Pushed over the edge.

Depression .

How do I describe it ? Well I'll tell you what it means to me .

When I think about it I guess I've been dealing with it probably since I was about ten or so . Maybe even earlier than that . Starting from when I was sexually abused by a family friend  , that's probably my first recollection of the start of it . It was only once but it certainly left a scar . I'm not even sure how old I was maybe seven or eight? I can't really recall . I do remember however the feeling of guilt and shame . The next time I can recall feeling depressed , was when my family moved to Canada from South America . I can recall the deep sadness in my uncles eyes my mothers brother whom I loved so dearly and always looked up to . He was crying and hugging me saying goodbye , I was just ten but I can remember the overwhelming feeling of sorrow . Confused and afraid because I didn't fully grasp that I may never see this man ever again . Then after what seemed an eternal flight we landed . February 29 , 1976 . A new world ! A life filled with hope and much dispar . Not speaking one single word of this strange language I felt lost isolated and again so afraid . The cold was unbearable . We all cramped together on cots provided by another uncle that was already living here and by his dreadful alcoholic wife . She made our very short time living with them an utter nightmare . I recall my mom sobbing wishing we'd never come here . Luckily I had the comfort of my older sister.

Only one year older than I but to me she was always my big sister . I remember one cold day mom dad big sister and I left the house and just walked . I could hear the desperation in my mothers voice . Dad was a big strong  man but even he couldn't hold back his sadness as the tears filled his eyes . I took it all in and didn't let on how unhappy I was . I didn't want to ad to they feeling of letting us down . After all they also left family and friends behind having to say goodbye to many for ever . The language was a struggle so schooling suffered . Both my sister and I did not graduate . We never really fit in . Years past and as we made this new land our home , we tried our best to fit in . Mom and dad worked day and night . Sister and I hardly saw them through our teenage years . Then mom got pregnant unexpectedly they told us . Nine months later the twins were born . I adored my brothers ! My sister although loved them to death was feeling somewhat neglected . She left school at an early age to stay home and help take care of the twins . I have always felt bad for her . She gave up so much of her youth to help raise the new addition to our family . In turn she herself ended up having children at a very young age and moving out of the family home . I was angry with her and her now husband . I wouldn't speak to him for a long time . He took my big sister away from me . Myself I didn't have many friends till my early twenties . Well I use the word friends very loosely of course . What they really were was an excuse to drink and party !

Seemed like every weekend of my early to later twenties were spend drinking at one club or another . Everyone saw me as this wild and crazy party guy that could dance and attract lots of girls . What they didn't see was the nights I would go home and cry . So many people around all of a sudden and yet felt so alone . The alcohol was a temporary bandaid to my deep depression . Sadness was all around me . 

Then in my late twenties I met the mother of my son . It was a chance meeting . It wasn't meant to be I don't think !

My buddy and I were coming home from midweek clubbing bored and tired I begged to go home . He being the alcohol fuelled person that he was , insisted we stop at yet another bar before he dropped me off .

It was there that I met her . The anchor of my torment . Eight years of misery and unhappiness , mental and physical  abuse . Five years into this tumultuous relationship our son was born . It wasn't an easy time to say the least . We struggled to get pregnant . After many treatments and a surgical we were finally  able to conceive . I recall not wanting to have children , hell I recall not even wanting to get married but yet somehow her will always prevailed . I guess I'm just not as strong as she ever was or is till this very day .

Eight years into this sham of a marriage I discovered her infidelity . I later found out it had been going on for about two years . It was around that time that I finally had a breakdown . I ended up in the physic ward in two espérate occasions . One true moment stands out in my mind . Crying uncontrollably and deep into the demon I remember a nurse talking to another saying , oh my god he's so sad !

I will never forget that because it was at that moment that I realized how depressed I was .

You see most people are able to hide it , put in a mask if you will . It's not something people can see it's not something you can touch . The worst of all for me was when people would say snap out of it , get over it my ex used to say , be a man !

That's what truly hurts for me the most . Now years later after many years of living with this on and off I can actually see when the beast is coming . I can feel it's desire I'm the feed to his hunger . I will not sit here and lie and tell you that I'm cured because I'm not . I don't think I ever will be . But I can now recognize it when it's trying to grasp me with its evil hands . I still have moments now that I am 53 when I feel sadness and disparity but at least I can now recognize the monster and at least try to deal with it before it sinks its teeth into me .