MY LIFE IN MY OWN WORDS

Clonazepam and Imovane! They  are to be my only recourse to an otherwise long agonizing  sleepless night. I am so dependent  on them that I won't leave the house without them no matter where I go. They have become a part of who I am what ever I am they are my true friends . Both pills in my mouth and a downing of a large glass of water then sit an wait for my world to spin. The problem is that my world is spinning less everyday, my Dr says I have become used to them .  I fear I may have become addicted to them. I won't sleep thinking I may run short on my supply. No longer can I time how long it will take from when I swallow till I am safely asleep in my bed." A DRINK "is what I need I tell myself, then another than another. But the drink is not my friend . Eventually I manage to get some rest but only to wake up with blood shot eyes and mayor dark bags under my eyes. I have never been one to sleep much , but how I long for the days of my youth when all it took was a

That was the first thing he said to me. I picked him up Wednesday after work like I do every Wednesday .Riddled with guilt I was , haven't slept for almost three nights. One migraine after another.What a shitty week I had before this incident and after. It was going to be a fun filled weekend for us a few rental videos , maybe go swimming to my friends pool, she has been kind enough to give us a key to her condo and the use of her pool.A death in the family lead to me taking care of one of my nephews that Friday night. That is when it all began a weekend I will not soon forget! They were so misbehaved , my son has been acting up lately , answering back getting angry and just getting rebellious.I see the anger in him same anger I saw in his mother all those years.(God please don't let him turn out like her). by Sunday night I had had it I didn't sleep well I was tired from work the previous week, his mother had called a few days before complaining that he has anger issues a

There once lived a prince in a great big castle. He was a very kind prince .One day a loud knock was heard on the castle’s front door. When the kind prince opened the gigantic castle doors, he was amazed by what he saw. In front of him was standing this beautiful princess, her eyes as blue as the sky, her hair glowed like gold and her skin sparkled. Next to her was this little wrinkled old woman looked more like a witch her hair was messy and her face covered with warts. The beautiful princes batting her eyelashes said, oh kind prince would you let me in from the cold I am hungry and have not eaten for days? The kind prince looked down upon these two women and said nothing. Then the old witch also spoke, oh kind prince of whom I have heard so much about, your kindness is well known .I am also hungry and I am cold. The beautiful princess was not about to let this ugly old witch get her wish. You see the prince had to make a decision, because he was only permitted to let one person in at

To me there is no greater reward than a job well done! The gratification after an assignment is completed. The delight of a project coming to fruition, my indulgence is that of a small child. A small contribution on my part to humankind . Let me explain, as I have been feeling much better in the late I have taken up an old hobby and introduced it to a means of earning an income. I am ,The Handy Man! So proud I am when my mobile rings and people, strangers request my services, I who thought I had nothing to offer to this wonderful but sometimes cruel world, now find myself busier than ever. What an amazing feeling it is to see something you have created or mended finally completed. To see the faces of the people single mom’s, busy professional couples the elderly, all these people are suddenly in need of my help and I have to tell you it is an extraordinary sense of accomplishment. For so long I have felt unneeded, unwanted useless and helpless. All it takes is a smile from someone and

The sun sets and the moon rises, but every night I lay down onto my bed and rarely a smile on my face. However, change is in the horizon. Name me one person who does not desire to have something about himself or herself altered a modification some kind of correction. I will show you someone that is full of shit! We all have an appetite for transformation to achieve some level of what society and we ourselves would call (perfection). Nevertheless, with change comes acceptance. Perhaps it is that we want change in order to be accepted. Can we change are we able to? On the other hand, are we destined to be who we are from the beginning of time? Surely, with the advancements of modern technology and the most comprehensive medical procedures available to men kind many never before ever thought of possibilities are now reality. Numerous studies show men and women desire for changes to their appearance. I am just wondering how many if ever were polled about the changes they would like to make

What do we search for all our lives? All my life I have been searching, looking for something. Some elusive creature that some call happiness, I do not really know anymore if it exists or if it is just a myth. Pursuing a dream, perhaps an expedition or an exploration, I have been rummaging through my soul. A mélange a potpourri of emotions a hodgepodge of (GARBAGE). I have heard it said that we are our own worst enemies .My insides have been fighting a loosing battle with my outer forces the enemies I have created. I have polluted my soul an my heart and my life with the way I have chosen to live it, although at times I have had very little control and seldom if ever, any choice.. It seems every time I make any head wave the amalgamation of the evil paratroopers that control my outer world are always set for a rapid deployment of the troops. One-step forward and ten steps back. My head tells me I am fighting a war that cannot be won, but my heart is strong perhaps too stubborn to just

Here I sit late at night my meds kicking in almost time for bed but time yet for one more smoke. What a hellish day I had, how do I always let people talk me into doing things I don’t want? Three fucking hours in bumper-to-bumper trafic. Metal, plastic and the smell of burning rubber in what must have seemed like 40 Celsius. Two screaming kids in the back and my anxiety medication was not doing it today after popping four Advil’s for my migraine that wasn’t cutting it either. All I could think about , between the screaming kids and the never-ending traffic. How badly I wanted to pull my car over to the shoulder to a screeching halt step out light a smoke and walk away from it all forever. The job search the uncertainty its all coming to a head if the kids hadn’t been in the car I would have driven into the first tree I could find. I don’t know, man what a fucked up day three hours just to sit on a dirty windy beach crowded with masses of common people like hoards of cattle. I despised

Clonazapam Man, what a trip! My heart races my blood boils, my skin crawling with a million insects. Any moment my head will explode, I can feel the color of my flesh changing from a deep blood red to a sickening purple. Anger is building (I could hurt someone); I have to control myself (I could hurt myself).I feel like I am no longer in my body like an out of body experience. I can see myself and feel myself but I cannot be myself. Another panic attack, I tell myself. Not this one, this time it is not, this one feels like an over load of anxiety, I feel like a tantrum an infantile seizure. Not sure if I want to cry or scream for help. Than I remember my clonazapam, my only savior not much choice this is the hand I have been dealt by the powers that be. Every time I tell myself, I have to catch it in advance stop the madness before it begins but the madness catches me and I reach for my meds, the candy to the kid inside me. The only alleviation to my distress. I recently saw this movie

I once had a dream, it was in blue and green, clear sun drenched waters and the call of Mother Nature all around me. Yes, my friends if you want to live a dream visit this wonderful place. I have concluded that God in all his wisdom created this place as a testament to his heavenly powers. For you will never see more beauty, more color or splendor than the wonder that is Muskoka. I shall miss you, but I will visit .You have left a mark on me that is tender to the touch. The call of the loon in the evening is the song of the night. I sometimes close my eyes and deep in thought, I listen for the night bird and its song to drown out my City life.

For most of my life, I have lived with my eyes wide shut. There are times in our lives when we question ourselves and suspect that not everything we see is all there is. I search deep with in my heart deep down into my soul and I have come to only one conclusion, my life has not even begun. I open my eyes but fail to see the light; the darkness of my past blinds me. The truth is there, I know it is. Happiness cannot be very far. I have to think about all those around me whom I have done wrong. All those around me that truly matter; I wish I could make restitution but fail to see how. I believe that the road to forgiveness is paved with acknowledgement. The first step of any program is admitting to your faults. There is no recovery without self-evaluation. Luke 6:37 "Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned My eyes no longer wide shut, however neither are they yet wide open.

My head is heavy and my heart is sad. I hold in my anger , I try to bottle it up but I am afraid .I fear when it reaches it's boiling point it will blow without warning or control. My life is like a volcano , laying dormant for a long time , bubbling inside and temperatures rising. I have felt the tremors many times I feel the pressure , my head feels like it will blow at any second.I fear for the outcome . I fight day and night to keep it under control. I pray for guidance and strength, it is all I can do....

I am so confused so afraid and feel so uncertain about my future.I want to move on ,I just want to live on , I just want to go on with my life and breathe with out gasping .I feel like there is a brick wall in front of me , my arms stretched out wide and my hand firmly on it. I have been pushing against this wall in a futile attempt to regain the convition of my life.I see the drag marks on the ground and the callouses on my skin. Yet I feel like this wall has not even budged an inch.This is the wall of my past and it is heavy. Heavy with the burden of sorrow and pain love gained love lost betrayal anguish and hate , I see anger and mistrust , I see all the graffiti on this wall, it is all the color of blood.I am tired of pushing this wall . I question myself ,am I pushing it or is it pushing me? What's holding me back? I wish I knew...

1. Marital disloyalty; adultery. 2. Unfaithfulness; disloyalty. 3. Lack of religious faith, esp. Christian faith. 4. A breach of trust or a disloyal act; transgression. The dictionary’s explanation of infidelity .Resent survey shows that 80% of couples will experience infidelity at some point of their relationship. Divorce at its all time high, some surveys suggests any where between 55% an up to 70%. A staggering statistic and a frightening one at best . Why are we not able to be loyal to each other? Some will argue it is in our jeans, our genetic make up. They say humans were not genetically designed to be monogamous, humans were designed to only copulate. The only reason for our meager existence is procreation. What ever happened to Love? I have been in love before; Will it work will we fail?These are questions I hear people ask themselves , I do not know I try not to think about these things anymore. I believe if you are lucky enough to fall in love, then you must enjoy the moment

I am sorry Daddy, he said as he stepped out of my car. I was dropping him off at his mom’s house access weekend had ended. For what buddy? I asked. I am sorry for what I did today, looking into my eyes and touching my very soul. The look of worry and sadness in his eyes, I love you buddy, and Daddy has already forgotten what you did, me too he said as if somehow relieved that it was not such an issue that I would remember. Assured now that Wednesday will come and Daddy will still be there for him he smiled and hugged me tight. Truth is I had forgotten. Clean your room I said, you have to pick up your toys, I reminded him, finish your breakfast so you can grow big and strong. I played out the day in my head and could not quite remember why this gentle little boy with angelic eyes , why he would have cause to apologize. I guess going through all the hurdles that life has carefully placed in front of my life race to the finish, in the process I have learned not to hold grudges but mostly

The phone rang I was asleep on the couch, whispers of soft melodies in my ear. I had fallen asleep to one of the music channels on cable. It rang again; I was in and out of consciousness, as I had only rested maybe two hours the night before. It rang and it ran, finally I managed to reach over and slowly open one eye to attempt to see the caller on my display. It was coming from my son’s mother’s house. Dam, I said to myself! I let it ring again and I quickly thought what if it’s Michael? Rarely a call from him, he is not allowed to, he has confessed to me, but when I pressed talk and I heard that sweet sounding melody that is his voice, I was suddenly awakened. “Daddy” tomorrow is heritage day, he says to me. Can you help me please? I heard his mom in the background yelling, “Don’t even get me involved I want nothing to do with this. What do you need Buddy? I asked. Well daddy you know the homework you and I did a couple of weeks ago about my heritage day and where you come from. Yes

The car is totaled, unrepairable. My parents can't seem to catch a break.The car payments go on but now there is no car. Now is time to deal with the Insurance company , legalized mobsters they are. In the business to collect money but not to pay it out.His injuries are substantial. Might have some broken ribs and there appears to be some blood coagulation near the upper neck area the Doctor mentioned it might be a tumor that might have been exasperated due to the impact. He is all bruised and in allot of pain.He is able to get around but yet can't drive and he finds himself short of breath frequently.I will keep you posted thank you for all your comments of concern.

On Wednesday I got a frantic call from one of my brothers, Dad has been in an accident! He said. Where is he? I asked. He is being loaded into an ambulance, was his answer. Shock waves of fear thundered through me. I feared the worst! Selfishly I have to admit I said to myself , my God I don't need anymore bad news in my life I just can not handle this stress. I dropped everything grabbed my keys put on my runners and darted out the door. Traffic was heavy; rush hour is the worst possible time to be out on the road. What the hell was he doing out? I kept asking myself. I hope he didn’t have anything to drink, that was my greatest fear. My dad known for having more than his share more often than not, I just drove and I was stunned, I truly felt numbed, I was mortified by the possibility that he had caused the accident under the influence of alcohol. My brother calls me back on my mobile and asked where I was, I am five minutes away, I said. Well they just took dad away; I feared the

I wish to go away. Run from my problems and hide for a day. Forget all my worries and leave them behind, forget they exit and freedom is mine. Alone on a journey, a journey of hope, a trip full of wonder and not the end of a rope. Peace is what I am after. Happiness ever after. Depression my worst foe anxiety it has its hold. That is what I fear and I fear it the most, is there no escape to a land with the most. I fear for my family, I fear for my friends, I think of my problems, will they ever end. I raise my cup and I make a toast, I have one drink and feel I want this, I want this the most. I dream of a land so far away, a land full of wonder and a land without hate. . Is there such a place? Is there any hope? I stay optimistic but I want one more smoke. It is killing me, that I know, but I long for the drink and I long for the smoke. I want to get away leave it behind, the pain the suffering but mostly the wine. What a dream, a dream to be hold, a dream nonetheless, and a dream to

I just close my eyes and your mine. Our struggles are over and we, have stopped time. I just close my eyes ,you are in my arms, I can feel your moist lips, they are caressing mine. Your warm supple skin, the touch of your fingers, sends shivers down my spine. I just close my eyes, yesterday is now, and you are still by my side , the scent of you lingers inter fused with mine. My love came too late, even after you were mine, but my soul was pure and my heart was kind . I just close my eyes, and you are in my life ,for just one moment, one more moment in time. I just close my eyes and you hold me, with all of your might, keeping me warm on a cold winters night. I just close my eyes and my heart skips a beat, I dream, a dream , that I soon want to keep. I Just close, my eyes and you are lying on my bed. In my day you are my light and in darkens you hold me tight. If I never awake from this dream , I would dream for a lifetime , if that was my dream. If I lay down to sleep, and never awa

My parents, my father in his late sixties, my mother not far behind, my dad retired an earning a meager pension, my mother still working day and night,just to make ends meet. Reality is setting in. No savings to speak of and other than the equity they have built up in the home they live in there is nothing. Still paying for a mortgage at their age is challenging at best. I offered to drive them yesterday to this retirement community my dad has been looking at for a while. A couple of hours driving in the countryside I thought, great way to spend an otherwise lonesome day by myself... Disappointment in my mothers face was apparent. Disillusioned my dad was. Facing the truth is always tough. Facing your mortality is even more. A trailer park I thought. I remained optimistic and asked the sales woman allot of questions. Not a word from either one, what do they expect, what do they want? I asked myself. Realizing that even this venture would be too costly for them we drove back. Tears fro