MY LIFE IN MY OWN WORDS

My head is heavy and my heart is sad. I hold in my anger , I try to bottle it up but I am afraid .I fear when it reaches it's boiling point it will blow without warning or control. My life is like a volcano , laying dormant for a long time , bubbling inside and temperatures rising. I have felt the tremors many times I feel the pressure , my head feels like it will blow at any second.I fear for the outcome . I fight day and night to keep it under control. I pray for guidance and strength, it is all I can do....

I am so confused so afraid and feel so uncertain about my future.I want to move on ,I just want to live on , I just want to go on with my life and breathe with out gasping .I feel like there is a brick wall in front of me , my arms stretched out wide and my hand firmly on it. I have been pushing against this wall in a futile attempt to regain the convition of my life.I see the drag marks on the ground and the callouses on my skin. Yet I feel like this wall has not even budged an inch.This is the wall of my past and it is heavy. Heavy with the burden of sorrow and pain love gained love lost betrayal anguish and hate , I see anger and mistrust , I see all the graffiti on this wall, it is all the color of blood.I am tired of pushing this wall . I question myself ,am I pushing it or is it pushing me? What's holding me back? I wish I knew...

1. Marital disloyalty; adultery. 2. Unfaithfulness; disloyalty. 3. Lack of religious faith, esp. Christian faith. 4. A breach of trust or a disloyal act; transgression. The dictionary’s explanation of infidelity .Resent survey shows that 80% of couples will experience infidelity at some point of their relationship. Divorce at its all time high, some surveys suggests any where between 55% an up to 70%. A staggering statistic and a frightening one at best . Why are we not able to be loyal to each other? Some will argue it is in our jeans, our genetic make up. They say humans were not genetically designed to be monogamous, humans were designed to only copulate. The only reason for our meager existence is procreation. What ever happened to Love? I have been in love before; Will it work will we fail?These are questions I hear people ask themselves , I do not know I try not to think about these things anymore. I believe if you are lucky enough to fall in love, then you must enjoy the moment...

I am sorry Daddy, he said as he stepped out of my car. I was dropping him off at his mom’s house access weekend had ended. For what buddy? I asked. I am sorry for what I did today, looking into my eyes and touching my very soul. The look of worry and sadness in his eyes, I love you buddy, and Daddy has already forgotten what you did, me too he said as if somehow relieved that it was not such an issue that I would remember. Assured now that Wednesday will come and Daddy will still be there for him he smiled and hugged me tight. Truth is I had forgotten. Clean your room I said, you have to pick up your toys, I reminded him, finish your breakfast so you can grow big and strong. I played out the day in my head and could not quite remember why this gentle little boy with angelic eyes , why he would have cause to apologize. I guess going through all the hurdles that life has carefully placed in front of my life race to the finish, in the process I have learned not to hold grudges but mostly ...