From the heart.

My friend! First let me tell you that every thing I said last night was true.I care about you and there will always be a place in my heart for you , whats left of it.

However I may have been a little tired ,and perhaps lacked some judgement.

I didn't have a pleasant sleep last night after we spoke.And the night mares I spoke of in the past ?. Well lets just say they have come back for an encore.


My friend I know I have not been honest with you ,I know I betrayed you.
I am man enough to admit this!
But now with a clear head I think about what you revealed to me last night.
I can't believe you have been spying on me and my personal life for two years if not longer.Checking my e-mail accounts .Reading everything perhaps before I, even did?.
I am riddled with shame for the untruths I told. I am burdened by remorse for the things I did.The heavy guilt load I carry could sink a thousand ships.

Why my friend ?why did you not confront me ? as my best friend ,as you always claimed to be .Why did you not tell me right away ,so that you may help me? why did you wait this long? was is for vengeance? self vindication ? was it just so you could humiliate me?Just so you could say, see I was right and you were wrong, is that why?

Never in a million years would I expect you to do this?
You infiltrated my private life and violated it.What else my bank account also ?

No worries there my ex and her wild pack of wolves beat you to it. you never did tell me exactly how far you went!

You should have written more in your e-mail last night so that I would have
been more aware of the situation and better prepared before I contacted you ,why did you wait to tell me that it wasn't an isolated incident? but rather many and for such a long period of time ,why did you wait to tell me this ,until way deep into our conversation ?

I wake up now saddened and depressed at the thought that you let me lie to you and you set us up for failure.Instead of you (if you truly loved me then) instead of you( the only person I know who deals with people with severe life issues and does this for a living!) .Why did you not try to at least do your job?
Why didn't you try helping me with my problem, instead you let it fester and rot!!!!
It's like someone telling you they are not an alcoholic , but you know they are still drinking , and so you leave a bottle where you know they will see it and drink it.
You see them you judge them you despise them you loath them you hate them for what they are doing you let them tell you lies, but yet you leave them another bottle.WHY?

I can't figure it out.Why did you let me waste so much time, feelings and emotions? why did you violate my trust and yet say I was untruthful?

Are you any better than me ? are your actions justified? how dare you?
I don't have any answers anymore just tears on my face and deep sorrow in my heart.Why my friend , why did you not see fit to intervene and help instead of just watching from the back row for the inevitable failure,
why my friend why?____________________________________________________________________________________


I have thought long and hard about the latest turn of events in my life, I have decided not to forgive you .Only because there is nothing to forgive! I don't know what I would have done in your place , I might have done the same maybe not.
But there has been so much anger in and around my life so much sorrow , that frankly I can not let myself stay angry with you.I will not be like those that have come and gone through the doors of my life.I will not let anger win.I am a better person ( at least I think) and that is all that matters to me , that I know I am a better person to be able to forgive and live on.Life is too short to carry such a burden , cause it truly is a burden. Hate and anger are the heavy weights in this unbalanced fight.But forgiveness and righteousness will always prevail sooner or later .So good bye anger good bye hatred you are not welcomed in my life any more. My tears flow , but don't despair they are tears of joy and triumph.
I win my friends I win!

___________________________________________________________________________________

The following is a response to someone I know that has reached out to me, if you read this know that I am here , my ears are open but most importantly so is my mind.



I will call him Mr X:

I am sad about your "friend's" decision not to include you in his wedding party because of what happened . You have to accept that life sometimes throws you a curb.I know that is easier said than done (trust me I know).But you have to be strong you have to prove to yourself first, that things can be different.Not that you can change yourself , I don't believe people change I believe people are who they are sometimes good sometimes not so good.
What I do believe is that we are all capable of both.You just have to decide which one you are? It is very unfortunate that people are blinded and can't see the forest for the trees.If he truly is or was your true friend he would first try to see how he can help you find that (good person) inside you.And help you get better, help you with your battle against this demon that takes over your body.
Instead he made a big mistake he decided it was easier to sweep you under the rug .Rather then help as a friend should.Perhaps he had influence with this haste decision not to include you, but you can't concern yourself with that right now.
Mr X I know you are feeling down and embarrassed about what happened but you MUST NOT let it get you down any further .When this Demon takes over and pushes the good person you are aside , the ignorance in people will always prevail.People in general are too busy with their own lives to worry about others like you me and more.It is unfortunate because we all need a hand to hold once in a while.We all need a little Patience and understanding ,but a true friend is an elusive animal.
A friend would come fully equipped with Patience and Understanding.

Patience requires , calmness , composure , tolerance but it also requires Backbone which your friend at this moment lacks a great deal of.
Understanding , if you look it up means to comprehend , to grasp the idea of. Your friend unfortunately does not grasp the severity of your cries for help.
I want you to look at your self in the mirror and ask yourself who you really are?
Are you Mr X the good or Mr X the not so good?
I am sure the latter doesn't apply , but you must figure this out first on your own before you invite that good person to come out .
Only you can help you be you! The good Mr X.

Only you can do this no doctors no pill no friend ( not I ) only you can help yourself with this monumental task.I say monumental because my friend I have also been there , and I know how difficult it can be to find the good person inside.
But you must ! you must not let that Demon win! You are better than that.

There will always be ignorance, its easier you see ,for people to be ignorant.The alternative would require too much effort for some. You can't be worried about that right now, because they are who they are or who they let themselves be.You have to think about you and making things better for you and your Family.But you must do it for yourself first.


Good luck ,God be with you.