THE END

 Every story has a beginning and an end . Tonight was the end of ours . A love story of sorts . I remember when people would say , you guys make such a good couple . You guys are perfect for each other . You guys are this you guys are that . I remember it all . I can give you back all your belongings , I can delete all our photos . I can’t however erase the memories in my head . Good and bad but memories non the less . We hugged , I cried and as per usual between the tears I did all the talking . You said sorry more times than I could count . 

I asked why ? Why did you wait almost four years to tell me that you don’t see a future together ?

If I’m to blame for anything at all than blame me for giving you too much . I payed your bills when we met . I payed for your school . I payed for all our trips . I helped you get your shop going . I’m even paying ( still ) for your health benefits .

All you could say was I’m sorry . How can you be sorry if you don’t even know what you are sorry for ? 

I want to be angry with you , I want to tell you to fuck off and tell you I hate you for what you’ve done . But I can’t ;( that’s just not who I am . I have never lied to you and if I told you now that I hate you that would be the first lie so I won’t .

I couldn’t even watch you leave my car . My eyes hurt my heart aches my body is sore . I’m tired , I’m tired of this life . I did nothing wrong , you even admitted to that fact . I pray for you , I wish you nothing but the best . I also wish one day that you find what you are looking for . I want you to look back and remember how much this old man loved you . How I would have given my life for you . I hope one day you find someone that will love you unconditionally as I did and still do. 

By far this past week has been  the hardest on me . I’m not strong like you . I don’t mean in a physical sense , I mean emotionally I’m weak , very weak . I’ve already taken a sedative to calm me down and I just got home . Haven’t even had dinner yet and it’s closing in on 10pm .

Every story has and end , I thought ours would be the exception the never ending story . Our story has ended , my hope has faded the light is dimming and my will to go on is slowly dying . 

The end ;(

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The end is near

 I thought I could forget , I thought I could forgive . But I cry almost daily , tears don’t always show but I cry , my heart cries . My heart bleeds my heart  aches . I’m reaching for more pills everyday . The thoughts are coming back . I see no light at the end anymore . I wish every night not to wake up . I welcome my end . I welcome peace in my mind . I wish I could make you understand what you did . At the worst time of my life , you took it all away . My hope  my happiness , my will to survive . You have destroyed me mentally and physically and have shattered me emotionally .I can’t do this much longer . I’m all alone I’m so lonely and no one would care . So why do I keep bothering to wake up in the morning ? I welcome the night , I welcome darkness . I welcome my end and I welcome eternal rest I’m so fucking  tired of being alive.
Read more

Pushed over the edge.

Image
Here I sit late at night my meds kicking in almost time for bed but time yet for one more smoke. What a hellish day I had, how do I always let people talk me into doing things I don’t want? Three fucking hours in bumper-to-bumper trafic. Metal, plastic and the smell of burning rubber in what must have seemed like 40 Celsius. Two screaming kids in the back and my anxiety medication was not doing it today after popping four Advil’s for my migraine that wasn’t cutting it either. All I could think about , between the screaming kids and the never-ending traffic. How badly I wanted to pull my car over to the shoulder to a screeching halt step out light a smoke and walk away from it all forever. The job search the uncertainty its all coming to a head if the kids hadn’t been in the car I would have driven into the first tree I could find. I don’t know, man what a fucked up day three hours just to sit on a dirty windy beach crowded with masses of common people like hoards of cattle. I despised
Read more

My son is being released from prison

 I’m torn about this dilema . I’m being advised not to let him into my life . He has caused so much pain and heartache . But he is my son nonetheless and I feel this parental  ( responsibility ) to be there for him . I’m in touch with him on a regular basis . But I’m sad every time he calls . This is not my son . The child I cherished and protected when he was little .  The child I tended to when he was ill . He sounds like  a stranger to me now . He speaks different and acts different . But I feel this parental need desire or guilt what ever it is . I feel I need to help him and be there for him .  Pray for me and pray for him . I don’t know what the future has in stored for him or myself . God I just wish he would wake up and see his ways are no way to live and will only lead him to this awful place again . Honestly I don’t think I can do this again . 
Read more