Pushed over the edge.
Here I sit late at night my meds kicking in almost time for bed but time yet for one more smoke. What a hellish day I had, how do I always let people talk me into doing things I don’t want? Three fucking hours in bumper-to-bumper trafic. Metal, plastic and the smell of burning rubber in what must have seemed like 40 Celsius.
Two screaming kids in the back and my anxiety medication was not doing it today after popping four Advil’s for my migraine that wasn’t cutting it either. All I could think about , between the screaming kids and the never-ending traffic. How badly I wanted to pull my car over to the shoulder to a screeching halt step out light a smoke and walk away from it all forever. The job search the uncertainty its all coming to a head if the kids hadn’t been in the car I would have driven into the first tree I could find. I don’t know, man what a fucked up day three hours just to sit on a dirty windy beach crowded with masses of common people like hoards of cattle. I despised them all today. Thinking about it now sends chills down my spine, but earlier all I wanted to do , was escape this madness,find a ledge or run away forever and slowly fade out into nowhere.
(Who knows I just might).
HANG IN THERE...I was in a similar state for different reasons myself last week.....made it through another week now...here's hoping that even if things don't get better that they won't get worse.
ReplyDeletedude, i feel your pain...at least i imagined all the anxiety you described in vivid detail...i recommend smoking as much weed as possible, and if you get talked into doing something, then just don't do it as long as it won't get you fired...fuck all the aggressive people who push you into doing shit you didn't want to in the first place...let them suffer the responsibility of having picked the wrong person, why should you shoulder all the burden, you have your own sanity and family to worry about...so what if you tarnish your reputation just a smidge, in the long run it won't make a noticeable difference, and people may stop bugging you so you can get some much-deserved peace and quiet...if you're gonna be a broken man, then be full-on broken, no limits, that's what i say...why keep agonizing just so others can sleep well at night...i stopped striving to please everybody a long time ago and even though it has its down sides (such as everyone thinks i'm batty and unreliable and they've all pretty much written me off), at least i don't get constantly badgered...and deep inside, i still know i'm capable, which is all that matters anyway...even though i'm losing that belief too, but who the fuck cares anyway if i'm not being all i can be for society, it's not like a single soul shows any appreciation for whatever limited value i offer anyway...so why even be of value, my efforts are a joke and even when they're decent every once in a long while, they don't pay any dividends and just result in more frustration anyway...
ReplyDeleteAll you can do is what you can manage - for a day - I could have written this post, I have been there - you took the messy emotions/ feelings of desperation and despair and put them in a brilliantly written post about what life is on the darkest days.
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