MY LIFE IN MY OWN WORDS

Are you able to look back at your life , ever think back to a time when your heart was broken? I can. I can think of a time a place a day and a moment frozen in time. it felt as thought someone reached into my chest cavity ,with bare hands it was torn open . My heart was taken and ripped to shreds. I can still feel the pain . God how it hurts. They say time heals all wounds , I say not true! Some wounds can never heal. My pain will not heal not until my heart stops beating and even then I question it. I sometimes believe that I am doomed damned if you will. A life sentence for the crimes I have committed. What crimes you ask? I wish I could tell you . I figure I must have done something wrong to upset the higher powers . I must have been a terrible person in a past life . I have been afflicted by pain and sorrow most of my adult life. I haven't slept a full night in years. I recently visited my Doctor and renewed my prescription. I haven't taken and sleep aids for many years

What did you want me to do ? Should I have given you my blessings ?  Should I have been happy ? Happy for what ? Because you no longer cared ? Because you no longer loved me ? Yet you ask why ? Why did I do what I did , why was I so cruel ? Why why why ? I hated you for what you did to me ! I hated you for not loving me . But it's all a distant memory to me now . And yet you still ask why. How many times I wished for the courage to put a bullet in my brain . How many times I wanted no more . How many nights I pray the lord my soul to take . Yet you still ask why . Why ? I don't know why . I hated you and the world . I hated my self because I still loved you as well .  It's all in the past I have told myself . Now  I live my life for today and try not to cry for yesterday .  The tears still come and at times I don't know why .  Why do I love you so ? Why did my heart not let go ?  Six feet underground I still won't know . Why why why !

Your love is  a drug , I need it I desire it I devour it. My body aches for your touch , my heart deep with emotion, I give you all my devotion. The blood boils in my veins , I can't stand the pain for your love holds the reins. Your love is my high , it's  my drug of choice. My mind it won't rest, longs the sound of your voice. My heart is a prisoner of this love that I seek, I stand tall I am strong . Why do I feel so weak? This drug is my blight, this drug feels so right , this drug brings me comfort ,brings me joy, in the solace of night. Your body I desire your love I require , I long for the taste when we love not in haste. Intertwined with emotion with our body's in motion. This drug that I take is the love that we make. This drug is so strong , this drug can't be wrong. It's the drug that I long and my love now you own !

Across the floor she looked at me , my body captured I couldn’t flee.   She called for me and my life was bright , I never will , forget that night.   Her touch so tender, her warm caress , I fell for her I will confess.   Her stance demands attention , her strength was my affection.   Enthralled I was to see , this lovely girl, she was for me.   Exuding confidence , assuring style . Yet knowing all the while.   This night was not to last , the future though, it now was cast.   The next few nights I couldn't wait , the call from her I hesitate.   The next few years I will remember , the joyous moments I hold so tender.   When future comes and life is gone , my thoughts of you will still live on.   My love is yours and your to hold , just think of me when you are cold.   I don't know when , I don't know how , but I promise then I promised now.   My spirit will , watch over you . And now after all these years I wish I had never taken that turn on the road that led to my life

Love absolute , it's the stuff that fairy tales are made of , or is it ? It is difficult to comprehend how an individual may feel this way about another . When you love without question there are no need for answers . I like to think of love as a triangle . A triangle made up of three elements , honesty , respect and understanding . If just one of these elements is missing it's impossible to move forward . Trust is earned but easily lost . Understanding comes from having an open mind and a great deal of patience . Respect comes from the heart , the love you feel for another metamorphoses into respect . These I believe are key elements and the basis for all successful relationships . How then do so many relationships fail ? Seems so easy to just walk away from conflict . When entering a relationship you must have faith and a bit of hope . When you enter into a loving committed partnership , you need to detach yourself from the statistical data's . You can not give your

How do you forget the past? How do you let go of the hurt? How can I stop the pain? I long for days gone by. Days when dreams we shared . Days when future plans included more than one. How can I feel so much love and feel so much pain. The tears come without warning.You have so much anger towards me till this day. I have fought so hard to forget.I know I can't just pretend but I also know , I can't go through this again! God I have dreamed of the moment when my lips feel yours. When my hand caresses your skin.When our bodies entwined into one.How I have dreamed of the moment when you whisper , I love you . My heart fails to control it's rhythm every time my eyes set on yours.You fail to see , to see the love , the deep and utter admiration. You fail to see , to see my adoration , the adulation the affection the allegiance! you do not see how my heart melts how my belly aches how my eyes fill with the tears of joy. You just can not see me at all. You look at me and see t

Under cover of dark in my subconscious mind , I lived in a world that was left far behind. When I dream of what was and what isn't today . I look at you now and I pray you will stay . Seems so hard that you will , ever trust in me now . I would give you my word ,I just don't know how . You no longer need me nor require my essence , many times did I wish God would just make his presence. I felt pain I felt sorrow and at times did I think there's no hope for tomorrow . When you left and my life ,it just fell apart, I still feel the pain of the scars here in my heart . Once the sky was so blue but now constantly grey, I drop down on my knee and I pray, pray pray pray. I can promise you love , forgiveness and pleasure . Protect you respect you , your love always I'll treasure . Please don't be my judge , or my jury today . For my heart's filled with love it will not ever stray . How I longed your embrace or a smile on your face . Just a simple hello , not a d

How I wish I could hold you and feel the warmth of your smile. And I can’t help but wonder did I dream all the while. How I longed for your touch and the air you respire. I was sure the forgotten and my love not required. Now my heart it is broken for the words that I’ve spoken. Though forgiveness is futile I will still say I’m sorry. When my body is ashes and my son tells the story. In my eyes he was perfect for her love he would worry. In the depths of his sorrows or the strength of his glory.

The ache that I feel is the shame that I carry. Though my love was for real you will always be weary. I can’t change what the past was of the future you worry. You may never forgive me and my heart it feels heavy. You were all that I wanted but I only neglected. In my eyes you’re the child that I always protected. Now my eyes they are filled, with the tears that I cry. And can’t help but wonder , why why why ?

You are the moon in my night You are the shine to my light You are the strength to my might. - You are the air that I breathe You are the blood that I bleed You are the love that I heed. - You are my left to my right You are the fight to my blight You are the words that I write. - You are the one I adore You are the one I want more You are the one evermore. - You are the song to my choir You are the one I require THE ONLY ONE I DESIRE ! I love you ........ -

I dream of a dream , I dream in a way, I dream of a dream and for ever you'll stay. I dream of a place so far away, where my heart is fulfilled and my love does not stray. I dream of a time when your love was so real, I dream of a life when you held me so dear. I dream of the past and the future unclear, I dream of a dream and I still have you near. I dream and I pray for your love to be here,I dream and I hope for a love I won't fear. I dream of a dream where my heart does not ache, I dream and I pray for the Lord my soul take. I dream of a dream where my eyes do not cry, my head knows the truth but my heart knows not why. I dream of a dream , of the love that I feel, a love without question with devotion so clear. I dream of a dream and your love I reclaim, I dream of a dream when you call I out my name.

FOR ALL THESE REASONS AND MORE, I LOVE YOU. When I hear your name, my heart skips a beat. When I hear you speak, you make me feel weak. When I see your face, I can’t look away. When I see you smile, I’m a child at play. When I look in your eyes, I see what I had. When you walk away, I feel nothing but sad. When I look in my heart I see no one but you. When I look in my soul I see love ever true. When I lay down to sleep in my dreams you will play, I pray and I pray that for ever you’ll stay. If it’s only in dreams that your mine for the take, than I pray to the Lord may I never awake!

What else is there ? I have a great job , a great house , a nice car good friends and family. Yet I still long , I still search and for what? Why am I still so unhappy? Sadness is in my heart , pain takes over .Time goes by . I see my parents getting old , I see my son growing up becoming a young adult. I see my life slipping away , I feel like crying but the tears won't come. What is the meaning? what is the point? I work day and night for all I have . I work day and night to provide for my son. I have it all people say , I wish I had what you have people say. I wish I was more like you people say. All the while I am thinking I would give it all up if I could , if I could just figure out what I would give it all for! God has a plan I keep telling myself. God will show me the way I keep telling myself. I just wish God would give me a hint a clue a sign. Anything , anything before another gray hair before another wrinkle before another sleepless night!

Remember when we used to dream? Remember when we were in love? Recently although indirectly, you came into my life. I loved you for so long and for long after that I hated you. You will never know the impact you had in my life. You are now happy and with your own life. I hated you for what you did but most of all I hated you for what you made me become. Someone close to you and I contacted me recently and although at first I was happy I now wish she hadn't! You broke my heart, the pain I felt for so long I will never forget. The tears I cried, the sleepless nights, the sorrow I felt can not be described. I will never forget you or what you did; ironically I can never forget how much I loved you. I would have killed for you; I would have died for you. I would stare out my window towards yours in the hope you would see me and somehow we would be able to pick up where we left off. Dreams don’t come true I know that now. I wish I could tell you what I felt for so long, how m

Wow I can't believe I am 46 , I mean I don't feel like I am . Truth be told I feel much older at times. Constantly I am told I look younger. I used to believe it but now I think people just say that cause they feel that is what you want to hear. I spent the evening with my son the best gift I could ever receive. He is back at home with his mom and I am about to go to bed alone. Another year older and another year alone.The older I get the harder it seems to be alone.But what do I do about it? I know I can't be with anyone for reasons known only by my closest.I could never replace what is lost nor could I ever regain what is gone. The years go by and the lines on my face more prominent.My parents have aged and I am not far behind.Another year older , no candles no cake no balloons.

Well not sure why I've been away. I thought it was because I had nothing to say. I realize now that it's mainly because I had too much to say and wasn't sure what to write about first. So much has happened since my last visit here.I moved to a new home. Well not a brand new home but new to me.It's a small town like I wanted . A small house like I wanted. New faces and new places like I wanted. So why do I still feel this void? I am alone 95 percent of the time. My son visits every second weekend. However his mom claims she was sick last weekend and did not bring him to see me. It will be a month before I see him again. My cat is lost again and for a few weeks I was dog sitting my parents puppy while they were on vacation but he is now back at their house. So now my son is not here , the dam cat is missing again and the puppy is gone. I live in a small two bedroom house and yet it feels so empty. There are times when I treasure my time alone. But there are times when I l

I will never let you do this to me again , the words you said last night still resonate in my ears. Go ahead and move you said, go on with your life you told me. I will ,I will go on. I will go on be happy and never let you or anyone do this to me again. Good luck to you I say...

There is much much pain that time could not erase. Some wounds are much too deep. But not a day goes by I don't think of you. The day the nights and all the monents in beteween. My hearts bleads , my soul empty. But what am I to do? I am not sure anymore . I know you will read this and I know you will think of me. And I know I will wake up tomorrow once again with no one to hold. No one to embrace and once again only one cup of coffee will brew. But the thought the smell the tase of you is forever ingraved in my mind your touch still fresh on my skin, your kiss still soft on my lips. I wanted you to know that I have not forgotten all the good times and all you taugh and enlightened me with. Memories, you always said hold on to your memories and I have! Te amo ,always and for ever, take care and God bless.

Today I heard two co workers talk about their kids. One who happens to be a good buddy of mine was telling the other co worker that he is glad his son is big now and he doesn't have to pick him up or carry him around. I know his son and he is but only 8 years young. my son is 10 and I still pick him up when he wants to be picked up , I still kiss and hug him and tell him I love him every chance I get, when I lay on the couch he jumps on me and we lay down together and watch TV. I still read to him at night and sometimes he falls asleep next me and I later tuck him in his bed. I treasure all these moments because I know how fast time passes by us, only to one day ask, where did the years go? I love my son and there is nothing I won't do for him, I would give my life for him with out a thought. I wish all fathers and mothers would stop for one moment step back and make time for their kids. Children grow up too fast these days and there is very little time for them to be kids. I w

Well another weekend has come and gone, 5 pm Sunday came too quick once again.That is the time I drop my son off at his grandparents. His mom was supposed to be there to pick him up but of course she wasn't there. I am not sure if she was even going to be there to pick him up or maybe he might stay there over night. According to the agreement he has to be there by 5pm, so not much else I can do.We went to see the new Disney movie "UP" what a wonderful film.Not you typical Disney movie, my son actually cried on the way home when we talked about the movie and some of the more tender moments in it. What else did we do? well we also went to the flea market , he was looking to trade some of his older video games for a very popular Pokemon game, no luck. He was so happy when a boy and his dad inquired about an old hand held system they had for sale and were told it would cost 40 dollars! The look on his face , you see the day before we visited some garage sales and we purchased