MY LIFE IN MY OWN WORDS

My head is heavy and my heart is sad. I hold in my anger , I try to bottle it up but I am afraid .I fear when it reaches it's boiling point it will blow without warning or control. My life is like a volcano , laying dormant for a long time , bubbling inside and temperatures rising. I have felt the tremors many times I feel the pressure , my head feels like it will blow at any second.I fear for the outcome . I fight day and night to keep it under control. I pray for guidance and strength, it is all I can do....

I am so confused so afraid and feel so uncertain about my future.I want to move on ,I just want to live on , I just want to go on with my life and breathe with out gasping .I feel like there is a brick wall in front of me , my arms stretched out wide and my hand firmly on it. I have been pushing against this wall in a futile attempt to regain the convition of my life.I see the drag marks on the ground and the callouses on my skin. Yet I feel like this wall has not even budged an inch.This is the wall of my past and it is heavy. Heavy with the burden of sorrow and pain love gained love lost betrayal anguish and hate , I see anger and mistrust , I see all the graffiti on this wall, it is all the color of blood.I am tired of pushing this wall . I question myself ,am I pushing it or is it pushing me? What's holding me back? I wish I knew...

1. Marital disloyalty; adultery. 2. Unfaithfulness; disloyalty. 3. Lack of religious faith, esp. Christian faith. 4. A breach of trust or a disloyal act; transgression. The dictionary’s explanation of infidelity .Resent survey shows that 80% of couples will experience infidelity at some point of their relationship. Divorce at its all time high, some surveys suggests any where between 55% an up to 70%. A staggering statistic and a frightening one at best . Why are we not able to be loyal to each other? Some will argue it is in our jeans, our genetic make up. They say humans were not genetically designed to be monogamous, humans were designed to only copulate. The only reason for our meager existence is procreation. What ever happened to Love? I have been in love before; Will it work will we fail?These are questions I hear people ask themselves , I do not know I try not to think about these things anymore. I believe if you are lucky enough to fall in love, then you must enjoy the moment

I am sorry Daddy, he said as he stepped out of my car. I was dropping him off at his mom’s house access weekend had ended. For what buddy? I asked. I am sorry for what I did today, looking into my eyes and touching my very soul. The look of worry and sadness in his eyes, I love you buddy, and Daddy has already forgotten what you did, me too he said as if somehow relieved that it was not such an issue that I would remember. Assured now that Wednesday will come and Daddy will still be there for him he smiled and hugged me tight. Truth is I had forgotten. Clean your room I said, you have to pick up your toys, I reminded him, finish your breakfast so you can grow big and strong. I played out the day in my head and could not quite remember why this gentle little boy with angelic eyes , why he would have cause to apologize. I guess going through all the hurdles that life has carefully placed in front of my life race to the finish, in the process I have learned not to hold grudges but mostly

The phone rang I was asleep on the couch, whispers of soft melodies in my ear. I had fallen asleep to one of the music channels on cable. It rang again; I was in and out of consciousness, as I had only rested maybe two hours the night before. It rang and it ran, finally I managed to reach over and slowly open one eye to attempt to see the caller on my display. It was coming from my son’s mother’s house. Dam, I said to myself! I let it ring again and I quickly thought what if it’s Michael? Rarely a call from him, he is not allowed to, he has confessed to me, but when I pressed talk and I heard that sweet sounding melody that is his voice, I was suddenly awakened. “Daddy” tomorrow is heritage day, he says to me. Can you help me please? I heard his mom in the background yelling, “Don’t even get me involved I want nothing to do with this. What do you need Buddy? I asked. Well daddy you know the homework you and I did a couple of weeks ago about my heritage day and where you come from. Yes

The car is totaled, unrepairable. My parents can't seem to catch a break.The car payments go on but now there is no car. Now is time to deal with the Insurance company , legalized mobsters they are. In the business to collect money but not to pay it out.His injuries are substantial. Might have some broken ribs and there appears to be some blood coagulation near the upper neck area the Doctor mentioned it might be a tumor that might have been exasperated due to the impact. He is all bruised and in allot of pain.He is able to get around but yet can't drive and he finds himself short of breath frequently.I will keep you posted thank you for all your comments of concern.

On Wednesday I got a frantic call from one of my brothers, Dad has been in an accident! He said. Where is he? I asked. He is being loaded into an ambulance, was his answer. Shock waves of fear thundered through me. I feared the worst! Selfishly I have to admit I said to myself , my God I don't need anymore bad news in my life I just can not handle this stress. I dropped everything grabbed my keys put on my runners and darted out the door. Traffic was heavy; rush hour is the worst possible time to be out on the road. What the hell was he doing out? I kept asking myself. I hope he didn’t have anything to drink, that was my greatest fear. My dad known for having more than his share more often than not, I just drove and I was stunned, I truly felt numbed, I was mortified by the possibility that he had caused the accident under the influence of alcohol. My brother calls me back on my mobile and asked where I was, I am five minutes away, I said. Well they just took dad away; I feared the

I wish to go away. Run from my problems and hide for a day. Forget all my worries and leave them behind, forget they exit and freedom is mine. Alone on a journey, a journey of hope, a trip full of wonder and not the end of a rope. Peace is what I am after. Happiness ever after. Depression my worst foe anxiety it has its hold. That is what I fear and I fear it the most, is there no escape to a land with the most. I fear for my family, I fear for my friends, I think of my problems, will they ever end. I raise my cup and I make a toast, I have one drink and feel I want this, I want this the most. I dream of a land so far away, a land full of wonder and a land without hate. . Is there such a place? Is there any hope? I stay optimistic but I want one more smoke. It is killing me, that I know, but I long for the drink and I long for the smoke. I want to get away leave it behind, the pain the suffering but mostly the wine. What a dream, a dream to be hold, a dream nonetheless, and a dream to

I just close my eyes and your mine. Our struggles are over and we, have stopped time. I just close my eyes ,you are in my arms, I can feel your moist lips, they are caressing mine. Your warm supple skin, the touch of your fingers, sends shivers down my spine. I just close my eyes, yesterday is now, and you are still by my side , the scent of you lingers inter fused with mine. My love came too late, even after you were mine, but my soul was pure and my heart was kind . I just close my eyes, and you are in my life ,for just one moment, one more moment in time. I just close my eyes and you hold me, with all of your might, keeping me warm on a cold winters night. I just close my eyes and my heart skips a beat, I dream, a dream , that I soon want to keep. I Just close, my eyes and you are lying on my bed. In my day you are my light and in darkens you hold me tight. If I never awake from this dream , I would dream for a lifetime , if that was my dream. If I lay down to sleep, and never awa

My parents, my father in his late sixties, my mother not far behind, my dad retired an earning a meager pension, my mother still working day and night,just to make ends meet. Reality is setting in. No savings to speak of and other than the equity they have built up in the home they live in there is nothing. Still paying for a mortgage at their age is challenging at best. I offered to drive them yesterday to this retirement community my dad has been looking at for a while. A couple of hours driving in the countryside I thought, great way to spend an otherwise lonesome day by myself... Disappointment in my mothers face was apparent. Disillusioned my dad was. Facing the truth is always tough. Facing your mortality is even more. A trailer park I thought. I remained optimistic and asked the sales woman allot of questions. Not a word from either one, what do they expect, what do they want? I asked myself. Realizing that even this venture would be too costly for them we drove back. Tears fro

I had a terrible night's rest ! I might have slept perhaps three hours, maybe four. I wanted to share a dream I had last night, I want to share it, well because I have never had a dream quite like it before. In my dream, I am an older man maybe ten fifteen years from now, it involved my ex wife and our son. You see I have always had this vision a dream or more like a desire, I have always wanted to move away. Away from the hustle and bustle of the city life.Away from all the sorrow and dreariness’ that seems to be rampant in our surroundings, just leave it all behind and start a new life.A littl eplace out in the country , just like the one in the photo. In my dream I had a friend or knew someone I am foggy on those details, in my dream I knew someone that had sold her ranch. It was an amazing place out in the countryside. Sprawling grounds, rolling hills of lash green. Enchanting and mesmerizing sunsets. Beautiful! if I had to describe it in one word. The house was this big old V

My head pounds, my thoughts irrational, I feel the walls closing in on me. I need help! I am so alone. My heart aches for comfort. My body is in pain, broken! I feel, like a fine porcelain doll with a hairline fracture, worthless! What am I to do? I cannot sleep I hate the daylight but the night skies frighten me. I live in a house full of people, but they are all strangers to me. I am alone. I feel such bleakness; I have isolated myself from all who knew me. I now need them around, I feel detached, and confined .Solitude is a debilitating state of mind. I don’t know what to do. My life once fruitful and full of promises, it is now infested and decayed. My head is pounding, exasperation followed by a forbearing wish to delight. I cannot, I stop myself. I cannot let myself be happy. Content at the very least I should be. Blissful I am not. My head still pounds those dammed fucking pills do nothing. I have a migraine.

Four years of my life, I gave to you, forty-eight months, two hundred and eight weeks, one thousand and sixty days I spent with you! I will forever enshrine, preserve, and conserve the memory of our first night in Muskoka. One of the most beautiful places on earth and yet I was in heaven. The day we spent around the Cottage, I cherish. The allurement of this sanctity is captivating to put it mildly. The fresh aromatic smell of the pines and the scent of freedom from the everyday city routine were unforgettable. Your encouragement for my visit to your most sacred place will never be abandoned. Then the night arrived, we made our way to the dock by the lake. Candles a blanket and our warm embrace were all the necessary elements that we required for this memorable evening. I have never in my life have ever seen such a more astonishing and breathtaking night. The sky was as clear as glass and the stars perfectly aligned. We lit the candles, huddled under your warm blanket, and held each ot

You do not have to ask me again, I naively answered .After all, I have known him for almost half my life I never gave it a second thought. You see I have this job opportunity and I will, have a place to live, however, I just need somewhere to sleep for a few days, maybe a couple of weeks, he said. Just pack your bags and come over, I said. He was living at his parents about two hours away from his hometown .He had moved away after his separation to deal with some personal issues. His kids live with their mother. He wanted to come home,I sensed. I want to get my life back in order, you know, move back closer to the kids; try to make a go at it .No need to explain, we had not been in touch much throughout the years! Nonetheless, he was still an old friend and friends are supposed to help friends, which I still believe... Therefore, the couch is yours as long as you want it, I said. He gave me a hug and said you are truly a great friend I don’t know what I would do with out you , as his e

Busted flat in Baton Rouge. A long country drive is good for the soul . Just get out of the city; I do this occasionally, by myself, only because there is no one to share the ride with. I pull out an old CD, Janis Joplin’s greatest, skip to track five and I am instantly transported back in time. Busted flat in Baton Rouge, waiting for a train and I feel as faded as my jeans. Those words resonate through my mind like if the song was written for me. Baton Rouge is right here, right now for me! Faded I feel, actually more like transparent almost invisible. I feel my foot heavy on the gas and I wonder ,has anyone ever felt this but me? I listen to every word. Every word is telling me their story. The sun is bright and I feel it burn through the windshield, windows down I feel a cold chill in the air. I stare at the road ahead into the horizon. I imagine this is the place, she sang about, I slip on my shades to cover my eyes from the blinding rays. Once more, I feel the pedal sinking deep i

It was not an easy decision to make, but it had to be done. I could not live with it any longer; my conscious would not allow it. Right or wrong, they are my parents. No matter what has transpired through out my challenging life, at the end of the day they are, my parents. Maybe they did the best they could. I try to convince myself. Maybe it was all they knew to do. After all, how can I neglect their sad and troubled upbringing? My mother at the tender age of nine, was sent away to live with another family from time to time. As were her other sisters’ .She cooked and cleaned for them and in return, they offered safe shelter, but very little if any of monetary compensation. I do not blame my grandma for this, I know now she had little choice. My mother and her siblings did not know it then, but this heart wrenching decision from my grandmother, assured their survival. Both my parents’ victims them selves, victims of failed marriages and broken homes. My mother herself witnessed and suf

My true companion, I give her fresh water, I clean her litter box. A small price to pay for the love and attention she gives me. My son and my cat the only ones in my life that bring me joy and happiness . My cat I do not ask anything of her and she asks for nothing back. She cuddles next to me she knows when I am sad I can sense it. She seems disturbed when I am not well. She paces and apears to cry; I feel she wants to talk to me. She probably is. She lies on my favorite blanket, dander all over . A small price in comparison to the love she provides. I have given her a good home. She was a stray; they told me at the shelter. Now she is the queen of her castle. I have no friends and very little close family to speak of, she is my friend my roommate and my only solace for my lonely days. She sits by me when I write and when she tires, she falls asleep at the foot of my bed .She watches over me and me over her.In my restless sleep I reach for more medication . I sleep in late , she sit

Depressed and saddened I lay on the couch this beautiful sun filled day. Early spring yet it feels like the death of winter in my heart .Covered in sweat I lay and fell into a semiconscious sleep .There I lay , the CD ended while in my comatose state .I could hear the heartache in the songs and felt comforted by them .Day mares are the worst for me. I am used to the night terrors. I expect them; it is a part of my nightly ritual. I sometimes wake with screams of terror or tears of despair . I have become accustomed to it, a small price to pay the Sandman for the luxury of a couple of hours of rest. I pay a heavy toll for the temporary ceasing of my dreary days. The day mares, oh Jesus, .the day mares, they are more like an irruption of anxiety, an encroachment of my rights to heal. I lay there, aware of every sound experiencing all the torment, al the abomination that has been my life. I wake my self and feel lethargic, drowsy and debilitated .As I look around I see daylight, I try to

The skeleton in my closet! Lord I pray for forgiveness, I pray for my shame.I have asked you many times to help me , I sometimes feel perhaps you have forgotten me or forsaken me.Judge me Lord not for what I do but for whom I have become , a person of deep and great understanding.A person with great respect to my fellow human beings. It is there in my closet, it haunts my nights and torments my days. It is responsible for the pain and anguish in my life. I loath it, I despise it. I know enough to know most of us have one but that still is no alleviation for me. This skeleton has ruined my life, it has brought me to my wretched despair I feel deformed and disfigured. I begged for help from a friend but she was not a friend, I sought out support and found there was none. I asked for medication and it did not dissipate or disperse the evil. It is disintegrating my very existence. I am feeling dangerously despondent and somewhat critical and yet I sometimes welcome it, I sometimes call for

Why is our country at war my son recently asked? We are not at war! I answered. Then instantaneously it hit me, we are at war! Funny how, unless we witness the devastations through our own blind eyes we just extricate the thought and abandon the memory. Make it dematerialize we do by simply changing the channel, which is easy for us to do. Ignore it; tune into some inane, mindless innocuous production, what ever it takes just to make it disappear. My eight year old seems to be more aware of his surroundings than I am. How can I be so benighted? Am I that bewildered? Contrarily, I am fighting my own war and have no time for any other I try to persuade myself. Yet even with my own self-inflicted ignorance, I cannot forget about the senseless butchering and slaughter of young lives. I hear it every day and yet I need to be assiduously prompted by a child to recall the atrocities’ going on in the world today and yes "fuck we are at war"! I say to my self. Then I have to ask why?