MY LIFE IN MY OWN WORDS

  It’s almost the end of 2020 and you should look forward to changing your life make a better man of yourself but most important  It  It’s almost the end of 2020 and you should look forward to changing your life make a better man of yourself but most important a better human being .   I think about when you were born and I cried as I held you in my arms . Then I thing about 15 years later when you came to live with me and we were supposed to spend our first Christmas together . Then I remember how  I cried all night again . You left said you would be back soon . You never came back that night . I waited up till about 5 in the morning . I tried calling your friends and drove all over town looking for you . That night I packed up all the presents I have picked out for you and there were many , enough to fell a large black garbage bag . I wanted to just toss them away but I didn’t . I took down the tree the same evening and erased every Christmas memory from  night .  After that it was a

   CHRISTMASS 2020 Almost 22 years ago I held him in my arms and cried , I cried and cried .  I was  overwhelmed with joy. Tonight it's Christmas  eve and now I cry again. I wish I could put into words the pain I feel . The heartache the sorrow. I wish I knew where my son was and that he is safe and in a warm bed and a full belly. I wish also he would get help for the substance abuse , for his anger for his violent outbursts . I Wish I could forget the damaged walls and destruction . I wish I could forget the mental anguish the hateful words , the bruises on my body. All that and more , too much pain to forget. But I wish I could for one moment forget all that . To hold him in my arms to tell him I love him to tell him , to tell him that I will always love him. But it's Christmas eve in the middle of this pandemic and  I have no idea where he is. It's Christmas eve and no presents under my tree ! 

 My pandemic  My sons mental health my sons numerous encounters with police . My sons physical and mental abuse towards me . My son living on the streets . This has been my pandemic for the last ten year of my life .  Edit: Just recently found out he’s been arrested facing up to a year in jail . My heart is broken in a million pieces . This is my pandemic . Covid is a fraction of my suffering .