MY LIFE IN MY OWN WORDS

 I haven’t written anything in a while , I just haven’t had the strength . It’s now late May 2024 and I have come complete circle from two years ago . My partner has left me again . He claims I’m competing with his family . I ask , how am I competing with them when they see you six days a week and I see you one ? If anything they are competing with me I said ! Basically he broke up with me through text messaging and email . After almost seven years he didn’t even have the decency to at least speak to me about it in person or on the phone  .  I’m going through a mix of emotions . First there was confusion . Then sadness . Then a great deal of anger . First I was angry with him and then I was angry with myself . I’m angry with him for lying and betraying my trust . I’m angry with myself for allowing him to do do it . I tend to think more with my heart and less with my head . Now I cry almost everyday . I’m fighting the demons , I’m feeling desperate , I’m staring deep into the rabbit  ho

 I thought I could forget , I thought I could forgive . But I cry almost daily , tears don’t always show but I cry , my heart cries . My heart bleeds my heart  aches . I’m reaching for more pills everyday . The thoughts are coming back . I see no light at the end anymore . I wish every night not to wake up . I welcome my end . I welcome peace in my mind . I wish I could make you understand what you did . At the worst time of my life , you took it all away . My hope  my happiness , my will to survive . You have destroyed me mentally and physically and have shattered me emotionally .I can’t do this much longer . I’m all alone I’m so lonely and no one would care . So why do I keep bothering to wake up in the morning ? I welcome the night , I welcome darkness . I welcome my end and I welcome eternal rest I’m so fucking  tired of being alive.

 Last couple of days have been hard . Went out with a friend last night and had to come home early , couldn’t get you out of my mind . Went to bed thinking about you , dreamt all night about you . It’s now eight am and I have been laying in the bed for over an hour just thinking about you . I can’t bring myself to get up and face another day without you in my life . I know this will take time . I know one day I’ll move on maybe even forget some . But all I know  is that now I feel the pain of losing you twenty fours hours a day . I wish I could close my eyes and another five years have gone by . I don’t know how or when but I wish that day come fast .  I still love you so much and I can’t forget your face your smile your smell . I hope you are doing well and finally found the happiness I apparently couldn’t give you . 

 Every story has a beginning and an end . Tonight was the end of ours . A love story of sorts . I remember when people would say , you guys make such a good couple . You guys are perfect for each other . You guys are this you guys are that . I remember it all . I can give you back all your belongings , I can delete all our photos . I can’t however erase the memories in my head . Good and bad but memories non the less . We hugged , I cried and as per usual between the tears I did all the talking . You said sorry more times than I could count .  I asked why ? Why did you wait almost four years to tell me that you don’t see a future together ? If I’m to blame for anything at all than blame me for giving you too much . I payed your bills when we met . I payed for your school . I payed for all our trips . I helped you get your shop going . I’m even paying ( still ) for your health benefits . All you could say was I’m sorry . How can you be sorry if you don’t even know what you are sorry for

 I’m not having a good day . Last night was very difficult . I had to take a couple extra sleeping pills just to unravel my thoughts . I don’t know what time I fell asleep but I remember my eyes filled with tears . The phone call from him didn’t help . I hadn’t heard from him all week , said he was too busy at the shop all week . I asked if he was working 24/7 because surely you must have had a minute to spare for me ? I don’t know what I was expecting , maybe just a glimpse of hope . Just a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel I’m in . But nothing , he barely spoke and I was just rambling , saying whatever came to mind just to keep him on the phone . I asked him when exactly did you stop loving me , how , why? He had no answer . How much can one man do ? All I ever did was love him and cared for him . I gave him my life ! I’m sad and angry and confused . I asked him , what else could I have done ? What could I have done different ? Again no answer . I know he’s not ready to leav

 About a month ago that’s exactly what I said to myself . Depression rearing it’s ugly head again the beast was back . The struggle was just too much to bear . The day , the week , the month had not gone well . It was becoming obvious to me I was about to hit the wall . The pain in my chest was ominous . I knew it , the train was coming but I could not get off the tracks . I just wanted to sleep it off . Or maybe I just didn’t want to wake up  again . My usual dose didn’t cut it , my head spinning out of control . One more pill I told myself , just one more and I’ll just sleep it off . I’ve had this feeling before . This time however the thought of not waking up was actually satisfying in some way . One more pill I told myself again and again and again . I honestly lost count and as a drifted into nothingness , I was praying it would be enough to end my suffering . I don’t think I was trying to end my life but at the same time I welcomed the outcome . Needles to say my sorrow continued

 Three and a half years of my life wasted . When we met I had reservations about our age difference . But after you told me you loved my , I was in heaven . I fell for you hard . You didn’t have much money and you were young . I took care of you . I payed for all our trips . I helped you in many times of needs . Because , well that what you do when you love someone . Now you are doing well opening your own business your own barbershop . I payed for your school helped you set it up . And now after all this time you have no time for me . I feel like a fool . I cry daily I’m so depressed . I don’t even want to live at times . I am a mess and you don’t give a shit . Did you ever love me ?  Or did you just like me taking care of you ? I am so sad so hurt , I often go to sleep and pray I don’t wake up . A few nights ago I was staring at my meds and was hold a pill bottle in my hands  and I was trying to get the courage to end ny suffering . But I could not do it . But it hasn’t left my mind

 I’m torn about this dilema . I’m being advised not to let him into my life . He has caused so much pain and heartache . But he is my son nonetheless and I feel this parental  ( responsibility ) to be there for him . I’m in touch with him on a regular basis . But I’m sad every time he calls . This is not my son . The child I cherished and protected when he was little .  The child I tended to when he was ill . He sounds like  a stranger to me now . He speaks different and acts different . But I feel this parental need desire or guilt what ever it is . I feel I need to help him and be there for him .  Pray for me and pray for him . I don’t know what the future has in stored for him or myself . God I just wish he would wake up and see his ways are no way to live and will only lead him to this awful place again . Honestly I don’t think I can do this again . 

Sometimes I’m driving and thoughts go through my mind .if I drive right into a wall or guardrail on the highway all my pain will be over . These thoughts are more and more frequent these days . I don’t believe I have the guts or courage to do it but honestly , I wish I did . A split second and it will all be over . But the thought of my elderly parents having to deal with my demise and the heartache they would have to endure stops me from going through with it . My only concern is that for a split second a fraction of a second , I actually plan for it. 

 The little orange wonder and my little blue pill . I lay here every night . When sleep comes hard I reach out for another .my cocktail for the evening . My mind won’t rest my eyes are heavy and my heart is pounding against my chest . And I wait for the sandman that seems to never come . Some nights Im at the point of feeling intoxicated . Severe morning headaches . My nightly routine . I wish I desire , I  dream of a night of sleep . 

 My hearth aches my soul is dark my dreams shattered . Oh I had known how hard how heart wrenching and complicated it would be with life and loves betrayal and pure anguish . I would have crawled back into to comfort of my mothers womb because no one prepared me for this !  

 New Year’s Eve came and went , alone again . No friends no family around and my son somewhere on someone’s couch I’m sure . I have tried emailing him and no reply . I do wish the best for humanity but I ask God to take one second out of his very busy schedule just to watch over and make sure he has a warm bed and a full belly . It’s all I think about twenty four hours a day , seven days a week . People still ask and sometimes I even wonder myself . Why ? Why do I worry and lose so much sleep over him . Because I say , because he is my son . All the best to you my son . 

  It’s almost the end of 2020 and you should look forward to changing your life make a better man of yourself but most important  It  It’s almost the end of 2020 and you should look forward to changing your life make a better man of yourself but most important a better human being .   I think about when you were born and I cried as I held you in my arms . Then I thing about 15 years later when you came to live with me and we were supposed to spend our first Christmas together . Then I remember how  I cried all night again . You left said you would be back soon . You never came back that night . I waited up till about 5 in the morning . I tried calling your friends and drove all over town looking for you . That night I packed up all the presents I have picked out for you and there were many , enough to fell a large black garbage bag . I wanted to just toss them away but I didn’t . I took down the tree the same evening and erased every Christmas memory from  night .  After that it was a

   CHRISTMASS 2020 Almost 22 years ago I held him in my arms and cried , I cried and cried .  I was  overwhelmed with joy. Tonight it's Christmas  eve and now I cry again. I wish I could put into words the pain I feel . The heartache the sorrow. I wish I knew where my son was and that he is safe and in a warm bed and a full belly. I wish also he would get help for the substance abuse , for his anger for his violent outbursts . I Wish I could forget the damaged walls and destruction . I wish I could forget the mental anguish the hateful words , the bruises on my body. All that and more , too much pain to forget. But I wish I could for one moment forget all that . To hold him in my arms to tell him I love him to tell him , to tell him that I will always love him. But it's Christmas eve in the middle of this pandemic and  I have no idea where he is. It's Christmas eve and no presents under my tree ! 

 My pandemic  My sons mental health my sons numerous encounters with police . My sons physical and mental abuse towards me . My son living on the streets . This has been my pandemic for the last ten year of my life .  Edit: Just recently found out he’s been arrested facing up to a year in jail . My heart is broken in a million pieces . This is my pandemic . Covid is a fraction of my suffering .

I forgive you  because I love you , I forgive you because you are my blood . That I can do but I can not forget the anguish , the sleepless nights , the hate you inflicted upon me . I did what I could as a single dad for all these years and still was never enough . My biggest fear and I live with this 24/7 is the next time I get a nock  on the door and there have been many . But I live with the fear that it will be the last !

MY HEART ACHES My heart aches my body is weak and my spirit broken. So many lies , so many dreams vanished . You say you love me , can’t live without me . Where was that love when I needed it the most ? I gave you my life and you threw it away like yesterday’s trash . 

What is love ?  Love is when you miss someone even though you just saw them . Love is when when you can't get the smile on their face out of your mind . Love is when you are down and that person brings you up . Love is when you think about that person when you fall asleep and when you wake. Love is when you are having the worst day and that person says I love you and all your problems go away . Love is when when you touch that person and you feel it in every bone in your body. Love is when you kiss that person and you wish that kiss would never end . Love is when your heart races at just the idea of looking into each others eyes . Love is when you are running late and that person patiently waits . Love is when someone asks why do you love me and you don't even have to think about an answer . These are just some of the reasons as to what I think love is  . And there are so many more ...

Depression . How do I describe it ? Well I'll tell you what it means to me . When I think about it I guess I've been dealing with it probably since I was about ten or so . Maybe even earlier than that . Starting from when I was sexually abused by a family friend  , that's probably my first recollection of the start of it . It was only once but it certainly left a scar . I'm not even sure how old I was maybe seven or eight? I can't really recall . I do remember however the feeling of guilt and shame . The next time I can recall feeling depressed , was when my family moved to Canada from South America . I can recall the deep sadness in my uncles eyes my mothers brother whom I loved so dearly and always looked up to . He was crying and hugging me saying goodbye , I was just ten but I can remember the overwhelming feeling of sorrow . Confused and afraid because I didn't fully grasp that I may never see this man ever again . Then after what seemed an eternal fl

It's been a long time since I last wrote . I have sat in front of the computer countless times and either didn't have the courage or could not find the right words . Not that I didn't have anything to say , on the contrary there is so much that has happened in the past few years . So much that it's a bit overwhelming . I'm perplexed with thoughts and emotions . I've had a troubled and turbulent life , but I have to be honest and tell you that the last few years have been the most stressful and the most painful of all. Let me take you back . To a time perhaps of weakness or maybe vulnerability , I found myself l with the mother of my son . The woman that caused me so much pain was now the person I embraced. After a rekindled romance I once again fell victim to my fantasy. My illusion of what I thought happiness meant. To be with and part of a family once again. It all started as most relationships do , however it was all short lived . As the saying goes , the h