MY LIFE IN MY OWN WORDS

 You came into my life at my worst moment . Like a knight in shining armour . My heart was broken and you filled it with hope . Just when I was about to give up all together , you rescued me from the clutches of my pain .  You gave me a reason to live a reason to laugh a reason to hope and a reason to love again . I thought to myself  . Where has this man been all my life ?  A life full of dispar and heartache . You gave me a reason to wake up in the morning . No longer did I wish for an endless sleep . No longer did I pray for death to come in the middle of the night . You had awaken my desire to love again . But then you let me down and you broke me again . My knight in shining armour was no more . Now I sit and cry , my eyes are dark and sore , my heart aches . My body aches my head hurts and my spirit is broken . You held the light of hope and now that flame has burned out . I’m lost again , I’m alone again . I fear now to go to sleep . I fear that I might not wake . I gave you all

 I haven’t written anything in a while , I just haven’t had the strength . It’s now late May 2024 and I have come complete circle from two years ago . My partner has left me again . He claims I’m competing with his family . I ask , how am I competing with them when they see you six days a week and I see you one ? If anything they are competing with me I said ! Basically he broke up with me through text messaging and email . After almost seven years he didn’t even have the decency to at least speak to me about it in person or on the phone  .  I’m going through a mix of emotions . First there was confusion . Then sadness . Then a great deal of anger . First I was angry with him and then I was angry with myself . I’m angry with him for lying and betraying my trust . I’m angry with myself for allowing him to do do it . I tend to think more with my heart and less with my head . Now I cry almost everyday . I’m fighting the demons , I’m feeling desperate , I’m staring deep into the rabbit  ho

 I thought I could forget , I thought I could forgive . But I cry almost daily , tears don’t always show but I cry , my heart cries . My heart bleeds my heart  aches . I’m reaching for more pills everyday . The thoughts are coming back . I see no light at the end anymore . I wish every night not to wake up . I welcome my end . I welcome peace in my mind . I wish I could make you understand what you did . At the worst time of my life , you took it all away . My hope  my happiness , my will to survive . You have destroyed me mentally and physically and have shattered me emotionally .I can’t do this much longer . I’m all alone I’m so lonely and no one would care . So why do I keep bothering to wake up in the morning ? I welcome the night , I welcome darkness . I welcome my end and I welcome eternal rest I’m so fucking  tired of being alive.

 Last couple of days have been hard . Went out with a friend last night and had to come home early , couldn’t get you out of my mind . Went to bed thinking about you , dreamt all night about you . It’s now eight am and I have been laying in the bed for over an hour just thinking about you . I can’t bring myself to get up and face another day without you in my life . I know this will take time . I know one day I’ll move on maybe even forget some . But all I know  is that now I feel the pain of losing you twenty fours hours a day . I wish I could close my eyes and another five years have gone by . I don’t know how or when but I wish that day come fast .  I still love you so much and I can’t forget your face your smile your smell . I hope you are doing well and finally found the happiness I apparently couldn’t give you . 

 Every story has a beginning and an end . Tonight was the end of ours . A love story of sorts . I remember when people would say , you guys make such a good couple . You guys are perfect for each other . You guys are this you guys are that . I remember it all . I can give you back all your belongings , I can delete all our photos . I can’t however erase the memories in my head . Good and bad but memories non the less . We hugged , I cried and as per usual between the tears I did all the talking . You said sorry more times than I could count .  I asked why ? Why did you wait almost four years to tell me that you don’t see a future together ? If I’m to blame for anything at all than blame me for giving you too much . I payed your bills when we met . I payed for your school . I payed for all our trips . I helped you get your shop going . I’m even paying ( still ) for your health benefits . All you could say was I’m sorry . How can you be sorry if you don’t even know what you are sorry for

 I’m not having a good day . Last night was very difficult . I had to take a couple extra sleeping pills just to unravel my thoughts . I don’t know what time I fell asleep but I remember my eyes filled with tears . The phone call from him didn’t help . I hadn’t heard from him all week , said he was too busy at the shop all week . I asked if he was working 24/7 because surely you must have had a minute to spare for me ? I don’t know what I was expecting , maybe just a glimpse of hope . Just a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel I’m in . But nothing , he barely spoke and I was just rambling , saying whatever came to mind just to keep him on the phone . I asked him when exactly did you stop loving me , how , why? He had no answer . How much can one man do ? All I ever did was love him and cared for him . I gave him my life ! I’m sad and angry and confused . I asked him , what else could I have done ? What could I have done different ? Again no answer . I know he’s not ready to leav

 About a month ago that’s exactly what I said to myself . Depression rearing it’s ugly head again the beast was back . The struggle was just too much to bear . The day , the week , the month had not gone well . It was becoming obvious to me I was about to hit the wall . The pain in my chest was ominous . I knew it , the train was coming but I could not get off the tracks . I just wanted to sleep it off . Or maybe I just didn’t want to wake up  again . My usual dose didn’t cut it , my head spinning out of control . One more pill I told myself , just one more and I’ll just sleep it off . I’ve had this feeling before . This time however the thought of not waking up was actually satisfying in some way . One more pill I told myself again and again and again . I honestly lost count and as a drifted into nothingness , I was praying it would be enough to end my suffering . I don’t think I was trying to end my life but at the same time I welcomed the outcome . Needles to say my sorrow continued