Sunday

 I’m not having a good day . Last night was very difficult . I had to take a couple extra sleeping pills just to unravel my thoughts . I don’t know what time I fell asleep but I remember my eyes filled with tears . The phone call from him didn’t help . I hadn’t heard from him all week , said he was too busy at the shop all week . I asked if he was working 24/7 because surely you must have had a minute to spare for me ?

I don’t know what I was expecting , maybe just a glimpse of hope . Just a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel I’m in .

But nothing , he barely spoke and I was just rambling , saying whatever came to mind just to keep him on the phone . I asked him when exactly did you stop loving me , how , why? He had no answer .

How much can one man do ? All I ever did was love him and cared for him . I gave him my life !

I’m sad and angry and confused . I asked him , what else could I have done ? What could I have done different ? Again no answer .

I know he’s not ready to leave home and I’m aware of his culture . I never asked him to leave his family or come out to them or anyone else for that matter . I just wanted to know when did it all change ? We used to talk about our future . Planning where we would live , even the type of home we would share . It filled my heart with love and hope and happiness . Every time he talked about growing old together it brought me so much joy . I always told him how happy I was that God had brought us together . I used to tell him , before we met my biggest fear was growing old alone and no one to look after me . We used to joke , I’ll take care of you now that you are young and you take care of me when I’m old . I guess I’m just going to have to accept the fact that alone I will be , that is if I live that long . 

From the moment I woke up I was in tears . I’m so depressed I don’t even know what to do anymore .

As I’m writing this I can hear the train that goes by my house. I’m not going to lie , the thought has crossed my mind .

I was talking to a counsellor a few weeks  back and she asked me  , when you have these thoughts what keep you going , what keeps you wanting to live ?

My parents I said . They are in their 80s and they worry about me daily . My mother specially , we’ve always been so close . She knows and she’s concerned . Honestly ? If my parents were not around I would have joined them in heaven a long time ago if there is such a place . 


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