MY LIFE IN MY OWN WORDS

I forgive you  because I love you , I forgive you because you are my blood . That I can do but I can not forget the anguish , the sleepless nights , the hate you inflicted upon me . I did what I could as a single dad for all these years and still was never enough . My biggest fear and I live with this 24/7 is the next time I get a nock  on the door and there have been many . But I live with the fear that it will be the last !

MY HEART ACHES My heart aches my body is weak and my spirit broken. So many lies , so many dreams vanished . You say you love me , can’t live without me . Where was that love when I needed it the most ? I gave you my life and you threw it away like yesterday’s trash . 

What is love ?  Love is when you miss someone even though you just saw them . Love is when when you can't get the smile on their face out of your mind . Love is when you are down and that person brings you up . Love is when you think about that person when you fall asleep and when you wake. Love is when you are having the worst day and that person says I love you and all your problems go away . Love is when when you touch that person and you feel it in every bone in your body. Love is when you kiss that person and you wish that kiss would never end . Love is when your heart races at just the idea of looking into each others eyes . Love is when you are running late and that person patiently waits . Love is when someone asks why do you love me and you don't even have to think about an answer . These are just some of the reasons as to what I think love is  . And there are so many more ...

Depression . How do I describe it ? Well I'll tell you what it means to me . When I think about it I guess I've been dealing with it probably since I was about ten or so . Maybe even earlier than that . Starting from when I was sexually abused by a family friend  , that's probably my first recollection of the start of it . It was only once but it certainly left a scar . I'm not even sure how old I was maybe seven or eight? I can't really recall . I do remember however the feeling of guilt and shame . The next time I can recall feeling depressed , was when my family moved to Canada from South America . I can recall the deep sadness in my uncles eyes my mothers brother whom I loved so dearly and always looked up to . He was crying and hugging me saying goodbye , I was just ten but I can remember the overwhelming feeling of sorrow . Confused and afraid because I didn't fully grasp that I may never see this man ever again . Then after what seemed an eternal fl

It's been a long time since I last wrote . I have sat in front of the computer countless times and either didn't have the courage or could not find the right words . Not that I didn't have anything to say , on the contrary there is so much that has happened in the past few years . So much that it's a bit overwhelming . I'm perplexed with thoughts and emotions . I've had a troubled and turbulent life , but I have to be honest and tell you that the last few years have been the most stressful and the most painful of all. Let me take you back . To a time perhaps of weakness or maybe vulnerability , I found myself l with the mother of my son . The woman that caused me so much pain was now the person I embraced. After a rekindled romance I once again fell victim to my fantasy. My illusion of what I thought happiness meant. To be with and part of a family once again. It all started as most relationships do , however it was all short lived . As the saying goes , the h

A perfect world ... People look and people judge . It's human nature to be curios . But people judge simply because they don't understand . Who are they to question one persons love for another ? It's easy to be cruel it's much harder to be kind . If people would just look at their own lives first and try to fix what's broken there . Maybe then they wouldn't be so focussed on the happiness of others . They judge because they don't understand . They wonder why , how ? How can one man love another ? I guess at one time I also questioned it . But always kept an open mind . Now I know !  Love really has no boundaries . Love is love and the heart wants what the heart wants ! I wish I could make people understand , family friends . But why , why should I care ? Some days I do other days I don't . But I do wish for a world where everyone is accepted equally regardless of race gender or sexual orientation . But a world such as this is no

Lonely days sleepless nights. Thoughts running through my mind. How I missed you , how I longed for you. Many tears , would fill an ocean . Eyes red and face tired . God how I loved you! I know those days are gone and still I cry , I cry in silence . Desperate pleas . I pray and I beg our dear Lord . I ask time and time again ,why can't she love me ? Why ,won't she love ? No longer needed I feel . Time did not stand still for you . you lived life and you loved another .But my love did not waiver . My heart still in pain . I have reached out , I have said and done all I can . Still you don't love me . Time you say , time is all you need , you say it's too soon . Years and years have gone , I am feeling old and not looking younger . So many years wasted. I would give twenty years to get the last ten back if I could only share them with you .

Night time I loathe and despise thee. Why do you torment me so ? You tease me with heavy eyes and tired bones . I lay my head and you won't let me rest . What have I done ? what have I done ,for you to torment me this way ? My little blue pill does nothing more than taunt me . My dreams haunt me . I feel disparity , I feel abstracted from reality . The feeling of desperation and the desire to live, both are in a bitter struggle . I recall the nights I wished for the man in the dark robe to just take me , take me so I can finally rest . Please Lord I beg you , please help me. I wish so much for life . I wish so much for just one night of rest . I pray to be forgiven , I have been forsaken. If I have committed such a crime , to warrant this punishment that you deem just . Please I beg , absolve me . Release me ! I beg for reprieve , exonerate this sentence for I rather face my executioner than another night of unrest !

Are you able to look back at your life , ever think back to a time when your heart was broken? I can. I can think of a time a place a day and a moment frozen in time. it felt as thought someone reached into my chest cavity ,with bare hands it was torn open . My heart was taken and ripped to shreds. I can still feel the pain . God how it hurts. They say time heals all wounds , I say not true! Some wounds can never heal. My pain will not heal not until my heart stops beating and even then I question it. I sometimes believe that I am doomed damned if you will. A life sentence for the crimes I have committed. What crimes you ask? I wish I could tell you . I figure I must have done something wrong to upset the higher powers . I must have been a terrible person in a past life . I have been afflicted by pain and sorrow most of my adult life. I haven't slept a full night in years. I recently visited my Doctor and renewed my prescription. I haven't taken and sleep aids for many years

What did you want me to do ? Should I have given you my blessings ?  Should I have been happy ? Happy for what ? Because you no longer cared ? Because you no longer loved me ? Yet you ask why ? Why did I do what I did , why was I so cruel ? Why why why ? I hated you for what you did to me ! I hated you for not loving me . But it's all a distant memory to me now . And yet you still ask why. How many times I wished for the courage to put a bullet in my brain . How many times I wanted no more . How many nights I pray the lord my soul to take . Yet you still ask why . Why ? I don't know why . I hated you and the world . I hated my self because I still loved you as well .  It's all in the past I have told myself . Now  I live my life for today and try not to cry for yesterday .  The tears still come and at times I don't know why .  Why do I love you so ? Why did my heart not let go ?  Six feet underground I still won't know . Why why why !

Your love is  a drug , I need it I desire it I devour it. My body aches for your touch , my heart deep with emotion, I give you all my devotion. The blood boils in my veins , I can't stand the pain for your love holds the reins. Your love is my high , it's  my drug of choice. My mind it won't rest, longs the sound of your voice. My heart is a prisoner of this love that I seek, I stand tall I am strong . Why do I feel so weak? This drug is my blight, this drug feels so right , this drug brings me comfort ,brings me joy, in the solace of night. Your body I desire your love I require , I long for the taste when we love not in haste. Intertwined with emotion with our body's in motion. This drug that I take is the love that we make. This drug is so strong , this drug can't be wrong. It's the drug that I long and my love now you own !

Across the floor she looked at me , my body captured I couldn’t flee.   She called for me and my life was bright , I never will , forget that night.   Her touch so tender, her warm caress , I fell for her I will confess.   Her stance demands attention , her strength was my affection.   Enthralled I was to see , this lovely girl, she was for me.   Exuding confidence , assuring style . Yet knowing all the while.   This night was not to last , the future though, it now was cast.   The next few nights I couldn't wait , the call from her I hesitate.   The next few years I will remember , the joyous moments I hold so tender.   When future comes and life is gone , my thoughts of you will still live on.   My love is yours and your to hold , just think of me when you are cold.   I don't know when , I don't know how , but I promise then I promised now.   My spirit will , watch over you . And now after all these years I wish I had never taken that turn on the road that led to my life

Love absolute , it's the stuff that fairy tales are made of , or is it ? It is difficult to comprehend how an individual may feel this way about another . When you love without question there are no need for answers . I like to think of love as a triangle . A triangle made up of three elements , honesty , respect and understanding . If just one of these elements is missing it's impossible to move forward . Trust is earned but easily lost . Understanding comes from having an open mind and a great deal of patience . Respect comes from the heart , the love you feel for another metamorphoses into respect . These I believe are key elements and the basis for all successful relationships . How then do so many relationships fail ? Seems so easy to just walk away from conflict . When entering a relationship you must have faith and a bit of hope . When you enter into a loving committed partnership , you need to detach yourself from the statistical data's . You can not give your

How do you forget the past? How do you let go of the hurt? How can I stop the pain? I long for days gone by. Days when dreams we shared . Days when future plans included more than one. How can I feel so much love and feel so much pain. The tears come without warning.You have so much anger towards me till this day. I have fought so hard to forget.I know I can't just pretend but I also know , I can't go through this again! God I have dreamed of the moment when my lips feel yours. When my hand caresses your skin.When our bodies entwined into one.How I have dreamed of the moment when you whisper , I love you . My heart fails to control it's rhythm every time my eyes set on yours.You fail to see , to see the love , the deep and utter admiration. You fail to see , to see my adoration , the adulation the affection the allegiance! you do not see how my heart melts how my belly aches how my eyes fill with the tears of joy. You just can not see me at all. You look at me and see t

Under cover of dark in my subconscious mind , I lived in a world that was left far behind. When I dream of what was and what isn't today . I look at you now and I pray you will stay . Seems so hard that you will , ever trust in me now . I would give you my word ,I just don't know how . You no longer need me nor require my essence , many times did I wish God would just make his presence. I felt pain I felt sorrow and at times did I think there's no hope for tomorrow . When you left and my life ,it just fell apart, I still feel the pain of the scars here in my heart . Once the sky was so blue but now constantly grey, I drop down on my knee and I pray, pray pray pray. I can promise you love , forgiveness and pleasure . Protect you respect you , your love always I'll treasure . Please don't be my judge , or my jury today . For my heart's filled with love it will not ever stray . How I longed your embrace or a smile on your face . Just a simple hello , not a d

How I wish I could hold you and feel the warmth of your smile. And I can’t help but wonder did I dream all the while. How I longed for your touch and the air you respire. I was sure the forgotten and my love not required. Now my heart it is broken for the words that I’ve spoken. Though forgiveness is futile I will still say I’m sorry. When my body is ashes and my son tells the story. In my eyes he was perfect for her love he would worry. In the depths of his sorrows or the strength of his glory.

The ache that I feel is the shame that I carry. Though my love was for real you will always be weary. I can’t change what the past was of the future you worry. You may never forgive me and my heart it feels heavy. You were all that I wanted but I only neglected. In my eyes you’re the child that I always protected. Now my eyes they are filled, with the tears that I cry. And can’t help but wonder , why why why ?

You are the moon in my night You are the shine to my light You are the strength to my might. - You are the air that I breathe You are the blood that I bleed You are the love that I heed. - You are my left to my right You are the fight to my blight You are the words that I write. - You are the one I adore You are the one I want more You are the one evermore. - You are the song to my choir You are the one I require THE ONLY ONE I DESIRE ! I love you ........ -

I dream of a dream , I dream in a way, I dream of a dream and for ever you'll stay. I dream of a place so far away, where my heart is fulfilled and my love does not stray. I dream of a time when your love was so real, I dream of a life when you held me so dear. I dream of the past and the future unclear, I dream of a dream and I still have you near. I dream and I pray for your love to be here,I dream and I hope for a love I won't fear. I dream of a dream where my heart does not ache, I dream and I pray for the Lord my soul take. I dream of a dream where my eyes do not cry, my head knows the truth but my heart knows not why. I dream of a dream , of the love that I feel, a love without question with devotion so clear. I dream of a dream and your love I reclaim, I dream of a dream when you call I out my name.

FOR ALL THESE REASONS AND MORE, I LOVE YOU. When I hear your name, my heart skips a beat. When I hear you speak, you make me feel weak. When I see your face, I can’t look away. When I see you smile, I’m a child at play. When I look in your eyes, I see what I had. When you walk away, I feel nothing but sad. When I look in my heart I see no one but you. When I look in my soul I see love ever true. When I lay down to sleep in my dreams you will play, I pray and I pray that for ever you’ll stay. If it’s only in dreams that your mine for the take, than I pray to the Lord may I never awake!