A beautuful spring day.

Depressed and saddened I lay on the couch this beautiful sun filled day. Early spring yet it feels like the death of winter in my heart .Covered in sweat I lay and fell into a semiconscious sleep .There I lay , the CD ended while in my comatose state .I could hear the heartache in the songs and felt comforted by them .Day mares are the worst for me. I am used to the night terrors. I expect them; it is a part of my nightly ritual. I sometimes wake with screams of terror or tears of despair . I have become accustomed to it, a small price to pay the Sandman for the luxury of a couple of hours of rest. I pay a heavy toll for the temporary ceasing of my dreary days. The day mares, oh Jesus, .the day mares, they are more like an irruption of anxiety, an encroachment of my rights to heal. I lay there, aware of every sound experiencing all the torment, al the abomination that has been my life. I wake my self and feel lethargic, drowsy and debilitated .As I look around I see daylight, I try to right myself. I find it difficult to breathe, I try to make some cense of the experience, I just had, but I cannot. God I feel such sorrow such torment.
I wipe the tears from my eyes and eventually regain my composure. I sit, and I stare. I see people walking by, children playing ,couples holding hands. I sit and I stare.
Why do I feel such pain, why am I afflicted by this? I sit and just stare.
I used to look forward to these spring days, the flowers that bloom , the birds and their enchanting songs .Nothing matters any more , I sit and I wonder where I will be this time next year , if I had known a year earlier where I would be today, I would not be here writing these words or feeling this pain.