MY LIFE IN MY OWN WORDS

There is much much pain that time could not erase. Some wounds are much too deep. But not a day goes by I don't think of you. The day the nights and all the monents in beteween. My hearts bleads , my soul empty. But what am I to do? I am not sure anymore . I know you will read this and I know you will think of me. And I know I will wake up tomorrow once again with no one to hold. No one to embrace and once again only one cup of coffee will brew. But the thought the smell the tase of you is forever ingraved in my mind your touch still fresh on my skin, your kiss still soft on my lips. I wanted you to know that I have not forgotten all the good times and all you taugh and enlightened me with. Memories, you always said hold on to your memories and I have! Te amo ,always and for ever, take care and God bless.

Today I heard two co workers talk about their kids. One who happens to be a good buddy of mine was telling the other co worker that he is glad his son is big now and he doesn't have to pick him up or carry him around. I know his son and he is but only 8 years young. my son is 10 and I still pick him up when he wants to be picked up , I still kiss and hug him and tell him I love him every chance I get, when I lay on the couch he jumps on me and we lay down together and watch TV. I still read to him at night and sometimes he falls asleep next me and I later tuck him in his bed. I treasure all these moments because I know how fast time passes by us, only to one day ask, where did the years go? I love my son and there is nothing I won't do for him, I would give my life for him with out a thought. I wish all fathers and mothers would stop for one moment step back and make time for their kids. Children grow up too fast these days and there is very little time for them to be kids. I w

Well another weekend has come and gone, 5 pm Sunday came too quick once again.That is the time I drop my son off at his grandparents. His mom was supposed to be there to pick him up but of course she wasn't there. I am not sure if she was even going to be there to pick him up or maybe he might stay there over night. According to the agreement he has to be there by 5pm, so not much else I can do.We went to see the new Disney movie "UP" what a wonderful film.Not you typical Disney movie, my son actually cried on the way home when we talked about the movie and some of the more tender moments in it. What else did we do? well we also went to the flea market , he was looking to trade some of his older video games for a very popular Pokemon game, no luck. He was so happy when a boy and his dad inquired about an old hand held system they had for sale and were told it would cost 40 dollars! The look on his face , you see the day before we visited some garage sales and we purchased

Guy what are you doing? I can see she is so into you and all you intend on doing is to eventually hurt her as well. Let her go now, don't do this to her man! I should be so lucky to find someone like her. The way she smiles the way her eyes light up. When I saw her reach out to hold your hand and you walked away I wanted to run up to her and offer mine. When I saw her put her head on your shoulder and put her hand in yours I hated you for that ,I hated you for what you are about to do. God I wish I was sitting in your place.I wanted to hold her and kiss her and whisper in her ear , all the while I knew this was not the way that things would be . Destiny has betrayed me once again, and in such a cruel way reminded me that perhaps this is still a part of my punishment for the man I once was.This will never be mine. I miss the feeling of being loved, I miss the warmth and tenderness I once took for granted. Man, I have been such a fool.Is it possible to love someone at first glance?

Man you really did a number on me this time around. No matter how I try and God knows I have tried, I just can't get you out of my mind. I can't sleep , I can't think , I can't function.I am so fucking pissed ! Why do you do this to me? I am sure you are now back in his arms and once again I am left to figure out what this was all about and left to try and rebuild once again the little bit of a life I had left after you deserted me the last time. I hate you for what you have done! I wish I could fall asleep and forget you , I wish I could just erase you, I wish I wish but I can't , I can't and I blame you for this pain and anger I feel deep inside my body . My blood boils and my fists are clenched. I HOPE YOU CAN SLEEP, CAUSE I CAN'T!

You come in and out of my life like a thief in the night. There is no room in your world for someone such as me. Yet you reach out to me in time of need perhaps even loneliness. I too am a person with heart , flesh and blood , I also hurt I also cry. I can not and will not let you do this to me AGAIN! I can't I won't be a part of your mad existence and fantasy that you have created for your self.I am not your fall guy. I am not the fool I once was. Good luck to you and God bless.

Dad calls me to tell me mom is driving him crazy. Mom calls me in tears to tell me she is thinking of leaving dad. My sister calls me complaining about one brother , the other brother complains to me about the other. One of my best friends calls me to tell me his wife doesn't love him and they are getting a divorce. My other friend wants to drown his sorrow with a bottle.Mom says out of all her kids I am the only one she can talk to, my friends say the same. I ask this one question , who is then left for me to call? I am surrounded by family and friends and yet I feel so alone.Where is my shoulder to cry on, where is my confidant. I guess that is my burden , my cross. I have always been a good listener , I have always cared about others and their difficulties. All I ask for is that just one I would like to be able to speak and be heard.

Surprise surprise. Wow man I should have known ! I let my guard down again and you came in with both barrels blasting at me.I welcomed you back into my home , my life my heart. Now you go back to your old ways. I was never first on your list and now I come to the conclusion that I was possibly never even on it.Before you decide to mess up some one's life again take a moment to take stock of your own . Try to figure out what it is that drives you to come in and out of my life. You disrupt my world turn my nights upside down. STOP and look both ways before you cross my street again.

To say, that I am disappointed would be a great understatement. I truly don't know the word for what I feel at this moment.I have always said, ours was a friendship of convenience. I merely filled a temporary void in your life. I often said to your dismay and denial, that once someone else fills this emptiness, you would have no further use for my existence in your life.When I needed you the most you were no where in sight . I reached a point were I felt I was alone, overworked and overwhelmed with life ,I needed your friendship but instead you discarded me like yesterdays trash. I will never profess to my being perfect. I can however, whole heartily and without prejudice say that I am a man that can truly be counted and depended upon. I have always been there for you and yours without question nor malice. Four long and lonely months have gone by and now you find your self looking to once again fill this void and you come to me "old dependable". After our conversation la

You said you'd call , you didn't.It's OK I still love you , how can I not? One day you will learn it all , you may not understand it all but you will know it all. But yet I still wait hoping you haven't forgotten . Perhaps you're busy with life friends and more. I understand , still I wait.The days are long since you've been gone. The time we've missed , I wish we could have back.I will wait and I will wait and I will wait. To me you could do no wrong! Good night....

You can complain all you want, I won't stop listening. You may be right, the winters are long and cold and there is too much time to reflect on life. I think it may be more than just the winter doldrums though. For me it's the acknowledgment of my own mortality. I will be 44 years young next month and I can't help but think of my life, past present and future. My life has certainly been one miscalculation after another. I may have been some what delusional to think that things would have taken a different turn. When I reflect on my past I now know the course had been entrenched and there would be no wavering. The stones were laid and the path was set and certain. The winter is cold yes, but lonely without question. I live for the days when my son visits (God ten years ago I never thought I would ever say , when my son visits) however this is the path that this story has taken me on and I must endure the torment in order to complete the cycle and fulfill my destiny , what ev

Man,will it ever end? It's been almost seven years since my separation, nine if you count the last two years of torment and utter horror . It never ceases to amaze me how she thinks the world revolves around her. She uses my son as an excuse to accomplish her goals. God sees all , the day of reckoning will soon come ! I am not holly man nor am I righteous man , but I know that I am a good man , I don't live my life for others to fear. I will hold the door open for a stranger , I won't look the other way if someone requires aid. It baffles me , the idea, that a human being can live life for the sole purpose of self gratification.It is such a short existence for us on this planet and to think that some can live only to make others miserable astonishes me and strikes me with fear. God bless!

Its difficult surrendering to the night.I sit here and stare out into the darkness , the abyss , the night sky. It's been unusually cold lately . The voice on the radio is my only companion .I struggle with the darkness , I fear for what is to come. Faint lights in the distance , from up here I can imagine what every one of them sees.Love , hope, sorrow , joy . I know there is loneliness out there .Man it's cold tonight.It's late and my alarm will wake me out of my sleep by five am . My duvet drapes my body ,the down hugs me gently. I cocoon myself in my thoughts.The man on the radio says there is a cold weather alert "no fucking kidding"Pack it in and do it all over again tomorrow, JOY!

Some friend you are! Fuck you would think that maybe you could for one night turn your fucking cell phone off. You come over under the pretense of wanting to catch up on old times. You lecture me on how I need to get out and meet people (women). You say you are happy with all your female friends, they know where you stand your upfront with them, they are aware you are not interested in a relationship. Man I never heard more garbage from anyone else in my life. Your phone rings but before you pick up you tell me to be quiet? Get a grip on reality. Your insight on my supposed state of dysphoria leaves me to wonder about your own state of mind. You say I am lonely and yet you need to encompass yourself with artificial consorts. You call them friends. I much rather be alone and lonely as you put it then need to feel wanted by people who don’t even exist. I am lonely yes at times, who isn’t? For the most part I am content with my life. Only thing I am truly lacking is a companion a confidan

And so it ends and so it begins. One more year year older, more gray thinning hair and another hangover. Just me my parents my ungrateful brother and his new girlfriend and new baby( not his first ) but first one with this one. Yes a night to remember , I wish I could just forget. I should have stayed home . Only reason I didn't is cause I was afraid of being alone. I guess I went cause they asked , or was it cause no one else asked? any way it was OK lots to eat and drink but not much else. I think for the first time in a long one I was actually lonely . Maybe it was the idea that I had no one special to say goodbye to the old year with and no one to celebrate the new with.I can't wait to see what this year has in store for me , oh wait , yes I can!

Ever have a life altering experience? A moment when time stands still and you think about your life and your existence. A wake up call if you will, or a slap in the face not sure which yet. I had one of those moments tonight. Man what the hell am I doing? I ask myself over and over . Our actions not only affect us , but greatly also those around us .Those that care and love us ,although these days they are few, nonetheless still important.Time for a change I tell myself . I stop for a moment " Déjà vu " Fuck didn't I say these very words to myself not too long ago? Then why the hell am I still on this fucked up ride? The nearest exit I am off!

My friends, or so called friends, where were you when I needed you? haven't I always been there for you ? Someone once told me my biggest downfall is I do too much for others. I never thought I would ever agree with that statement , unfortunately I am starting to believe that person might have been right. I recently found myself in great need of help. Tremendously overworked and overwhelmed with my current situation and yet not a one came to my aid.I even confronted two of them , two people that I have helped and done so much for through the years. Their response was to attack me and blame me for not asking for help. I guess I thought that the fact that they knew I was doing all of this on my own and the fact that I have given so much of myself to them and to their families , I thought that would have been enough to inspire them to acknowledge our friendships. I guess I was wrong.My friends what would I do with out you? Probably, I would do much better! Thank you.

I woke up in a cold sweat. My god it was just a dream , my heart races my head spins my vision not clear . For a moment she was mine. In my arms once again like she used to be.A deep desire for the unattainable. The mother of my son, how can a woman so beautiful be so cruel? I ask my self why after all this time after all the pain she has caused , why I can still dream of her this way? I know ,I no longer love her but I guess there is still a part of me that still longs for days gone by. So many years past so many lives altered. My heart still aches , not for her, but rather for love. For the warmth and desire , for the touch and for the smile that greets you at the door. A smile can warm the heart on the coldest ,most brutal winter's day.Anger sets in , sorrow to follow. This too will pass , this is not the first time I have felt like this . I believe I know what destiny has in store for me . Many sleepless nights in my past, surely this one won't be the last. Well I keep tell

The phone rang, I answered it. Hello! Dan? I am moving. WHERE, WHEN, WHY? I yelled I cried I cursed. You have stolen the best years of my son’s life from me and now you are taking him away from me completely. I have done and given everything a father should. My heart aches and my skin crawls, I am beside myself. This desperate feeling I have felt before. Why is there no peace in my life? I ask the lord above (I get no answer). A long painful and costly battle ensues. My son I will still get to see just not as frequent as I did before. My son you will always be On this earth or in the earth beneath your feet Your Father I will always be In the heavens above or in the hells below A Father I will always be! The one sure thing no one can take from me.

Clonazepam and Imovane! They  are to be my only recourse to an otherwise long agonizing  sleepless night. I am so dependent  on them that I won't leave the house without them no matter where I go. They have become a part of who I am what ever I am they are my true friends . Both pills in my mouth and a downing of a large glass of water then sit an wait for my world to spin. The problem is that my world is spinning less everyday, my Dr says I have become used to them .  I fear I may have become addicted to them. I won't sleep thinking I may run short on my supply. No longer can I time how long it will take from when I swallow till I am safely asleep in my bed." A DRINK "is what I need I tell myself, then another than another. But the drink is not my friend . Eventually I manage to get some rest but only to wake up with blood shot eyes and mayor dark bags under my eyes. I have never been one to sleep much , but how I long for the days of my youth when all it took was a