MY LIFE IN MY OWN WORDS

Man,will it ever end? It's been almost seven years since my separation, nine if you count the last two years of torment and utter horror . It never ceases to amaze me how she thinks the world revolves around her. She uses my son as an excuse to accomplish her goals. God sees all , the day of reckoning will soon come ! I am not holly man nor am I righteous man , but I know that I am a good man , I don't live my life for others to fear. I will hold the door open for a stranger , I won't look the other way if someone requires aid. It baffles me , the idea, that a human being can live life for the sole purpose of self gratification.It is such a short existence for us on this planet and to think that some can live only to make others miserable astonishes me and strikes me with fear. God bless!

Its difficult surrendering to the night.I sit here and stare out into the darkness , the abyss , the night sky. It's been unusually cold lately . The voice on the radio is my only companion .I struggle with the darkness , I fear for what is to come. Faint lights in the distance , from up here I can imagine what every one of them sees.Love , hope, sorrow , joy . I know there is loneliness out there .Man it's cold tonight.It's late and my alarm will wake me out of my sleep by five am . My duvet drapes my body ,the down hugs me gently. I cocoon myself in my thoughts.The man on the radio says there is a cold weather alert "no fucking kidding"Pack it in and do it all over again tomorrow, JOY!

Some friend you are! Fuck you would think that maybe you could for one night turn your fucking cell phone off. You come over under the pretense of wanting to catch up on old times. You lecture me on how I need to get out and meet people (women). You say you are happy with all your female friends, they know where you stand your upfront with them, they are aware you are not interested in a relationship. Man I never heard more garbage from anyone else in my life. Your phone rings but before you pick up you tell me to be quiet? Get a grip on reality. Your insight on my supposed state of dysphoria leaves me to wonder about your own state of mind. You say I am lonely and yet you need to encompass yourself with artificial consorts. You call them friends. I much rather be alone and lonely as you put it then need to feel wanted by people who don’t even exist. I am lonely yes at times, who isn’t? For the most part I am content with my life. Only thing I am truly lacking is a companion a confidan...

And so it ends and so it begins. One more year year older, more gray thinning hair and another hangover. Just me my parents my ungrateful brother and his new girlfriend and new baby( not his first ) but first one with this one. Yes a night to remember , I wish I could just forget. I should have stayed home . Only reason I didn't is cause I was afraid of being alone. I guess I went cause they asked , or was it cause no one else asked? any way it was OK lots to eat and drink but not much else. I think for the first time in a long one I was actually lonely . Maybe it was the idea that I had no one special to say goodbye to the old year with and no one to celebrate the new with.I can't wait to see what this year has in store for me , oh wait , yes I can!

Ever have a life altering experience? A moment when time stands still and you think about your life and your existence. A wake up call if you will, or a slap in the face not sure which yet. I had one of those moments tonight. Man what the hell am I doing? I ask myself over and over . Our actions not only affect us , but greatly also those around us .Those that care and love us ,although these days they are few, nonetheless still important.Time for a change I tell myself . I stop for a moment " Déjà vu " Fuck didn't I say these very words to myself not too long ago? Then why the hell am I still on this fucked up ride? The nearest exit I am off!

My friends, or so called friends, where were you when I needed you? haven't I always been there for you ? Someone once told me my biggest downfall is I do too much for others. I never thought I would ever agree with that statement , unfortunately I am starting to believe that person might have been right. I recently found myself in great need of help. Tremendously overworked and overwhelmed with my current situation and yet not a one came to my aid.I even confronted two of them , two people that I have helped and done so much for through the years. Their response was to attack me and blame me for not asking for help. I guess I thought that the fact that they knew I was doing all of this on my own and the fact that I have given so much of myself to them and to their families , I thought that would have been enough to inspire them to acknowledge our friendships. I guess I was wrong.My friends what would I do with out you? Probably, I would do much better! Thank you.

I woke up in a cold sweat. My god it was just a dream , my heart races my head spins my vision not clear . For a moment she was mine. In my arms once again like she used to be.A deep desire for the unattainable. The mother of my son, how can a woman so beautiful be so cruel? I ask my self why after all this time after all the pain she has caused , why I can still dream of her this way? I know ,I no longer love her but I guess there is still a part of me that still longs for days gone by. So many years past so many lives altered. My heart still aches , not for her, but rather for love. For the warmth and desire , for the touch and for the smile that greets you at the door. A smile can warm the heart on the coldest ,most brutal winter's day.Anger sets in , sorrow to follow. This too will pass , this is not the first time I have felt like this . I believe I know what destiny has in store for me . Many sleepless nights in my past, surely this one won't be the last. Well I keep tell...

The phone rang, I answered it. Hello! Dan? I am moving. WHERE, WHEN, WHY? I yelled I cried I cursed. You have stolen the best years of my son’s life from me and now you are taking him away from me completely. I have done and given everything a father should. My heart aches and my skin crawls, I am beside myself. This desperate feeling I have felt before. Why is there no peace in my life? I ask the lord above (I get no answer). A long painful and costly battle ensues. My son I will still get to see just not as frequent as I did before. My son you will always be On this earth or in the earth beneath your feet Your Father I will always be In the heavens above or in the hells below A Father I will always be! The one sure thing no one can take from me.

Clonazepam and Imovane! They  are to be my only recourse to an otherwise long agonizing  sleepless night. I am so dependent  on them that I won't leave the house without them no matter where I go. They have become a part of who I am what ever I am they are my true friends . Both pills in my mouth and a downing of a large glass of water then sit an wait for my world to spin. The problem is that my world is spinning less everyday, my Dr says I have become used to them .  I fear I may have become addicted to them. I won't sleep thinking I may run short on my supply. No longer can I time how long it will take from when I swallow till I am safely asleep in my bed." A DRINK "is what I need I tell myself, then another than another. But the drink is not my friend . Eventually I manage to get some rest but only to wake up with blood shot eyes and mayor dark bags under my eyes. I have never been one to sleep much , but how I long for the days of my youth when all it took was a...

That was the first thing he said to me. I picked him up Wednesday after work like I do every Wednesday .Riddled with guilt I was , haven't slept for almost three nights. One migraine after another.What a shitty week I had before this incident and after. It was going to be a fun filled weekend for us a few rental videos , maybe go swimming to my friends pool, she has been kind enough to give us a key to her condo and the use of her pool.A death in the family lead to me taking care of one of my nephews that Friday night. That is when it all began a weekend I will not soon forget! They were so misbehaved , my son has been acting up lately , answering back getting angry and just getting rebellious.I see the anger in him same anger I saw in his mother all those years.(God please don't let him turn out like her). by Sunday night I had had it I didn't sleep well I was tired from work the previous week, his mother had called a few days before complaining that he has anger issues a...

There once lived a prince in a great big castle. He was a very kind prince .One day a loud knock was heard on the castle’s front door. When the kind prince opened the gigantic castle doors, he was amazed by what he saw. In front of him was standing this beautiful princess, her eyes as blue as the sky, her hair glowed like gold and her skin sparkled. Next to her was this little wrinkled old woman looked more like a witch her hair was messy and her face covered with warts. The beautiful princes batting her eyelashes said, oh kind prince would you let me in from the cold I am hungry and have not eaten for days? The kind prince looked down upon these two women and said nothing. Then the old witch also spoke, oh kind prince of whom I have heard so much about, your kindness is well known .I am also hungry and I am cold. The beautiful princess was not about to let this ugly old witch get her wish. You see the prince had to make a decision, because he was only permitted to let one person in at...

To me there is no greater reward than a job well done! The gratification after an assignment is completed. The delight of a project coming to fruition, my indulgence is that of a small child. A small contribution on my part to humankind . Let me explain, as I have been feeling much better in the late I have taken up an old hobby and introduced it to a means of earning an income. I am ,The Handy Man! So proud I am when my mobile rings and people, strangers request my services, I who thought I had nothing to offer to this wonderful but sometimes cruel world, now find myself busier than ever. What an amazing feeling it is to see something you have created or mended finally completed. To see the faces of the people single mom’s, busy professional couples the elderly, all these people are suddenly in need of my help and I have to tell you it is an extraordinary sense of accomplishment. For so long I have felt unneeded, unwanted useless and helpless. All it takes is a smile from someone and ...

The sun sets and the moon rises, but every night I lay down onto my bed and rarely a smile on my face. However, change is in the horizon. Name me one person who does not desire to have something about himself or herself altered a modification some kind of correction. I will show you someone that is full of shit! We all have an appetite for transformation to achieve some level of what society and we ourselves would call (perfection). Nevertheless, with change comes acceptance. Perhaps it is that we want change in order to be accepted. Can we change are we able to? On the other hand, are we destined to be who we are from the beginning of time? Surely, with the advancements of modern technology and the most comprehensive medical procedures available to men kind many never before ever thought of possibilities are now reality. Numerous studies show men and women desire for changes to their appearance. I am just wondering how many if ever were polled about the changes they would like to make...

What do we search for all our lives? All my life I have been searching, looking for something. Some elusive creature that some call happiness, I do not really know anymore if it exists or if it is just a myth. Pursuing a dream, perhaps an expedition or an exploration, I have been rummaging through my soul. A mélange a potpourri of emotions a hodgepodge of (GARBAGE). I have heard it said that we are our own worst enemies .My insides have been fighting a loosing battle with my outer forces the enemies I have created. I have polluted my soul an my heart and my life with the way I have chosen to live it, although at times I have had very little control and seldom if ever, any choice.. It seems every time I make any head wave the amalgamation of the evil paratroopers that control my outer world are always set for a rapid deployment of the troops. One-step forward and ten steps back. My head tells me I am fighting a war that cannot be won, but my heart is strong perhaps too stubborn to just ...

Here I sit late at night my meds kicking in almost time for bed but time yet for one more smoke. What a hellish day I had, how do I always let people talk me into doing things I don’t want? Three fucking hours in bumper-to-bumper trafic. Metal, plastic and the smell of burning rubber in what must have seemed like 40 Celsius. Two screaming kids in the back and my anxiety medication was not doing it today after popping four Advil’s for my migraine that wasn’t cutting it either. All I could think about , between the screaming kids and the never-ending traffic. How badly I wanted to pull my car over to the shoulder to a screeching halt step out light a smoke and walk away from it all forever. The job search the uncertainty its all coming to a head if the kids hadn’t been in the car I would have driven into the first tree I could find. I don’t know, man what a fucked up day three hours just to sit on a dirty windy beach crowded with masses of common people like hoards of cattle. I despised...

Clonazapam Man, what a trip! My heart races my blood boils, my skin crawling with a million insects. Any moment my head will explode, I can feel the color of my flesh changing from a deep blood red to a sickening purple. Anger is building (I could hurt someone); I have to control myself (I could hurt myself).I feel like I am no longer in my body like an out of body experience. I can see myself and feel myself but I cannot be myself. Another panic attack, I tell myself. Not this one, this time it is not, this one feels like an over load of anxiety, I feel like a tantrum an infantile seizure. Not sure if I want to cry or scream for help. Than I remember my clonazapam, my only savior not much choice this is the hand I have been dealt by the powers that be. Every time I tell myself, I have to catch it in advance stop the madness before it begins but the madness catches me and I reach for my meds, the candy to the kid inside me. The only alleviation to my distress. I recently saw this movie...

I once had a dream, it was in blue and green, clear sun drenched waters and the call of Mother Nature all around me. Yes, my friends if you want to live a dream visit this wonderful place. I have concluded that God in all his wisdom created this place as a testament to his heavenly powers. For you will never see more beauty, more color or splendor than the wonder that is Muskoka. I shall miss you, but I will visit .You have left a mark on me that is tender to the touch. The call of the loon in the evening is the song of the night. I sometimes close my eyes and deep in thought, I listen for the night bird and its song to drown out my City life.

For most of my life, I have lived with my eyes wide shut. There are times in our lives when we question ourselves and suspect that not everything we see is all there is. I search deep with in my heart deep down into my soul and I have come to only one conclusion, my life has not even begun. I open my eyes but fail to see the light; the darkness of my past blinds me. The truth is there, I know it is. Happiness cannot be very far. I have to think about all those around me whom I have done wrong. All those around me that truly matter; I wish I could make restitution but fail to see how. I believe that the road to forgiveness is paved with acknowledgement. The first step of any program is admitting to your faults. There is no recovery without self-evaluation. Luke 6:37 "Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned My eyes no longer wide shut, however neither are they yet wide open.

My head is heavy and my heart is sad. I hold in my anger , I try to bottle it up but I am afraid .I fear when it reaches it's boiling point it will blow without warning or control. My life is like a volcano , laying dormant for a long time , bubbling inside and temperatures rising. I have felt the tremors many times I feel the pressure , my head feels like it will blow at any second.I fear for the outcome . I fight day and night to keep it under control. I pray for guidance and strength, it is all I can do....

I am so confused so afraid and feel so uncertain about my future.I want to move on ,I just want to live on , I just want to go on with my life and breathe with out gasping .I feel like there is a brick wall in front of me , my arms stretched out wide and my hand firmly on it. I have been pushing against this wall in a futile attempt to regain the convition of my life.I see the drag marks on the ground and the callouses on my skin. Yet I feel like this wall has not even budged an inch.This is the wall of my past and it is heavy. Heavy with the burden of sorrow and pain love gained love lost betrayal anguish and hate , I see anger and mistrust , I see all the graffiti on this wall, it is all the color of blood.I am tired of pushing this wall . I question myself ,am I pushing it or is it pushing me? What's holding me back? I wish I knew...