Lonely days sleepless nights. Thoughts running through my mind. How I missed you , how I longed for you. Many tears , would fill an ocean . Eyes red and face tired . God how I loved you! I know those days are gone and still I cry , I cry in silence . Desperate pleas . I pray and I beg our dear Lord . I ask time and time again ,why can't she love me ? Why ,won't she love ? No longer needed I feel . Time did not stand still for you . you lived life and you loved another .But my love did not waiver . My heart still in pain . I have reached out , I have said and done all I can . Still you don't love me . Time you say , time is all you need , you say it's too soon . Years and years have gone , I am feeling old and not looking younger . So many years wasted. I would give twenty years to get the last ten back if I could only share them with you .
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Night time I loathe and despise thee. Why do you torment me so ? You tease me with heavy eyes and tired bones . I lay my head and you won't let me rest . What have I done ? what have I done ,for you to torment me this way ? My little blue pill does nothing more than taunt me . My dreams haunt me . I feel disparity , I feel abstracted from reality . The feeling of desperation and the desire to live, both are in a bitter struggle . I recall the nights I wished for the man in the dark robe to just take me , take me so I can finally rest . Please Lord I beg you , please help me. I wish so much for life . I wish so much for just one night of rest . I pray to be forgiven , I have been forsaken. If I have committed such a crime , to warrant this punishment that you deem just . Please I beg , absolve me . Release me ! I beg for reprieve , exonerate this sentence for I rather face my executioner than another night of unrest !
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 10:25 PM
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Are you able to look back at your life , ever think back to a time when your heart was broken? I can. I can think of a time a place a day and a moment frozen in time. it felt as thought someone reached into my chest cavity ,with bare hands it was torn open . My heart was taken and ripped to shreds. I can still feel the pain . God how it hurts. They say time heals all wounds , I say not true! Some wounds can never heal. My pain will not heal not until my heart stops beating and even then I question it. I sometimes believe that I am doomed damned if you will. A life sentence for the crimes I have committed. What crimes you ask? I wish I could tell you . I figure I must have done something wrong to upset the higher powers . I must have been a terrible person in a past life . I have been afflicted by pain and sorrow most of my adult life. I haven't slept a full night in years. I recently visited my Doctor and renewed my prescription. I haven't taken and sleep aids for many years , however my body is giving out. I am tired and I feel sick. I haven't taken one yet . I am not sure why . maybe I am afraid, afraid because I remember what it was like. I could not leave the house without them. I feared running low , I feared the night without my friend. The little blue pill that brought me so much comfort and solace. God I just want to sleep!!!!!!! My head races my heart beats without rhythm. many nights I simply cried myself to sleep. I sometimes think , if only i could let go , let go and live . Alas I can't . The love that I felt and feel till this day for this woman,is simply immeasurable. I now know she no longer loves me and I question if she even cares in the least. She told me last night , I do not love you , I don't feel what you feel, I don't even think about you at all. God the pain , oh the pain my broken heart has suffered so much and yet it is still able to suffer even more. God I do not want to die , but I do not want to live this life.My eyes hurt the tears they burn.My body is tired Lord.Many nights I wished you would come for me. But I know I can't let go , I can't for my son. I wish nit the same pain for him. For I know this is the pain he would have to fear if I were to stop bleeding. So for that reason my Lord I beg you , let me continue the suffering if it means my son's happiness.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 11:16 AM
Sunday, September 23, 2012
What did you want me to do ? Should I have given you my blessings ? Should I have been happy ? Happy for what ? Because you no longer cared ? Because you no longer loved me ? Yet you ask why ? Why did I do what I did , why was I so cruel ? Why why why ? I hated you for what you did to me ! I hated you for not loving me . But it's all a distant memory to me now . And yet you still ask why. How many times I wished for the courage to put a bullet in my brain . How many times I wanted no more . How many nights I pray the lord my soul to take . Yet you still ask why . Why ? I don't know why . I hated you and the world . I hated my self because I still loved you as well . It's all in the past I have told myself . Now live my life for today and try not to cry for yesterday . The tears still come and at times I don't know why . Why do I love you so ? Why did my heart not let go ? Six feet underground I still won't know . Why why why !
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 4:04 AM
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Your love is a drug , I need it I desire it I devour it.
My body aches for your touch , my heart deep with emotion, I give you all my devotion.
The blood boils in my veins , I can't stand the pain for your love holds the reins.
Your love is my high , it's my drug of choice. My mind it won't rest, longs the sound of your voice.
My heart is a prisoner of this love that I seek, I stand tall I am strong . Why do I feel so weak?
This drug is my blight, this drug feels so right , this drug brings me comfort brings me joy, in the solace of night.
Your body I desire your love I require , I long for the taste when we love not in haste.
Intertwined with emotion with our body's in motion. This drug that I take is the love that we make.
This drug is so strong , this drug can't be wrong. It's the drug that I long and my love, my love now you own !
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 10:58 PM
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Across the floor she looked at me , my body captured I couldn’t flee.
She called for me and my life was bright , I never will , forget that night.
Her touch so tender, her warm caress , I fell for her I will confess.
Her stance demands attention , her strength was my affection.
Enthralled I was to see , this lovely girl, she was for me.
Exuding confidence , assuring style . Yet knowing all the while.
This night was not to last , the future though, it now was cast.
The next few nights I couldn't wait , the call from her I hesitate.
The next few years I will remember , the joyous moments I hold so tender.
When future comes and life is gone , my thoughts of you will still live on.
My love is yours and your to hold , just think of me when you are cold.
I don't know when , I don't know how , but I promise then I promised now.
My spirit will , watch over you . My heart is pure my love is true !
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 10:50 PM
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Love absolute , it's the stuff that fairy tales are made of , or is it ?
It is difficult to comprehend how an individual may feel this way about another .
When you love without question there are no need for answers .
I like to think of love as a triangle . A triangle made up of three elements , honesty , respect and understanding . If just one of these elements is missing it's impossible to move forward .
Trust is earned but easily lost . Understanding comes from having an open mind and a great deal of patience . Respect comes from the heart , the love you feel for another metamorphoses into respect . These I believe are key elements and the basis for all successful relationships . How then do so many relationships fail ? Seems so easy to just walk away from conflict . When entering a relationship you must have faith and a bit of hope . When you enter into a loving committed partnership , you need to detach yourself from the statistical data's . You can not give your heart and soul to someone when thinking it might only be temporary .
Negativity surrounds is every day . Hopelessness lingers all around . So much tells you this to
will not succeed . You need to look deep into your heart and listen to you little voice . You need to think with a clear head and yet at the same time be willing and able to think beyond your thoughts . The heart doesn't always know best . But it knows your deepest needs and desires .
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 10:38 PM
How do you forget the past? How do you let go of the hurt? How can I stop the pain?
I long for days gone by.Days when dreams we shared . Days when future plans included more than one.How can I feel so much love and feel so much pain. The tears come without warning.You have so much anger towards me till this day. I have fought so hard to forget.I know I can't just pretend but also know I can't live it again!
God I have dreamed of the moment when my lips feel yours. When my hand caresses your skin.When our bodies entwined into one.How I have dreamed of the moment when you whisper , I love you . My heart fails to control it's rhythm every time my eyes set on yours.You fail to see , to see the love , the deep and utter admiration. You fail to see , to see my adoration , the adulation the affection the allegiance!
you do not see how my heart melts how my belly aches how my eyes fill with the tears of joy. You just can not see me at all. You look at me and look through me . You speak with judgement and mistrust. Where did we go wrong ? Why did I hurt you so? Why did you betray me so? God these tears won't stop , my love for you is without question. I feel nothing from you . Why ? why did you stop loving me? Did you ever love me?
The past full of shame the present full of pain and the future so unclear.
So many times I wished for a bullet, if I had the courage.I am a coward!
I must live with the guilt and shame . It is the price I must pay . Alone with a world collapsed at my feet!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 12:08 PM
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Under cover of dark in my subconscious mind , I lived in a world that was left far behind.
When I dream of what was and what isn't today . I look at you now and I pray you will stay .
Seems so hard that you will , ever trust in me now . I would give you my word ,I just don't know how .
You no longer need me nor require my essence , many times did I wish God would just make his presence.
I felt pain I felt sorrow and at times did I think there's no hope for tomorrow .
When you left and my life ,it just fell apart, I still feel the pain of the scars here in my heart .
Once the sky was so blue but now constantly grey, I drop down on my knee and I pray, pray pray pray.
I can promise you love , forgiveness and pleasure . Protect you respect you , your love always I'll treasure .
Please don't be my judge , or my jury today . For my heart's filled with love it will not ever stray .
How I longed your embrace or a smile on your face . Just a simple hello , not a dream in it's place .
Your life has moved on , still I just can't let go. My unstoppable love for ever will grow .
I fear for the light ,I do not want to wake . The promises now , never will I break .
My heart so filled with pain and the shame that I carry . You no longer trust me , your forgiveness is wary !
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 12:09 AM
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Wow who would have thought ?
So much time , so much pain . Years wasted so much life lost.
I can't believe what I am going through . Never did I think I would be able to tell you
I love you and not have you laugh at me . My world has been turned upside down .
Our son, so happy . I am so happy . But yet still so afraid so scared . You have yet to tell me you love me or
even tell me how you feel . Yet I know in my heart of hearts you would have already run for the hills if you felt any less.
What else God has in store for me ? I have no clue. However I would not trade this moment and this heart , so full of life and desire
I would not trade this moment in time , not for all the gold in this world.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 9:39 PM
For nine months you carried, the life that we cherish . Through much pain and with joy you gave us this boy . I love both so dearly I long to be near thee . Our hopes they were tattered when conception seemed shattered . Many barriers were placed now his smile we would face. In birth you were brave I stood proud with our name. Then I reached out to hold him and whispered , I love you. One look and I knew now my worries were few . Now the sky always blue and my dreams have come true !
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 5:33 AM
Friday, September 7, 2012
Your warm supple skin and bright shiny smile , your dark flowing hair so many desire. - Your dark striking eyes and rich classic style , your wise witty ways I never will tire. - With soul piercing eyes and beauty to spare , some can't help but wonder and often just stare . - With courage of few and strength of a nation , perseverance and power , unjustly elation . - Your womanly ways and soul of a child ,restored all my hope and dreams that were dire . - I promise to love you and always respect you . You never will struggle , I'll always protect you !
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 10:40 PM
How I wish I could hold you and feel the warmth of your smile. And I can’t help but wonder did I dream all the while. How I longed for your touch and the air you respire. I was sure the forgotten and my love not required. Now my heart it is broken for the words that I’ve spoken. Though forgiveness is futile I will still say I’m sorry. When my body is ashes and my son tells the story. In my eyes he was perfect for her love he would worry. In the depths of his sorrows or the strength of his glory.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 12:45 PM
The ache that I feel is the shame that I carry. Though my love was for real you will always be weary. I can’t change what the past was of the future you worry. You may never forgive me and my heart it feels heavy. You were all that I wanted but I only neglected. In my eyes you’re the child that I always protected. Now my eyes they are filled, with the tears that I cry. And can’t help but wonder , why why why ?
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 12:13 PM
You are the moon in my night You are the shine to my light You are the strength to my might. - You are the air that I breathe You are the blood that I bleed You are the love that I heed. - You are my left to my right You are the fight to my blight You are the words that I write. - You are the one I adore You are the one I want more You are the one evermore. - You are the song to my choir You are the one I require THE ONLY ONE I DESIRE ! I love you ........ -
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 1:14 AM
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
I dream of a dream , I dream in a way, I dream of a dream and for ever you'll stay.
I dream of a place so far away, where my heart is fulfilled and my love does not stray.
I dream of a time when your love was so real, I dream of a life when you held me so dear.
I dream of the past and the future unclear, I dream of a dream and I still have you near.
I dream and I pray for your love to be here,I dream and I hope for a love I won't fear.
I dream of a dream where my heart does not ache, I dream and I pray for the Lord my soul take.
I dream of a dream where my eyes do not cry, my head knows the truth but my heart knows not why.
I dream of a dream , of the love that I feel, a love without question with devotion so clear.
I dream of a dream and your love I reclaim, I dream of a dream when you call I out my name.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 11:45 AM
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
FOR ALL THESE REASONS AND MORE, I LOVE YOU. When I hear your name, my heart skips a beat. When I hear you speak, you make me feel weak. When I see your face, I can’t look away. When I see you smile, I’m a child at play. When I look in your eyes, I see what I had. When you walk away, I feel nothing but sad. When I look in my heart I see no one but you. When I look in my soul I see love ever true. When I lay down to sleep in my dreams you will play, I pray and I pray that for ever you’ll stay. If it’s only in dreams that your mine for the take, than I pray to the Lord may I never awake!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 8:48 AM
Monday, March 26, 2012
What else is there ? I have a great job , a great house , a nice car good friends and family. Yet I still long , I still search and for what? Why am I still so unhappy?
Sadness is in my heart , pain takes over .Time goes by . I see my parents getting old , I see my son growing up becoming a young adult. I see my life slipping away , I feel like crying but the tears won't come. What is the meaning? what is the point?
I work day and night for all I have . I work day and night to provide for my son.
I have it all people say , I wish I had what you have people say. I wish I was more like you people say. All the while I am thinking I would give it all up if I could , if I could just figure out what I would give it all for!
God has a plan I keep telling myself. God will show me the way I keep telling myself.
I just wish God would give me a hint a clue a sign. Anything , anything before another gray hair before another wrinkle before another sleepless night!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 1:35 PM
Monday, August 8, 2011
Remember when we used to dream?
Remember when we were in love?
Recently although indirectly, you came into my life. I loved you for so long and for long after that I hated you. You will never know the impact you had in my life. You are now happy and with your own life. I hated you for what you did but most of all I hated you for what you made me become. Someone close to you and I contacted me recently and although at first I was happy I now wish she hadn't!
You broke my heart, the pain I felt for so long I will never forget. The tears I cried, the sleepless nights, the sorrow I felt can not be described.
I will never forget you or what you did; ironically I can never forget how much I loved you. I would have killed for you; I would have died for you.
I would stare out my window towards yours in the hope you would see me and somehow we would be able to pick up where we left off. Dreams don’t come true I know that now.
I wish I could tell you what I felt for so long, how much life and time you stole from me.
I was angry for so long, I am not angry anymore, I am older now and time heals most wounds. I try not to think about you but you are and will always be a part of my life good or bad.
Take care I hope you are as happy as I would have wanted you to b
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 4:06 AM
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wow I can't believe I am 46 , I mean I don't feel like I am . Truth be told I feel much older at times. Constantly I am told I look younger. I used to believe it but now I think people just say that cause they feel that is what you want to hear. I spent the evening with my son the best gift I could ever receive. He is back at home with his mom and I am about to go to bed alone. Another year older and another year alone.The older I get the harder it seems to be alone.But what do I do about it? I know I can't be with anyone for reasons known only by my closest.I could never replace what is lost nor could I ever regain what is gone. The years go by and the lines on my face more prominent.My parents have aged and I am not far behind.Another year older , no candles no cake no balloons.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 2:10 PM
Friday, November 26, 2010
In Buddhist teaching, the law of karma says only this: `for every event that occurs there will follow another event whose existence was caused by the first.
Dave I recently got a phone call from you know who, I am sure I don't need to go into details so I will keep it short. She asked you to move out, she sold the house and she and my son are now moving back closer to home. To say that I was in shock would be a great understatement. Dave the grass is not always greener on the other side I see that now!
Let me start by saying this; I remember a long time ago many years ago on many occasions, picture this, the phone rings in the middle of the night. Who could be calling I wondered? I needed to get up by five am to get to work, so I can pay the bills and support my family. No one was on the other side at least I thought.
Many phone calls later and many sleepless nights, after I said a few chosen words in regards to the call you finally had the balls to speak.
You sad and I quote" You can't stop me from calling I will call anytime I want, I always get what I want"
Well Dave little did I know that she already knew who was the orchestrator of my sleepless nights.
Dave the heart ache , the loss I felt after you stole my family away from me ,the years the wonderful years of my sons life that you stole from me and I will never ever get back , Dave now you find your self with two ex wives your own and mine , wow! The irony. It’s almost comical but it isn't funny for me.
Dave more than ten years later from time to time I still wake up feeling like there is a hole in my chest, I can't breath and my heart aches. My eyes are dry because there are no more tears. Dave I hope your (first) ex lets you see your children I believe it is important for couples that split up to share their children's lives.
And I pray for you Dave, I pray that your children never know the kind of man you are. The man that left their mother to steal my wife!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 8:57 PM
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Well not sure why I've been away. I thought it was because I had nothing to say. I realize now that it's mainly because I had too much to say and wasn't sure what to write about first. So much has happened since my last visit here.I moved to a new home. Well not a brand new home but new to me.It's a small town like I wanted . A small house like I wanted. New faces and new places like I wanted. So why do I still feel this void? I am alone 95 percent of the time. My son visits every second weekend. However his mom claims she was sick last weekend and did not bring him to see me. It will be a month before I see him again. My cat is lost again and for a few weeks I was dog sitting my parents puppy while they were on vacation but he is now back at their house. So now my son is not here , the dam cat is missing again and the puppy is gone. I live in a small two bedroom house and yet it feels so empty. There are times when I treasure my time alone. But there are times when I long for someone I can talk to ,someone I can laugh with and at nights I long for someone to hold. Yet it is so hard for me to let anyone into my little world. I trust very few people and I rely and depend on no one.Alone is what I am and alone is where I will be. At least the fish in the aquarium won't leave, although a few of them have perished . At least I know they can't run away!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 1:32 PM
Friday, September 4, 2009
I will never let you do this to me again , the words you said last night still resonate in my ears. Go ahead and move you said, go on with your life you told me. I will ,I will go on. I will go on be happy and never let you or anyone do this to me again.
Good luck to you I say...
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 10:56 AM
Thursday, June 18, 2009
There is much much pain that time could not erase. Some wounds are much too deep. But not a day goes by I don't think of you. The day the nights and all the monents in beteween. My hearts bleads , my soul empty. But what am I to do? I am not sure anymore . I know you will read this and I know you will think of me. And I know I will wake up tomorrow once again with no one to hold. No one to embrace and once again only one cup of coffee will brew. But the thought the smell the tase of you is forever ingraved in my mind your touch still fresh on my skin, your kiss still soft on my lips. I wanted you to know that I have not forgotten all the good times and all you taugh and enlightened me with. Memories, you always said hold on to your memories and I have!
Te amo ,always and for ever, take care and God bless.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 12:45 PM
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Today I heard two co workers talk about their kids. One who happens to be a good buddy of mine was telling the other co worker that he is glad his son is big now and he doesn't have to pick him up or carry him around. I know his son and he is but only 8 years young. my son is 10 and I still pick him up when he wants to be picked up , I still kiss and hug him and tell him I love him every chance I get, when I lay on the couch he jumps on me and we lay down together and watch TV. I still read to him at night and sometimes he falls asleep next me and I later tuck him in his bed. I treasure all these moments because I know how fast time passes by us, only to one day ask, where did the years go? I love my son and there is nothing I won't do for him, I would give my life for him with out a thought. I wish all fathers and mothers would stop for one moment step back and make time for their kids. Children grow up too fast these days and there is very little time for them to be kids. I will never stop loving nor hugging nor kissing nor telling him how proud I am and how much I love him. When he is too old to hear these things I will still say them, if I have to I will say them under my breath but he will always know his dad loves him and will never stop loving or treasuring him.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 12:58 PM
Monday, June 8, 2009
Well another weekend has come and gone, 5 pm Sunday came too quick once again.That is the time I drop my son off at his grandparents. His mom was supposed to be there to pick him up but of course she wasn't there. I am not sure if she was even going to be there to pick him up or maybe he might stay there over night. According to the agreement he has to be there by 5pm, so not much else I can do.We went to see the new Disney movie "UP" what a wonderful film.Not you typical Disney movie, my son actually cried on the way home when we talked about the movie and some of the more tender moments in it. What else did we do? well we also went to the flea market , he was looking to trade some of his older video games for a very popular Pokemon game, no luck. He was so happy when a boy and his dad inquired about an old hand held system they had for sale and were told it would cost 40 dollars! The look on his face , you see the day before we visited some garage sales and we purchased the same system for 2 dollars. He looked at me, we both smiled and gave high fives. It was one of those great moments that make me glad to be a dad.
I love you buddy can't wait for more adventures.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 11:43 AM
Monday, May 18, 2009
Guy what are you doing? I can see she is so into you and all you intend on doing is to eventually hurt her as well. Let her go now, don't do this to her man! I should be so lucky to find someone like her. The way she smiles the way her eyes light up. When I saw her reach out to hold your hand and you walked away I wanted to run up to her and offer mine. When I saw her put her head on your shoulder and put her hand in yours I hated you for that ,I hated you for what you are about to do. God I wish I was sitting in your place.I wanted to hold her and kiss her and whisper in her ear , all the while I knew this was not the way that things would be . Destiny has betrayed me once again, and in such a cruel way reminded me that perhaps this is still a part of my punishment for the man I once was.This will never be mine. I miss the feeling of being loved, I miss the warmth and tenderness I once took for granted. Man, I have been such a fool.Is it possible to love someone at first glance? To desire someone so much that you hate your best friend for what he has? I wish I could tell her so that she would look into my eyes and fall in love with me the way she has with you, this also will never be!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 4:35 PM
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Man you really did a number on me this time around. No matter how I try and God knows I have tried, I just can't get you out of my mind. I can't sleep , I can't think , I can't function.I am so fucking pissed ! Why do you do this to me? I am sure you are now back in his arms and once again I am left to figure out what this was all about and left to try and rebuild once again the little bit of a life I had left after you deserted me the last time. I hate you for what you have done! I wish I could fall asleep and forget you , I wish I could just erase you, I wish I wish but I can't , I can't and I blame you for this pain and anger I feel deep inside my body . My blood boils and my fists are clenched. I HOPE YOU CAN SLEEP, CAUSE I CAN'T!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 12:37 PM
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
You come in and out of my life like a thief in the night. There is no room in your world for someone such as me. Yet you reach out to me in time of need perhaps even loneliness. I too am a person with heart , flesh and blood , I also hurt I also cry. I can not and will not let you do this to me AGAIN! I can't I won't be a part of your mad existence and fantasy that you have created for your self.I am not your fall guy. I am not the fool I once was. Good luck to you and God bless.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 1:05 PM
Friday, April 3, 2009
Dad calls me to tell me mom is driving him crazy. Mom calls me in tears to tell me she is thinking of leaving dad. My sister calls me complaining about one brother , the other brother complains to me about the other. One of my best friends calls me to tell me his wife doesn't love him and they are getting a divorce. My other friend wants to drown his sorrow with a bottle.Mom says out of all her kids I am the only one she can talk to, my friends say the same. I ask this one question , who is then left for me to call?
I am surrounded by family and friends and yet I feel so alone.Where is my shoulder to cry on, where is my confidant. I guess that is my burden , my cross. I have always been a good listener , I have always cared about others and their difficulties. All I ask for is that just one I would like to be able to speak and be heard.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 1:53 PM
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Surprise surprise. Wow man I should have known ! I let my guard down again and you came in with both barrels blasting at me.I welcomed you back into my home , my life my heart. Now you go back to your old ways. I was never first on your list and now I come to the conclusion that I was possibly never even on it.Before you decide to mess up some one's life again take a moment to take stock of your own . Try to figure out what it is that drives you to come in and out of my life. You disrupt my world turn my nights upside down. STOP and look both ways before you cross my street again.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 1:57 PM
Sunday, March 8, 2009
To say, that I am disappointed would be a great understatement. I truly don't know the word for what I feel at this moment.I have always said, ours was a friendship of convenience. I merely filled a temporary void in your life. I often said to your dismay and denial, that once someone else fills this emptiness, you would have no further use for my existence in your life.When I needed you the most you were no where in sight .
I reached a point were I felt I was alone, overworked and overwhelmed with life ,I needed your friendship but instead you discarded me like yesterdays trash. I will never profess to my being perfect. I can however, whole heartily and without prejudice say that I am a man that can truly be counted and depended upon. I have always been there for you and yours without question nor malice.
Four long and lonely months have gone by and now you find your self looking to once again fill this void and you come to me "old dependable". After our conversation last night it became more than ever so apparent that my skepticism was correct.
Last night you filled me up with the joy of laughter, but also with the sorrow of a heartache.When I awoke this morning I was bewildered and confused. I suddenly remembered our conversation and I felt ill. I was upset at myself for allowing my thoughts to get carried away in lieu of my better judgement.
I don't know which road we will travel from this day forth. I do know with ambiguity that I will look both ways from now on.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 7:16 AM
Thursday, February 26, 2009
You said you'd call , you didn't.It's OK I still love you , how can I not? One day you will learn it all , you may not understand it all but you will know it all.
But yet I still wait hoping you haven't forgotten . Perhaps you're busy with life friends and more. I understand , still I wait.The days are long since you've been gone. The time we've missed , I wish we could have back.I will wait and I will wait and I will wait. To me you could do no wrong!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 2:13 PM
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
You can complain all you want, I won't stop listening.
You may be right, the winters are long and cold and there is too much time to reflect on life. I think it may be more than just the winter doldrums though. For me it's the acknowledgment of my own mortality. I will be 44 years young next month and I can't help but think of my life, past present and future. My life has certainly been one miscalculation after another. I may have been some what delusional to think that things would have taken a different turn. When I reflect on my past I now know the course had been entrenched and there would be no wavering. The stones were laid and the path was set and certain. The winter is cold yes, but lonely without question. I live for the days when my son visits (God ten years ago I never thought I would ever say , when my son visits) however this is the path that this story has taken me on and I must endure the torment in order to complete the cycle and fulfill my destiny , what ever that may be.
The great narrator (if you believe there is one) tells the story and I live on in this role of persona non grata in my own sometimes fictional character. Tonight is not especially cold but I lack the warmth that my heart requires.
It is, a cold and lonely winter.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 3:11 PM
Friday, January 16, 2009
Man,will it ever end? It's been almost seven years since my separation, nine if you count the last two years of torment and utter horror . It never ceases to amaze me how she thinks the world revolves around her. She uses my son as an excuse to accomplish her goals. God sees all , the day of reckoning will soon come ! I am not holly man nor am I righteous man , but I know that I am a good man , I don't live my life for others to fear. I will hold the door open for a stranger , I won't look the other way if someone requires aid. It baffles me , the idea, that a human being can live life for the sole purpose of self gratification.It is such a short existence for us on this planet and to think that some can live only to make others miserable astonishes me and strikes me with fear.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 2:19 PM
Monday, January 12, 2009
Its difficult surrendering to the night.I sit here and stare out into the darkness , the abyss , the night sky. It's been unusually cold lately . The voice on the radio is my only companion .I struggle with the darkness , I fear for what is to come. Faint lights in the distance , from up here I can imagine what every one of them sees.Love , hope, sorrow , joy . I know there is loneliness out there .Man it's cold tonight.It's late and my alarm will wake me out of my sleep by five am . My duvet drapes my body ,the down hugs me gently. I cocoon myself in my thoughts.The man on the radio says there is a cold weather alert "no fucking kidding"Pack it in and do it all over again tomorrow, JOY!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 4:09 PM
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Some friend you are! Fuck you would think that maybe you could for one night turn your fucking cell phone off. You come over under the pretense of wanting to catch up on old times. You lecture me on how I need to get out and meet people (women). You say you are happy with all your female friends, they know where you stand your upfront with them, they are aware you are not interested in a relationship. Man I never heard more garbage from anyone else in my life. Your phone rings but before you pick up you tell me to be quiet? Get a grip on reality. Your insight on my supposed state of dysphoria leaves me to wonder about your own state of mind. You say I am lonely and yet you need to encompass yourself with artificial consorts. You call them friends. I much rather be alone and lonely as you put it then need to feel wanted by people who don’t even exist. I am lonely yes at times, who isn’t? For the most part I am content with my life. Only thing I am truly lacking is a companion a confidant a comrade a partner if you will. I don’t remember when I last had someone that I could truly depend on and I don’t suppose I will anytime soon. So I guess you are right I am lonely, but the difference with us is I chose to be on my own, you however are lonely but not alone.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 6:22 PM
Friday, January 2, 2009
And so it ends and so it begins. One more year year older, more gray thinning hair and another hangover. Just me my parents my ungrateful brother and his new girlfriend and new baby( not his first ) but first one with this one. Yes a night to remember , I wish I could just forget. I should have stayed home . Only reason I didn't is cause I was afraid of being alone. I guess I went cause they asked , or was it cause no one else asked? any way it was OK lots to eat and drink but not much else. I think for the first time in a long one I was actually lonely . Maybe it was the idea that I had no one special to say goodbye to the old year with and no one to celebrate the new with.I can't wait to see what this year has in store for me , oh wait , yes I can!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 3:27 PM
Monday, December 29, 2008
Ever have a life altering experience? A moment when time stands still and you think about your life and your existence. A wake up call if you will, or a slap in the face not sure which yet. I had one of those moments tonight. Man what the hell am I doing? I ask myself over and over . Our actions not only affect us , but greatly also those around us .Those that care and love us ,although these days they are few, nonetheless still important.Time for a change I tell myself . I stop for a moment " Déjà vu " Fuck didn't I say these very words to myself not too long ago? Then why the hell am I still on this fucked up ride? The nearest exit I am off!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 3:10 PM
Monday, December 15, 2008
My friends, or so called friends, where were you when I needed you? haven't I always been there for you ? Someone once told me my biggest downfall is I do too much for others. I never thought I would ever agree with that statement , unfortunately I am starting to believe that person might have been right. I recently found myself in great need of help. Tremendously overworked and overwhelmed with my current situation and yet not a one came to my aid.I even confronted two of them , two people that I have helped and done so much for through the years. Their response was to attack me and blame me for not asking for help. I guess I thought that the fact that they knew I was doing all of this on my own and the fact that I have given so much of myself to them and to their families , I thought that would have been enough to inspire them to acknowledge our friendships. I guess I was wrong.My friends what would I do with out you?
Probably, I would do much better!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 2:29 PM
Monday, December 1, 2008
I woke up in a cold sweat. My god it was just a dream , my heart races my head spins my vision not clear . For a moment she was mine. In my arms once again like she used to be.A deep desire for the unattainable. The mother of my son, how can a woman so beautiful be so cruel? I ask my self why after all this time after all the pain she has caused , why I can still dream of her this way? I know ,I no longer love her but I guess there is still a part of me that still longs for days gone by. So many years past so many lives altered. My heart still aches , not for her, but rather for love. For the warmth and desire , for the touch and for the smile that greets you at the door. A smile can warm the heart on the coldest ,most brutal winter's day.Anger sets in , sorrow to follow. This too will pass , this is not the first time I have felt like this . I believe I know what destiny has in store for me . Many sleepless nights in my past, surely this one won't be the last. Well I keep telling myself maybe one day I will be able to forget.God knows I can use the rest!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 1:43 PM
Saturday, August 9, 2008
The phone rang, I answered it. Hello! Dan? I am moving. WHERE, WHEN, WHY?
I yelled I cried I cursed. You have stolen the best years of my son’s life from me and now you are taking him away from me completely. I have done and given everything a father should.
My heart aches and my skin crawls, I am beside myself. This desperate feeling I have felt before. Why is there no peace in my life? I ask the lord above (I get no answer).
A long painful and costly battle ensues. My son I will still get to see just not as frequent as I did before.
My son you will always be
On this earth or in the earth beneath your feet
Your Father I will always be
In the heavens above or in the hells below
A Father I will always be!
The one sure thing no one can take from me.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 3:20 PM
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Clonazepam and Imovane! They used to be my only recourse to an otherwise long sleepless night. I am so dependant on them that I won't leave the house without them no matter where I go.They have become a part of who I am what ever I am. Both pills in my mouth and a downing of a large glass of water then sit an wait for my world to spin. The problem is it spinning less everyday, my Dr says I have become used to them , I fear I may have become addicted to them. I won't sleep thinking I may run short on my supply.No longer can I time how long it will take from when I swallow till I am safely asleep in my bed." A DRINK"is what I need I tell myself, then another than another.Eventually I manage to get some rest but only to wake up with blood shot eyes and mayor dark bags under my eyes.I have never been one to sleep much , but how I long for the days of my youth when all it took was a comfy pillow and a warm blanket.The night mare that started this all has now become history but the wounds from that war I fought still remain , the scars have started to form but time has not been good to me.I look old I feel old and every bone aches.
One day I tell my self, one day I will be able to sleep , I only pray I am lying in a warm bed and not under six feet of frozen dirt!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 6:12 PM
Friday, November 16, 2007
That was the first thing he said to me. I picked him up Wednesday after work like I do every Wednesday .Riddled with guilt I was , haven't slept for almost three nights. One migraine after another.What a shitty week I had before this incident and after.
It was going to be a fun filled weekend for us a few rental videos , maybe go swimming to my friends pool, she has been kind enough to give us a key to her condo and the use of her pool.A death in the family lead to me taking care of one of my nephews that Friday night. That is when it all began a weekend I will not soon forget! They were so misbehaved , my son has been acting up lately , answering back getting angry and just getting rebellious.I see the anger in him same anger I saw in his mother all those years.(God please don't let him turn out like her).
by Sunday night I had had it I didn't sleep well I was tired from work the previous week, his mother had called a few days before complaining that he has anger issues and he doesn't want to listen to anybody.I could hear him in the back seat of her car as she was yelling and screaming about his behaviour. I wonder who really has the anger issues?
I love my son I would give my life for him,anyone that knows me knows I am a good and loving father. I was so mad about his behaviour .Grandma called and invited us over for Sunday night dinner his two cousins were also there, one a little darling the other a little Devil.
I should have known better and just stayed home. The night was ruined with his cousin the older boy acting like a maniac out of control, then my son soon followed suite.I could see the frustration in my parents face , my head about to explode. The kids were acting like they had been possessed.After many many warning and talking to him.I finally lost it.I picked him up said we had to go , he left kicking and screaming.I was out of my mind , I love him so much,that is why I can't get over the guilt of what I said to him next " I hate you you ruined my life"
God please forgive me , the guilt I now carry weighs heavy upon my already burdened shoulders.The second I said it I wished for time to stand still and erase this moment of weakens I had encountered.
I am sorry he said when I picked him up on Wednesday, after a long hug in front of all his classmates I also said I am sorry my son. Why are you sorry Daddy? The innocence in his voice told me his love was no match for the mean words I used three nights before. His love for me had erased any trace of what I had said.
I am sorry for the things I said Daddy over reacted and I should not have said those things I love you and always will. I know that Daddy I am not upset!
Love is a wonderfull cure I still regret tremendously what I said , but I take comfort in knowing that I had a moment of weakness and my son's love for me is unconditional.Kids are amazing beings and they can teach us so much if we just listen to them just like we ask them to listen to us.
I love you Buddy!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 3:36 PM
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
There once lived a prince in a great big castle.
He was a very kind prince .One day a loud knock was heard on the castle’s front door.
When the kind prince opened the gigantic castle doors, he was amazed by what he saw.
In front of him was standing this beautiful princess, her eyes as blue as the sky, her hair glowed like gold and her skin sparkled.
Next to her was this little wrinkled old woman looked more like a witch her hair was messy and her face covered with warts. The beautiful princes batting her eyelashes said, oh kind prince would you let me in from the cold I am hungry and have not eaten for days?
The kind prince looked down upon these two women and said nothing.
Then the old witch also spoke, oh kind prince of whom I have heard so much about, your kindness is well known .I am also hungry and I am cold.
The beautiful princess was not about to let this ugly old witch get her wish. You see the prince had to make a decision, because he was only permitted to let one person in at a time. This was the rule in this castle for many generations and he was not about to brake his castle’s rules. It was at this point when the beautiful gentle princess became very loud and very mean and said you better not let this dirty old witch in instead of me, look at her she is filthy and old. The kind prince stared at the little old woman, than softly she spoke and said, oh, kind prince the beautiful one is right .For I am an old woman and I am dirty and I do not deserve your kindness. The prince looked up and said I have made my desicion .He reached out and held the old woman’s hand and led her into the castle. The very second the old woman stepped through the door ,the prince was blinded by the brightest light he had ever seen not able to look into the light he closed his eyes, but when he reopened them in the place of the old woman stood a beautiful princess , the most beautiful princess he had ever seen. When he looked outside of the castle doors he saw that the beautiful princess he had refused entry to, had turned into an evil old witch.
The beautiful princess thanked the kind prince , you see my kind prince, many years ago the old witch had cast a spell on me ,that until the day that someone can see through my ugly exterior and see the kindness inside my heart the spell would not be broken.
The prince said it was not an easy thing for me to decide, but when you spoke and I heard the beauty inside of you, I knew then you were a kind woman regardless of what you looked like. Beauty does not always come wrapped in a pretty package.
This is a story I recently told my eight year old son, I explained the moral of the story is that we must never judge people by what they look like .When he asked where I had read it I told him well I just made it up! He was so spellbound by it. I now have to make one up every night he sleeps over. I love the intensity and the curiosity in his eyes as he listens to my stories.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 5:39 PM
Saturday, August 11, 2007
To me there is no greater reward than a job well done!
The gratification after an assignment is completed. The delight of a project coming to fruition, my indulgence is that of a small child. A small contribution on my part to humankind . Let me explain, as I have been feeling much better in the late I have taken up an old hobby and introduced it to a means of earning an income.
I am ,The Handy Man!
So proud I am when my mobile rings and people, strangers request my services, I who thought I had nothing to offer to this wonderful but sometimes cruel world, now find myself busier than ever. What an amazing feeling it is to see something you have created or mended finally completed. To see the faces of the people single mom’s, busy professional couples the elderly, all these people are suddenly in need of my help and I have to tell you it is an extraordinary sense of accomplishment. For so long I have felt unneeded, unwanted useless and helpless. All it takes is a smile from someone and a thank you and a simple phrase, what would I have done without you!
Man what a feeling , I can now look at myself in the mirror once again and be proud of the person I see and no longer is it that difficult for me to look into my eyes . The world is for our taking and for all those out there finding it difficult to see how wonderful and useful you can be, take my advice find something you love to do something that first will bring you joy then share it with others you will see then what I can see now.
Thank you My friend and you know who you are , a true inspiration !
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 3:48 PM
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
The sun sets and the moon rises, but every night I lay down onto my bed and rarely a smile on my face. However, change is in the horizon.
Name me one person who does not desire to have something about himself or herself altered a modification some kind of correction. I will show you someone that is full of shit!
We all have an appetite for transformation to achieve some level of what society and we ourselves would call (perfection). Nevertheless, with change comes acceptance. Perhaps it is that we want change in order to be accepted. Can we change are we able to? On the other hand, are we destined to be who we are from the beginning of time? Surely, with the advancements of modern technology and the most comprehensive medical procedures available to men kind many never before ever thought of possibilities are now reality. Numerous studies show men and women desire for changes to their appearance. I am just wondering how many if ever were polled about the changes they would like to make within their bodies. I for one have a list and always have had this list of things I would alter in a heartbeat on the outside. Why then do we find it so difficult to want to make those refinements underneath our skins? We can make all sorts of corrections to our outer selves and surely then we would be “accepted” but you still have to look at your self in the mirror everyday and I for one can’t get past my inner psychological deformities. I do not like the person I see inside my eyes, I want to make the person different I have tried and failed many times. I pray for strength I pray for assistance I pray for intervention, but nothing short of a miracle, no outer force can make that metamorphosis unless I first acknowledge the changes needed. So I guess that is my first step to achieving some level of perfection within me, an admission of imperfection. I admit I am not perfect not on the outside and certainly not even close on the inside. I have an enthusiastic hunger for change, fervor for buoyancy. I concede and recognize the need for this reformation and so my quest begins to find the inner beauty to make the amendments to reach my level of acceptance. I look into the mirror and admire the being that dares to stare back at me with disgust, for if not for him this change would never come about .Change will come, I am sure of that, it will not come easy but it will come!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 5:34 PM
Monday, August 6, 2007
What do we search for all our lives? All my life I have been searching, looking for something. Some elusive creature that some call happiness, I do not really know anymore if it exists or if it is just a myth. Pursuing a dream, perhaps an expedition or an exploration, I have been rummaging through my soul. A mélange a potpourri of emotions a hodgepodge of (GARBAGE).
I have heard it said that we are our own worst enemies .My insides have been fighting a loosing battle with my outer forces the enemies I have created. I have polluted my soul an my heart and my life with the way I have chosen to live it, although at times I have had very little control and seldom if ever, any choice..
It seems every time I make any head wave the amalgamation of the evil paratroopers that control my outer world are always set for a rapid deployment of the troops. One-step forward and ten steps back. My head tells me I am fighting a war that cannot be won, but my heart is strong perhaps too stubborn to just give in to their demands. Nevertheless, at what cost I ask myself? I am tired and weak, I could almost taste the led, but if I pull the trigger, they win so I ease off the pressure by the thoughts of my son. He is all I have and all I will always have, God how I hate the fact that he is turning out to be just like his mother. I can see it in his anger in his frustration in his way of talking to me, with this authoritative manner, as if I am beneath both of them anything I say is mostly ignored then I get angry and have to remind him I am still his Father it sometimes works, not always. I am tired so tired, so dam tired.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 4:26 PM
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Here I sit late at night my meds kicking in almost time for bed but time yet for one more smoke. What a hellish day I had, how do I always let people talk me into doing things I don’t want? Three fucking hours in bumper-to-bumper trafic. Metal, plastic and the smell of burning rubber in what must have seemed like 40 Celsius.
Two screaming kids in the back and my anxiety medication was not doing it today after popping four Advil’s for my migraine that wasn’t cutting it either. All I could think about , between the screaming kids and the never-ending traffic. How badly I wanted to pull my car over to the shoulder to a screeching halt step out light a smoke and walk away from it all forever. The job search the uncertainty its all coming to a head if the kids hadn’t been in the car I would have driven into the first tree I could find. I don’t know, man what a fucked up day three hours just to sit on a dirty windy beach crowded with masses of common people like hoards of cattle. I despised them all today. Thinking about it now sends chills down my spine, but earlier all I wanted to do , was escape this madness,find a ledge or run away forever and slowly fade out into nowhere.
(Who knows I just might).
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 4:26 PM
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Man, what a trip!
My heart races my blood boils, my skin crawling with a million insects. Any moment my head will explode, I can feel the color of my flesh changing from a deep blood red to a sickening purple. Anger is building (I could hurt someone); I have to control myself (I could hurt myself).I feel like I am no longer in my body like an out of body experience. I can see myself and feel myself but I cannot be myself. Another panic attack, I tell myself.
Not this one, this time it is not, this one feels like an over load of anxiety, I feel like a tantrum an infantile seizure. Not sure if I want to cry or scream for help. Than I remember my clonazapam, my only savior not much choice this is the hand I have been dealt by the powers that be.
Every time I tell myself, I have to catch it in advance stop the madness before it begins but the madness catches me and I reach for my meds, the candy to the kid inside me. The only alleviation to my distress. I recently saw this movie and one line caught my attention. “Do what ever it takes” this can apply to anything in life. What ever it takes as long as it takes the point is not to give up not to give in. What ever you want out of this thing some call life do what ever it takes to get it.
God knows I am trying!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 2:32 PM
Friday, August 3, 2007
I once had a dream, it was in blue and green, clear sun drenched waters and the call of Mother Nature all around me.
Yes, my friends if you want to live a dream visit this wonderful place. I have concluded that God in all his wisdom created this place as a testament to his heavenly powers.
For you will never see more beauty, more color or splendor than the wonder that is Muskoka.
I shall miss you, but I will visit .You have left a mark on me that is tender to the touch. The call of the loon in the evening is the song of the night. I sometimes close my eyes and deep in thought, I listen for the night bird and its song to drown out my City life.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 4:54 PM
For most of my life, I have lived with my eyes wide shut. There are times in our lives when we question ourselves and suspect that not everything we see is all there is. I search deep with in my heart deep down into my soul and I have come to only one conclusion, my life has not even begun.
I open my eyes but fail to see the light; the darkness of my past blinds me. The truth is there, I know it is. Happiness cannot be very far. I have to think about all those around me whom I have done wrong. All those around me that truly matter; I wish I could make restitution but fail to see how. I believe that the road to forgiveness is paved with acknowledgement. The first step of any program is admitting to your faults. There is no recovery without self-evaluation.
Luke 6:37 "Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned
My eyes no longer wide shut, however neither are they yet wide open.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 4:02 PM
Thursday, June 21, 2007
My head is heavy and my heart is sad. I hold in my anger , I try to bottle it up but I am afraid .I fear when it reaches it's boiling point it will blow without warning or control. My life is like a volcano , laying dormant for a long time , bubbling inside and temperatures rising. I have felt the tremors many times I feel the pressure , my head feels like it will blow at any second.I fear for the outcome . I fight day and night to keep it under control.
I pray for guidance and strength, it is all I can do....
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 5:22 AM
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
I am so confused so afraid and feel so uncertain about my future.I want to move on ,I just want to live on , I just want to go on with my life and breathe with out gasping .I feel like there is a brick wall in front of me , my arms stretched out wide and my hand firmly on it. I have been pushing against this wall in a futile attempt to regain the convition of my life.I see the drag marks on the ground and the callouses on my skin. Yet I feel like this wall has not even budged an inch.This is the wall of my past and it is heavy.
Heavy with the burden of sorrow and pain love gained love lost betrayal anguish and hate , I see anger and mistrust , I see all the graffiti on this wall, it is all the color of blood.I am tired of pushing this wall . I question myself ,am I pushing it or is it pushing me? What's holding me back?
I wish I knew...
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 4:56 AM
Saturday, June 2, 2007
1. Marital disloyalty; adultery.
2. Unfaithfulness; disloyalty.
3. Lack of religious faith, esp. Christian faith.
4. A breach of trust or a disloyal act; transgression.
The dictionary’s explanation of infidelity .Resent survey shows that 80% of couples will experience infidelity at some point of their relationship. Divorce at its all time high, some surveys suggests any where between 55% an up to 70%.
A staggering statistic and a frightening one at best .
Why are we not able to be loyal to each other?
Some will argue it is in our jeans, our genetic make up. They say humans were not genetically designed to be monogamous, humans were designed to only copulate.
The only reason for our meager existence is procreation.
What ever happened to Love? I have been in love before; Will it work will we fail?These are questions I hear people ask themselves , I do not know I try not to think about these things anymore. I believe if you are lucky enough to fall in love, then you must enjoy the moment embrace it treasure it nourish it and respect it.But also be aware of it.
Love is a wonderful experience do not question it just apprise it and defend it!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 5:37 PM
I am sorry Daddy, he said as he stepped out of my car. I was dropping him off at his mom’s house access weekend had ended. For what buddy? I asked. I am sorry for what I did today, looking into my eyes and touching my very soul. The look of worry and sadness in his eyes, I love you buddy, and Daddy has already forgotten what you did, me too he said as if somehow relieved that it was not such an issue that I would remember. Assured now that Wednesday will come and Daddy will still be there for him he smiled and hugged me tight. Truth is I had forgotten. Clean your room I said, you have to pick up your toys, I reminded him, finish your breakfast so you can grow big and strong. I played out the day in my head and could not quite remember why this gentle little boy with angelic eyes , why he would have cause to apologize. I guess going through all the hurdles that life has carefully placed in front of my life race to the finish, in the process I have learned not to hold grudges but mostly I have learned to forgive and forget.
To my son with love from Daddy!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 5:25 PM
Monday, May 21, 2007
The phone rang I was asleep on the couch, whispers of soft melodies in my ear. I had fallen asleep to one of the music channels on cable. It rang again; I was in and out of consciousness, as I had only rested maybe two hours the night before. It rang and it ran, finally I managed to reach over and slowly open one eye to attempt to see the caller on my display. It was coming from my son’s mother’s house. Dam, I said to myself! I let it ring again and I quickly thought what if it’s Michael? Rarely a call from him, he is not allowed to, he has confessed to me, but when I pressed talk and I heard that sweet sounding melody that is his voice, I was suddenly awakened. “Daddy” tomorrow is heritage day, he says to me. Can you help me please? I heard his mom in the background yelling, “Don’t even get me involved I want nothing to do with this. What do you need Buddy? I asked. Well daddy you know the homework you and I did a couple of weeks ago about my heritage day and where you come from. Yes I said, but I thought you said you were going to give daddy a call before that and since you didn’t I thought maybe you decided to go with something else.(meaning his moms’ heritage) but I didn’t say that to him. Daddy can you bring me some of those Spanish sweets things I love; you know the ones grandma makes for me? Yes Buddy I said. I would do anything for my child.
I have never made what he was asking for (Tortas Fritas).
A traditional Spanish treat my Mom used to make for us my sister and my brothers when we were young. It was always a treat, they are flat bread made from a simple recipe deep-fried and sprinkled with sugar. Not the healthiest treat but loved by us all when we were kids. I searched and finally came up with one recipe I could work with .I found some simple ingredients in my cupboards enough to make some for his calss. Then drove to my parents, as I was sure they would have some things from the old country that would help with his presentation.
Was he ever happy when he was called to the office and saw me standing there with even more than he had asked for. When I picked him up after school, he was so joyous. He said his teacher told hem it was the best presentation and the best (Tortas Fritas) she had ever tasted, then he proudly told me the kids were fighting for the left over to take home. I beamed the brightest smile I was so proud of him and myself. I helped him and he said his teacher would have given him an A+ if they had planed to mark the presentation. However, no marks were given but he was so happy that she acknowledged all the hard wok his dad had done for him. It was the greatest feeling I have felt in months.
I would give my life for my son.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 4:36 PM
The car is totaled, unrepairable. My parents can't seem to catch a break.The car payments go on but now there is no car. Now is time to deal with the Insurance company , legalized mobsters they are. In the business to collect money but not to pay it out.His injuries are substantial. Might have some broken ribs and there appears to be some blood coagulation near the upper neck area the Doctor mentioned it might be a tumor that might have been exasperated due to the impact.
He is all bruised and in allot of pain.He is able to get around but yet can't drive and he finds himself short of breath frequently.I will keep you posted thank you for all your comments of concern.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 4:27 PM
Friday, May 11, 2007
On Wednesday I got a frantic call from one of my brothers, Dad has been in an accident! He said. Where is he? I asked. He is being loaded into an ambulance, was his answer. Shock waves of fear thundered through me. I feared the worst! Selfishly I have to admit I said to myself , my God I don't need anymore bad news in my life I just can not handle this stress. I dropped everything grabbed my keys put on my runners and darted out the door.
Traffic was heavy; rush hour is the worst possible time to be out on the road. What the hell was he doing out? I kept asking myself. I hope he didn’t have anything to drink, that was my greatest fear. My dad known for having more than his share more often than not, I just drove and I was stunned, I truly felt numbed, I was mortified by the possibility that he had caused the accident under the influence of alcohol. My brother calls me back on my mobile and asked where I was, I am five minutes away, I said.
Well they just took dad away; I feared the answer to my next question. Is he OK?
I don’t know I think so but I am not sure. As I arrived at the scene I could see allot of commotion, flashing lights police everywhere and the usual entourage of Tow trucks.
Disbelief is what I felt when I saw my dads car. A mangled wreck, the lady the hit him was standing by a police cruiser in tears. An older woman, a mother maybe even a grandmother i pondered , I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. However she was responsible for the unfortunate turn of events that had landed my father in the emergency room. She admitted through tears not seeing my dad as she made her left turn and rammed his car on the driver’s side. I noticed both her air bags had been deployed and her front end was in bad condition. My God! It will be a miracle if my dad survives this I thought. I took a closer look at my dad’s car and I just stood there in silence taking it all in. His whole driver’s side was caved in. They had to use the Jaws of Life to cut him out. Fuel and other vital fluids to the car where spilling out. Shattered glass every where, not a window was spared from the destruction. After the police took my name and number we quickly emptied my dad’s car of all his belongings. I know my father is famous for carrying all his personal banking information in the car and I didn’t want to risk anything being lost when they tow it away.We couldn't open the trunk as the fire department had cut all electrical system off in case of a fire igniting from the spilled petro.
We then rushed to the hospital’s emergency room. We were in constant contact with our other brother and he had reached the hospital before us. He found dad and called us back. He relayed to us that dad seemed OK but he was pretty bruised up and had actually passed out once. The hospital was concerned so they kept him there for observations. We were there nearly 10 hours, my mother in tears most of the night, I felt the stress all of us were under and the fear for dads well being.
He finally had some x-rays done and was cleared to go home. The doctor prescribed pain killers, muscle relaxants and suggested he see his family doctor the following day.
My father has survived two knee replacements, one hip replacement that most likely will need to be replaced again since it was done more than fifteen years ago. He has also gone through major reconstructive shoulder and bicep surgery. He has had a tough time through the years. Although my father has not been the greatest father a challenging upbringing I had to put it mildly. Nonetheless this was now a time of need and I have always risen to the occasion, whether it is a friend or family and at times even foe. I am a man of honor and a man with a good heart and will always help anyone that needs me as long as I live, give and the Lord shall give back I believe.
I am very proud of my younger brothers they were there in a hearts beat, my sister eventually agreed to come with me to the hospital, she is a caring person (but in her own way).Funny I think this is the first time the whole family has been together in one room where no body was yelling or cursing in probably years.
My father is shaken up, in allot of pain but he is a survivor. I thank God, for I truly believe a higher power was at his side. His car beyond repair and now they are faced with the daunting task of dealing with the insurance carrier.
(I like to call the legalized mafia).
Well his family came to his aid after all that is what family is all about!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 5:12 PM
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
I wish to go away.
Run from my problems and hide for a day.
Forget all my worries and leave them behind, forget they exit and freedom is mine.
Alone on a journey, a journey of hope, a trip full of wonder and not the end of a rope.
Peace is what I am after. Happiness ever after.
Depression my worst foe anxiety it has its hold.
That is what I fear and I fear it the most, is there no escape to a land with the most.
I fear for my family, I fear for my friends, I think of my problems, will they ever end.
I raise my cup and I make a toast, I have one drink and feel I want this,
I want this the most.
I dream of a land so far away, a land full of wonder and a land without hate. .
Is there such a place? Is there any hope?
I stay optimistic but I want one more smoke.
It is killing me, that I know, but I long for the drink and I long for the smoke.
I want to get away leave it behind, the pain the suffering but mostly the wine.
What a dream, a dream to be hold, a dream nonetheless, and a dream to be told.
I have not given up, but I have been close.
A window open another door closed.
The finish is near but uncertain it is, when I cross that line that had better be it.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 4:33 PM
Monday, May 7, 2007
I just close my eyes and your mine.
Our struggles are over
and we, have stopped time.
I just close my eyes ,you are in my arms, I can feel your moist lips, they are caressing mine. Your warm supple skin, the touch of your fingers, sends shivers down my spine.
I just close my eyes, yesterday is now, and you are still by my side , the scent of you lingers inter fused with mine. My love came too late, even after you were mine, but my soul was pure and my heart was kind .
I just close my eyes, and you are in my life ,for just one moment, one more moment in time.
I just close my eyes and you hold me, with all of your might, keeping me warm on a cold winters night.
I just close my eyes and my heart skips a beat, I dream, a dream , that I soon want to keep.
I Just close, my eyes and you are lying on my bed. In my day you are my light and in darkens you hold me tight.
If I never awake from this dream , I would dream for a lifetime , if that was my dream.
If I lay down to sleep, and never awake, my eternal life, I will be by your side.
I will watch over you from the heavens above, this dream, I wish, I wish to be mine!
I relinquish my life for a dream that your mine,
Just one last time I will close my eyes and I will hold you ,
I will hold you tight.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 5:54 PM
My parents, my father in his late sixties, my mother not far behind, my dad retired an earning a meager pension, my mother still working day and night,just to make ends meet.
Reality is setting in. No savings to speak of and other than the equity they have built up in the home they live in there is nothing. Still paying for a mortgage at their age is challenging at best. I offered to drive them yesterday to this retirement community my dad has been looking at for a while. A couple of hours driving in the countryside I thought, great way to spend an otherwise lonesome day by myself...
Disappointment in my mothers face was apparent. Disillusioned my dad was.
Facing the truth is always tough. Facing your mortality is even more.
A trailer park I thought. I remained optimistic and asked the sales woman allot of questions.
Not a word from either one, what do they expect, what do they want? I asked myself.
Realizing that even this venture would be too costly for them we drove back. Tears from my mom, silence from my dad, what a sad day it was! My heart went out to both. I feel it the most for my mom. I blame my dad for this mess they are in; he never gave a thought to their future, not learning from the past.
I feel the brunt of their frustration and their sorrow.
My mother so tired my dad seems frail I fear the worst.
I think about them day and night. I wonder, out of all my siblings if I am the only one that cares. I feel I am the one that hurts the most for them. The rest busy with family and friends. Myself here alone I just worry. What will become of them? I wish I could answer that. I hurt for them I hurt for their troubles. I am angered by my past and their lack of understanding for my youth. Nevertheless, they are still my parents, why don’t others care as I do ?
Is everyone just waiting for him or her to die?
Extreme it might sound, I feel like I feel .I see what I see. The truth is the truth.
What will become of them? God only knows.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 12:17 PM
Sunday, May 6, 2007
I had a terrible night's rest !
I might have slept perhaps three hours, maybe four.
I wanted to share a dream I had last night, I want to share it, well because I have never had a dream quite like it before. In my dream, I am an older man maybe ten fifteen years from now, it involved my ex wife and our son.
You see I have always had this vision a dream or more like a desire, I have always wanted to move away. Away from the hustle and bustle of the city life.Away from all the sorrow and dreariness’ that seems to be rampant in our surroundings, just leave it all behind and start a new life.A littl eplace out in the country , just like the one in the photo.
In my dream I had a friend or knew someone I am foggy on those details, in my dream I knew someone that had sold her ranch. It was an amazing place out in the countryside. Sprawling grounds, rolling hills of lash green. Enchanting and mesmerizing sunsets.
Beautiful! if I had to describe it in one word. The house was this big old Victorian farmhouse .Not part of what I wanted for my dream, but as you will read on although it was I dream I had ,it was not a dream I possessed.
In this dream my ex wife had become very successful, I mean she is now ,that is for sure , but in this dream she was extremely successful.
In my dream we were both older ,much older much more mature. Somehow, we crossed paths, something , some higher power had brought us together again. But still worlds apart.
I was in the kitchen of this house visiting my friend; we were talking about her recent sale of this property. She told me , the new buyer was on her way , and asked if I wanted to stay around to meet her. Sure , what‘s the harm in that? I said. Then I saw her! The mother of my child. It has been years, many years since I saw her last. She looked older much older, allot more lines to her face more gray than I remember. Life had been kind to her, but time had left her mark. She was not the young vibrant olive skin girl I knew a lifetime ago.
Nevertheless, for some reason that was all I saw, the young beautiful olive skin girl I was once in love with.
She walked in and noticed me, although shocked and somewhat startled by my presence, she looked somewhat pleased .
I too was agreeable with this turn of events. My son was grown up ! He always speaks of the day when he will live with me how he misses me and how he wants to spend his teenage years with me. In my dream that never took place. In my dream, he had distanced himself from me and had grown up with his mom. He seemed somewhat saddened.
I offered her a tour of the sprawling grounds, and she graciously accepted.
We did not speak much; we just kind of caught our eyes occasionally and just smiled. She said she had done very well financially and that is why she was buying this estate ! I looked at her and said , I knew you would always do well. I am very happy for you, than she smiled again.
We walked some more, not a word was spoken of the past or of the days gone by.
We came back to the grand entrance and gave each other a simple stare than we smiled at each other and walked away . We did not even say hello and we did not even say good-bye.
As I was leaving , a ranch, hand asked if I was the new owner, I chuckled. You see this place was too grandiose for me. I wanted the simple life.
This in no way by any stretch, was the simple life. A grand ballroom and a concert hall in a farmhouse were not my idea of a simple life.
I said no, the Lady over there is .You two are not together? He asked.
No I said, he wanted to know further , so he asked why? I had to think about it for a moment and had a very hard time coming up with an answer.
In another lifetime, back in the past, we were together and now simply we are not. However, that was a very long time ago I assured him. Then I suddenly realized in my dream, something that has eluded me for years and perhaps for years to come. In my dream, I had found forgiveness in my heart. I always believed in forgiveness .The undeniable difference in my dream was that I had found something ever more essential to life than forgiveness. I had forgotten! For a while, there when this man asked why we were not together, I actually had to think back, I mean it had been so, so many years. I had forgotten our troubled past and I had forgiven. Maybe, I tell myself I had realized full forgiveness. I guess forgetting would just be a natural process after that.
I woke up still tired and groggy somewhat dizzy.
I lay on my bed the clock was flashing twelve; there was a power out, last night I told myself. I looked around the room every thing was flashing.
I managed myself off the bed and reached for my wristwatch. Man I only slept four hours. Although somewhat disheartened at the fact that I had a very short night’s rest. I somehow felt “good” I felt at peace with myself. I hope one day , one day soon; I am able to find that level of forgiveness and reach that mountaintop of forgetting.
All I can remember about the end now , is that I wished her well and that she had earned this dream of mine that had somehow now become hers.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 1:15 AM
Saturday, May 5, 2007
My head pounds, my thoughts irrational, I feel the walls closing in on me.
I need help! I am so alone. My heart aches for comfort. My body is in pain, broken!
I feel, like a fine porcelain doll with a hairline fracture, worthless!
What am I to do? I cannot sleep I hate the daylight but the night skies frighten me.
I live in a house full of people, but they are all strangers to me. I am alone.
I feel such bleakness; I have isolated myself from all who knew me.
I now need them around, I feel detached, and confined .Solitude is a debilitating state of mind. I don’t know what to do. My life once fruitful and full of promises, it is now infested and decayed.
My head is pounding, exasperation followed by a forbearing wish to delight.
I cannot, I stop myself. I cannot let myself be happy. Content at the very least I should be. Blissful I am not.
My head still pounds those dammed fucking pills do nothing.
I have a migraine.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 1:13 PM
Friday, May 4, 2007
Four years of my life, I gave to you, forty-eight months, two hundred and eight weeks, one thousand and sixty days
I spent with you!
I will forever enshrine, preserve, and conserve the memory of our first night in Muskoka.
One of the most beautiful places on earth and yet I was in heaven. The day we spent around the Cottage, I cherish. The allurement of this sanctity is captivating to put it mildly. The fresh aromatic smell of the pines and the scent of freedom from the everyday city routine were unforgettable. Your encouragement for my visit to your most sacred place will never be abandoned.
Then the night arrived, we made our way to the dock by the lake. Candles a blanket and our warm embrace were all the necessary elements that we required for this memorable evening. I have never in my life have ever seen such a more astonishing and breathtaking night. The sky was as clear as glass and the stars perfectly aligned.
We lit the candles, huddled under your warm blanket, and held each other underneath this strikingly impressive sight. I heard the loons for the first time in my existence.
We laid there you and I, side by side. Just to think that a few months back I was living in chaos. This night I was lost in euphoria and I owe it all to you.
You took all the cares and all the worries away. You made me feel wanted and alive.
We talked and conversation was easy, we had only met a couple of weeks back. Yet I felt so close to you that evening, closer than I have felt next to anyone for many years.
We made love and it was wonderful. We laid there on the hard surface of your dock but I could not have been more comfortable in the finest hotels any were in the world...
Locked in a tight embrace we were, not wanting this moment to end we held each other even tighter. There we laid and counted shooting stars.
I did not want to let go and I did not want that night to end.
It will go down in the book of my life as one of the most memorable experiences I could ever have wished for,
Thank you, Thank you for all the wonderful memories.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 6:19 PM
You do not have to ask me again, I naively answered .After all, I have known him for almost half my life I never gave it a second thought. You see I have this job opportunity and I will, have a place to live, however, I just need somewhere to sleep for a few days, maybe a couple of weeks, he said.
Just pack your bags and come over, I said. He was living at his parents about two hours away from his hometown .He had moved away after his separation to deal with some personal issues. His kids live with their mother. He wanted to come home,I sensed.
I want to get my life back in order, you know, move back closer to the kids; try to make a go at it .No need to explain, we had not been in touch much throughout the years!
Nonetheless, he was still an old friend and friends are supposed to help friends, which I still believe...
Therefore, the couch is yours as long as you want it, I said. He gave me a hug and said you are truly a great friend I don’t know what I would do with out you , as his eyes filled “with tears of gratefulness’” I hope that if I were ever in the same position someone would do right by me as well, I said. Days went by; I suddenly realized he was not the same person I knew long ago.
I can still remember the twins they were about three. Drop by my place and I will go for a walk with you guys, I said .Every Saturday morning after their mother went to work they made their usual trip down to the lake to get some treats for them. I truly enjoyed this routine.
I was single and he was the only friend I knew that was married and had kids.
I truly embraced our friendship. I remember his reaction as I ran to one of the kids as he precariously made his way a little too close to the curb one time nervous and inexperienced I ran after him and grabbed him..
He smiled and said you will make a great Dad someday.
A friend in need is a friend indeed!
I never imagined how true that phrase would be.
Years later, I was married as well. Our friendship remained .He did not have a perfect marriage, hell I didn’t either, but he was a good father that I was sure of, but than came the dark days. He became a sick man! Afflicted with a debilitation disease,
A family member introduced him to a narcotic, I know this to be true, because this is what he told me and I have to believe what he said .Unfortunately, this particular anodyne was surely the catalyst to his demise , it got worse .I never imagined how bad it really got. The way he described the relentless grasp this monster had on him, the possession, and authority and dominance it had over him, had taken ownership of his body. He was now an addict! In addition, he was now at the mercy of this remorseless overruling hellion.
He described how he engaged in many confrontations with this heinous and abominable fiend. He demonstrated to me how he was fighting a battle of wits. I tried to fight it, so hard he admitted. However, this iniquitous barbarian had taken occupation over his mind and soul as well. Almost as if this evil force challenged his, will for survival, objecting to his demands to exit from his life. My God, I never thought it had reached this level of spartan-ism. I tried through the years to stay in touch. I would call, leave messages, just to say hello. I wish I could have done more, I would have had I known. Hope you are doing well, I would say. Never to hear back from him but I never judged him, after all who died and made me God! I had demons of my own, shit we probably all do; it’s whether we acknowledge them or not. He told tales of his frightfully painful journey into damnation. Still my devotion to helping a person in need was never swayed; it is embedded, deep into my soul. Judge me if you will, I will not judge you, I said!
Therefore, on my couch he slept. Night terrors he said. I heard you making awful noises last night, I cautiously admitted. Yea, I dream a lot about the boys and my ex, he would say. I know what you mean, I have many sleepless nights also, I confessed.However, I know it was more than night terrors
he was going through withdrawal!
I tried to help, but I soon recognized there was nothing more I could do. He was using again. The Demon had his claws sunk deep into his bones and was not going to let go without a fight! I am sorry, I said. There is nothing I can do for you, I declared. You have to get real help, all I can offer you is some food, and a couch and you need more than that.I let him get washed up , gave him some of my clothes that were about four sizes too big, as he held on to the trousers so they wouldn't fall to his knees, I suddenly felt ashamed and sad at the same time. Sad for my friend but ashamed for me, I was essentially kicking him out. What was I supposed to do, you tell me?
When I came home in the morning and you were supposed to be at your new place.
You made your way into my home with out my knowledge and violated my space.
You left me no other option.
I am sorry , truly sorry;
I do hope you are better now.
I will always be your friend!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 5:21 PM
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Busted flat in Baton Rouge.
A long country drive is good for the soul . Just get out of the city;
I do this occasionally, by myself, only because there is no one to share the ride with. I pull out an old CD, Janis Joplin’s greatest, skip to track five and I am instantly transported back in time.
Busted flat in Baton Rouge, waiting for a train and I feel as faded as my jeans.
Those words resonate through my mind like if the song was written for me.
Baton Rouge is right here, right now for me!
Faded I feel, actually more like transparent almost invisible.
I feel my foot heavy on the gas and I wonder ,has anyone ever felt this but me?
I listen to every word. Every word is telling me their story.
The sun is bright and I feel it burn through the windshield, windows down I feel a cold chill in the air. I stare at the road ahead into the horizon. I imagine this is the place, she sang about, I slip on my shades to cover my eyes from the blinding rays.
Once more, I feel the pedal sinking deep into the floor.
I turn up the volume a couple of notches, lean back and I am lost in time.
Freedom is just another word when there is nothing left to loose, but it aint nothing if it aint free. How true the price I have paid for freedom, the price we all pay for freedom. How can I even call this freedom, when I am such a prisoner of my past?
She let him slip away, she says. He is looking for a home and she hopes he finds it.
She took his love for granted and now he is lost.
Finding a home, my ultimate goal in life ,I believe.
Not just a home, but my home ! my quest continues.
She feels the pain, but wants the best for him.
Has anyone felt this for me?I ask myself.
She says she would trade all of her tomorrows for one single yesterday, to be holding Bobby’s body next to hers.
God! I have so many yesterdays I want back .I don’t have enough tomorrows to trade.I have felt this many times.
So many memories of my past overshadowed by darkness, but the few bright ones I would relive repeatedly if I had just one wish.
There is however one particular time, one day, a very special moment that will forever remain engraved in my mind.
I can see it as if I was staring at a still photo of that very moment.
I will not reveal it for I am afraid of it being lost if I do.
The only time I felt true love, the only time I felt warmth and the only time I felt needed.
As it was it lasted maybe minutes perhaps mere seconds, I don’t know for certain, but I do know what I felt !
I drove on and the song ended.
Reality is a cold reminder of the time we have lost.
I can’t bring back time, but if I could I would for that one instant of my life when I felt the ground bellow me drop and my body felt weightless.
Ironically enough I now know, that the feeling was not shared.
The love I felt was not reciprocated. I know it now, but for one little moment in time I felt it, real or not I felt it I wish I could feel it once more.
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 3:56 PM
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
It was not an easy decision to make, but it had to be done. I could not live with it any longer; my conscious would not allow it. Right or wrong, they are my parents. No matter what has transpired through out my challenging life, at the end of the day they are, my parents. Maybe they did the best they could. I try to convince myself. Maybe it was all they knew to do. After all, how can I neglect their sad and troubled upbringing?
My mother at the tender age of nine, was sent away to live with another family from time to time. As were her other sisters’ .She cooked and cleaned for them and in return, they offered safe shelter, but very little if any of monetary compensation. I do not blame my grandma for this, I know now she had little choice. My mother and her siblings did not know it then, but this heart wrenching decision from my grandmother, assured their survival. Both my parents’ victims them selves, victims of failed marriages and broken homes. My mother herself witnessed and suffered physical and mental abuse from the hands of many adult males including her uncle. Her mother frail and ill did the best she could for her children in order to survive. I recently discovered that my grandmother convinced my grandfather to allow her and her children to live in a shack adjacent to his new family on their property. She was trying to keep the family together, I thought.
No! I was absolutely assured. It was for the love of her life . Her unconditional devotion to my grandfather ,blinded this beautiful woman to do the unthinkable. She and her children alone in a shack, while the only love she had ever known lay in bed with another.
She died shortly after that in her early forties. I have, heard she died from asthma; my guess is she died from a broken heart. I remember vaguely the wake. I was only about four or five year’s young. My grandma lay there sound asleep, I thought.
What else could I think; I think I may have even called for her to awake, but sound asleep she remained. A child I was. If I had been aware of the sad reality of life and death, I would have kissed her gently on her angelic forehead and said
good-bye. Instead, off to play I went. Grandma, I am no longer five, but I am sorry grandma and as I look up now, high into the heavens, catch this kiss I blow to you. I have no doubt that is where you are, after all, that is the perfect place for angels like you!
I did not go to my other grandmas funeral, I think now I understand why, to you grandma I also send a kiss I love you both!
I was on the road and near mom and dads’ house, so I made the call on my mobile. I had not dialed this number for quite sometime, but thanks to modern technology, all I needed to do was simply scroll down to the listing of Mom and Dad. Hello, said a frail and weak voice. If I closed my eyes I could almost imagine this old frail and ailing woman, that is how she sounded and it tore my chest apart.
A difficult task it was, a hand on the wheel, my mobile in the other with out her noticing, I managed to clear my throat and dry my eyes. How are you? I asked. I am OK she said, just simply OK I thought.
A moment of silence and then she asked, how are you? OK, I said. My back has been bothering me quite a bit lately, more than usual, I confided. That was all she needed to know.
She did not need to know what had transpired in the past forty-eight hours. The most severe depression I have felt in the longest time. I think she heard it in my voice, Mothers intuition I suppose. She knew I was not well. You should have called me! I would have brought you some home made vegetable soup! She candidly admitted.
My mother, coming to my rescue, I imagined for a moment I was a child once more. Coming to my aid as she did when I was young, her soft and magical kisses on my scraped knee. Her warm and tender hugs that made all the bad go away. As I wipe the tears that have now traveled down my cheeks to the corners of my mouth, I could taste the bitterness and the sweetness of my life. I clear my throat once more and try to regain my composure. She eventually convinced me to drop by for some of her soup. Little did she realize that I needed no convincing at all.
My life, it has not been easy to put it mildly. However, life nonetheless, this woman has given me and for that, I thank her.
Throughout my adolescent years and most of my adult life, my mother has been a source of sadness and depression. She has suffered greatly, I never knew it before, but I do now.
My father, on the other hand, he has been more like a pressure cooker of frustration and anxiety, ready to blow without the slightest warning. This potentially lethal concoction has simmered inside of me, at times to the point of spilling over.
My parents' that is, what they are. I did not choose them and they did not choose me.
God willed us to be a family. I am not a hateful man nor am I, a spiteful man. I am also not a forgetful man; however, I am a forgiving man.
Therefore, I hold my head up high and say, thank you mom.
Thank you for picking me up when I had fallen. Thank you for your magical kisses. Thank you for your gentle embrace. Thank you for giving me life!
I love you!
Posted by Anyday any above ground is a good day at 9:23 AM