MY LIFE IN MY OWN WORDS

 The little orange wonder and my little blue pill . I lay here every night . When sleep comes hard I reach out for another .my cocktail for the evening . My mind won’t rest my eyes are heavy and my heart is pounding against my chest . And I wait for the sandman that seems to never come . Some nights Im at the point of feeling intoxicated . Severe morning headaches . My nightly routine . I wish I desire , I  dream of a night of sleep . 

 My hearth aches my soul is dark my dreams shattered . Oh I had known how hard how heart wrenching and complicated it would be with life and loves betrayal and pure anguish . I would have crawled back into to comfort of my mothers womb because no one prepared me for this !  

 New Year’s Eve came and went , alone again . No friends no family around and my son somewhere on someone’s couch I’m sure . I have tried emailing him and no reply . I do wish the best for humanity but I ask God to take one second out of his very busy schedule just to watch over and make sure he has a warm bed and a full belly . It’s all I think about twenty four hours a day , seven days a week . People still ask and sometimes I even wonder myself . Why ? Why do I worry and lose so much sleep over him . Because I say , because he is my son . All the best to you my son . 

  It’s almost the end of 2020 and you should look forward to changing your life make a better man of yourself but most important  It  It’s almost the end of 2020 and you should look forward to changing your life make a better man of yourself but most important a better human being .   I think about when you were born and I cried as I held you in my arms . Then I thing about 15 years later when you came to live with me and we were supposed to spend our first Christmas together . Then I remember how  I cried all night again . You left said you would be back soon . You never came back that night . I waited up till about 5 in the morning . I tried calling your friends and drove all over town looking for you . That night I packed up all the presents I have picked out for you and there were many , enough to fell a large black garbage bag . I wanted to just toss them away but I didn’t . I took down the tree the same evening and erased every Christmas memory from  night .  After that it was a

   CHRISTMASS 2020 Almost 22 years ago I held him in my arms and cried , I cried and cried .  I was  overwhelmed with joy. Tonight it's Christmas  eve and now I cry again. I wish I could put into words the pain I feel . The heartache the sorrow. I wish I knew where my son was and that he is safe and in a warm bed and a full belly. I wish also he would get help for the substance abuse , for his anger for his violent outbursts . I Wish I could forget the damaged walls and destruction . I wish I could forget the mental anguish the hateful words , the bruises on my body. All that and more , too much pain to forget. But I wish I could for one moment forget all that . To hold him in my arms to tell him I love him to tell him , to tell him that I will always love him. But it's Christmas eve in the middle of this pandemic and  I have no idea where he is. It's Christmas eve and no presents under my tree ! 

 My pandemic  My sons mental health my sons numerous encounters with police . My sons physical and mental abuse towards me . My son living on the streets . This has been my pandemic for the last ten year of my life .  Edit: Just recently found out he’s been arrested facing up to a year in jail . My heart is broken in a million pieces . This is my pandemic . Covid is a fraction of my suffering .

I forgive you  because I love you , I forgive you because you are my blood . That I can do but I can not forget the anguish , the sleepless nights , the hate you inflicted upon me . I did what I could as a single dad for all these years and still was never enough . My biggest fear and I live with this 24/7 is the next time I get a nock  on the door and there have been many . But I live with the fear that it will be the last !

MY HEART ACHES My heart aches my body is weak and my spirit broken. So many lies , so many dreams vanished . You say you love me , can’t live without me . Where was that love when I needed it the most ? I gave you my life and you threw it away like yesterday’s trash . 

What is love ?  Love is when you miss someone even though you just saw them . Love is when when you can't get the smile on their face out of your mind . Love is when you are down and that person brings you up . Love is when you think about that person when you fall asleep and when you wake. Love is when you are having the worst day and that person says I love you and all your problems go away . Love is when when you touch that person and you feel it in every bone in your body. Love is when you kiss that person and you wish that kiss would never end . Love is when your heart races at just the idea of looking into each others eyes . Love is when you are running late and that person patiently waits . Love is when someone asks why do you love me and you don't even have to think about an answer . These are just some of the reasons as to what I think love is  . And there are so many more ...

Depression . How do I describe it ? Well I'll tell you what it means to me . When I think about it I guess I've been dealing with it probably since I was about ten or so . Maybe even earlier than that . Starting from when I was sexually abused by a family friend  , that's probably my first recollection of the start of it . It was only once but it certainly left a scar . I'm not even sure how old I was maybe seven or eight? I can't really recall . I do remember however the feeling of guilt and shame . The next time I can recall feeling depressed , was when my family moved to Canada from South America . I can recall the deep sadness in my uncles eyes my mothers brother whom I loved so dearly and always looked up to . He was crying and hugging me saying goodbye , I was just ten but I can remember the overwhelming feeling of sorrow . Confused and afraid because I didn't fully grasp that I may never see this man ever again . Then after what seemed an eternal fl

It's been a long time since I last wrote . I have sat in front of the computer countless times and either didn't have the courage or could not find the right words . Not that I didn't have anything to say , on the contrary there is so much that has happened in the past few years . So much that it's a bit overwhelming . I'm perplexed with thoughts and emotions . I've had a troubled and turbulent life , but I have to be honest and tell you that the last few years have been the most stressful and the most painful of all. Let me take you back . To a time perhaps of weakness or maybe vulnerability , I found myself l with the mother of my son . The woman that caused me so much pain was now the person I embraced. After a rekindled romance I once again fell victim to my fantasy. My illusion of what I thought happiness meant. To be with and part of a family once again. It all started as most relationships do , however it was all short lived . As the saying goes , the h

A perfect world ... People look and people judge . It's human nature to be curios . But people judge simply because they don't understand . Who are they to question one persons love for another ? It's easy to be cruel it's much harder to be kind . If people would just look at their own lives first and try to fix what's broken there . Maybe then they wouldn't be so focussed on the happiness of others . They judge because they don't understand . They wonder why , how ? How can one man love another ? I guess at one time I also questioned it . But always kept an open mind . Now I know !  Love really has no boundaries . Love is love and the heart wants what the heart wants ! I wish I could make people understand , family friends . But why , why should I care ? Some days I do other days I don't . But I do wish for a world where everyone is accepted equally regardless of race gender or sexual orientation . But a world such as this is no

Lonely days sleepless nights. Thoughts running through my mind. How I missed you , how I longed for you. Many tears , would fill an ocean . Eyes red and face tired . God how I loved you! I know those days are gone and still I cry , I cry in silence . Desperate pleas . I pray and I beg our dear Lord . I ask time and time again ,why can't she love me ? Why ,won't she love ? No longer needed I feel . Time did not stand still for you . you lived life and you loved another .But my love did not waiver . My heart still in pain . I have reached out , I have said and done all I can . Still you don't love me . Time you say , time is all you need , you say it's too soon . Years and years have gone , I am feeling old and not looking younger . So many years wasted. I would give twenty years to get the last ten back if I could only share them with you .

Night time I loathe and despise thee. Why do you torment me so ? You tease me with heavy eyes and tired bones . I lay my head and you won't let me rest . What have I done ? what have I done ,for you to torment me this way ? My little blue pill does nothing more than taunt me . My dreams haunt me . I feel disparity , I feel abstracted from reality . The feeling of desperation and the desire to live, both are in a bitter struggle . I recall the nights I wished for the man in the dark robe to just take me , take me so I can finally rest . Please Lord I beg you , please help me. I wish so much for life . I wish so much for just one night of rest . I pray to be forgiven , I have been forsaken. If I have committed such a crime , to warrant this punishment that you deem just . Please I beg , absolve me . Release me ! I beg for reprieve , exonerate this sentence for I rather face my executioner than another night of unrest !

Are you able to look back at your life , ever think back to a time when your heart was broken? I can. I can think of a time a place a day and a moment frozen in time. it felt as thought someone reached into my chest cavity ,with bare hands it was torn open . My heart was taken and ripped to shreds. I can still feel the pain . God how it hurts. They say time heals all wounds , I say not true! Some wounds can never heal. My pain will not heal not until my heart stops beating and even then I question it. I sometimes believe that I am doomed damned if you will. A life sentence for the crimes I have committed. What crimes you ask? I wish I could tell you . I figure I must have done something wrong to upset the higher powers . I must have been a terrible person in a past life . I have been afflicted by pain and sorrow most of my adult life. I haven't slept a full night in years. I recently visited my Doctor and renewed my prescription. I haven't taken and sleep aids for many years

What did you want me to do ? Should I have given you my blessings ?  Should I have been happy ? Happy for what ? Because you no longer cared ? Because you no longer loved me ? Yet you ask why ? Why did I do what I did , why was I so cruel ? Why why why ? I hated you for what you did to me ! I hated you for not loving me . But it's all a distant memory to me now . And yet you still ask why. How many times I wished for the courage to put a bullet in my brain . How many times I wanted no more . How many nights I pray the lord my soul to take . Yet you still ask why . Why ? I don't know why . I hated you and the world . I hated my self because I still loved you as well .  It's all in the past I have told myself . Now  I live my life for today and try not to cry for yesterday .  The tears still come and at times I don't know why .  Why do I love you so ? Why did my heart not let go ?  Six feet underground I still won't know . Why why why !

Your love is  a drug , I need it I desire it I devour it. My body aches for your touch , my heart deep with emotion, I give you all my devotion. The blood boils in my veins , I can't stand the pain for your love holds the reins. Your love is my high , it's  my drug of choice. My mind it won't rest, longs the sound of your voice. My heart is a prisoner of this love that I seek, I stand tall I am strong . Why do I feel so weak? This drug is my blight, this drug feels so right , this drug brings me comfort ,brings me joy, in the solace of night. Your body I desire your love I require , I long for the taste when we love not in haste. Intertwined with emotion with our body's in motion. This drug that I take is the love that we make. This drug is so strong , this drug can't be wrong. It's the drug that I long and my love now you own !

Across the floor she looked at me , my body captured I couldn’t flee.   She called for me and my life was bright , I never will , forget that night.   Her touch so tender, her warm caress , I fell for her I will confess.   Her stance demands attention , her strength was my affection.   Enthralled I was to see , this lovely girl, she was for me.   Exuding confidence , assuring style . Yet knowing all the while.   This night was not to last , the future though, it now was cast.   The next few nights I couldn't wait , the call from her I hesitate.   The next few years I will remember , the joyous moments I hold so tender.   When future comes and life is gone , my thoughts of you will still live on.   My love is yours and your to hold , just think of me when you are cold.   I don't know when , I don't know how , but I promise then I promised now.   My spirit will , watch over you . And now after all these years I wish I had never taken that turn on the road that led to my life

Love absolute , it's the stuff that fairy tales are made of , or is it ? It is difficult to comprehend how an individual may feel this way about another . When you love without question there are no need for answers . I like to think of love as a triangle . A triangle made up of three elements , honesty , respect and understanding . If just one of these elements is missing it's impossible to move forward . Trust is earned but easily lost . Understanding comes from having an open mind and a great deal of patience . Respect comes from the heart , the love you feel for another metamorphoses into respect . These I believe are key elements and the basis for all successful relationships . How then do so many relationships fail ? Seems so easy to just walk away from conflict . When entering a relationship you must have faith and a bit of hope . When you enter into a loving committed partnership , you need to detach yourself from the statistical data's . You can not give your

How do you forget the past? How do you let go of the hurt? How can I stop the pain? I long for days gone by. Days when dreams we shared . Days when future plans included more than one. How can I feel so much love and feel so much pain. The tears come without warning.You have so much anger towards me till this day. I have fought so hard to forget.I know I can't just pretend but I also know , I can't go through this again! God I have dreamed of the moment when my lips feel yours. When my hand caresses your skin.When our bodies entwined into one.How I have dreamed of the moment when you whisper , I love you . My heart fails to control it's rhythm every time my eyes set on yours.You fail to see , to see the love , the deep and utter admiration. You fail to see , to see my adoration , the adulation the affection the allegiance! you do not see how my heart melts how my belly aches how my eyes fill with the tears of joy. You just can not see me at all. You look at me and see t