Full circle

 I haven’t written anything in a while , I just haven’t had the strength . It’s now late May 2024 and I have come complete circle from two years ago . My partner has left me again . He claims I’m competing with his family . I ask , how am I competing with them when they see you six days a week and I see you one ? If anything they are competing with me I said !

Basically he broke up with me through text messaging and email . After almost seven years he didn’t even have the decency to at least speak to me about it in person or on the phone  . 

I’m going through a mix of emotions .

First there was confusion . Then sadness . Then a great deal of anger . First I was angry with him and then I was angry with myself . I’m angry with him for lying and betraying my trust . I’m angry with myself for allowing him to do do it . I tend to think more with my heart and less with my head . Now I cry almost everyday . I’m fighting the demons , I’m feeling desperate , I’m staring deep into the rabbit  hole . I’m fighting myself everyday not to fall into a deep state of depression . My meds are running low . I’m finding myself drinking more and started to smoke again . A friend of mine said , what ever you do don’t let him win . But he’s already won . He’s moved on and I’m left  to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart . To be honest it’s beyond shattered , it’s black and blue and bruised . I’m not sure this time I can ever heal again . 

The pain in my heart , the redness in my eyes , the weakness in my voice , the feeling of loss . Is something I struggle with daily. I’ll never understand how someone can love you one minute and hate you the next .

My mom says I have a big heart , I’m always there for everyone . She says God will one day come to my aid . So far there’s been no sign of this God and my faith and hope are slowly fading away . I’m a broken man with a broken soul and a shattered heart . Love is forever , he said he would love me until his last breath , but we are both still breathing .

Myself I’m not so sure for how long !

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