continued

 Three and a half years of my life wasted . When we met I had reservations about our age difference . But after you told me you loved my , I was in heaven . I fell for you hard . You didn’t have much money and you were young . I took care of you . I payed for all our trips . I helped you in many times of needs . Because , well that what you do when you love someone . Now you are doing well opening your own business your own barbershop . I payed for your school helped you set it up . And now after all this time you have no time for me . I feel like a fool . I cry daily I’m so depressed . I don’t even want to live at times . I am a mess and you don’t give a shit . Did you ever love me ?  Or did you just like me taking care of you ? I am so sad so hurt , I often go to sleep and pray I don’t wake up . A few nights ago I was staring at my meds and was hold a pill bottle in my hands  and I was trying to get the courage to end ny suffering . But I could not do it . But it hasn’t left my mind

 I’m torn about this dilema . I’m being advised not to let him into my life . He has caused so much pain and heartache . But he is my son nonetheless and I feel this parental  ( responsibility ) to be there for him . I’m in touch with him on a regular basis . But I’m sad every time he calls . This is not my son . The child I cherished and protected when he was little .  The child I tended to when he was ill . He sounds like  a stranger to me now . He speaks different and acts different . But I feel this parental need desire or guilt what ever it is . I feel I need to help him and be there for him .  Pray for me and pray for him . I don’t know what the future has in stored for him or myself . God I just wish he would wake up and see his ways are no way to live and will only lead him to this awful place again . Honestly I don’t think I can do this again . 

Sometimes I’m driving and thoughts go through my mind .if I drive right into a wall or guardrail on the highway all my pain will be over . These thoughts are more and more frequent these days . I don’t believe I have the guts or courage to do it but honestly , I wish I did . A split second and it will all be over . But the thought of my elderly parents having to deal with my demise and the heartache they would have to endure stops me from going through with it . My only concern is that for a split second a fraction of a second , I actually plan for it. 

 The little orange wonder and my little blue pill . I lay here every night . When sleep comes hard I reach out for another .my cocktail for the evening . My mind won’t rest my eyes are heavy and my heart is pounding against my chest . And I wait for the sandman that seems to never come . Some nights Im at the point of feeling intoxicated . Severe morning headaches . My nightly routine . I wish I desire , I  dream of a night of sleep . 

 My hearth aches my soul is dark my dreams shattered . Oh I had known how hard how heart wrenching and complicated it would be with life and loves betrayal and pure anguish . I would have crawled back into to comfort of my mothers womb because no one prepared me for this !  

 New Year’s Eve came and went , alone again . No friends no family around and my son somewhere on someone’s couch I’m sure . I have tried emailing him and no reply . I do wish the best for humanity but I ask God to take one second out of his very busy schedule just to watch over and make sure he has a warm bed and a full belly . It’s all I think about twenty four hours a day , seven days a week . People still ask and sometimes I even wonder myself . Why ? Why do I worry and lose so much sleep over him . Because I say , because he is my son . All the best to you my son .