Happy Easter!

Hello buddy, it's Daddy calling happy Easter, I love you can't wait to see you on Wednesday, bye bye!

That was the message I left my son this morning on his Mom's answering machine.She never picks up when I call, why ?

Not more than two minutes go by and I get a call, hello ? Hi Daddy, Happy Easter ! he says excitedly.Wow I just left you a message , you did? he asked.
Yes about two minutes ago, no matter I say ,happy Easter!. Daddy did the Easter bunny come by your house? . Of course he did he came by and left you a little something.
Daddy , I had an Easter egg hunt today! you did? where did you go?I asked.
no where , we had one here, I was puzzled . I suppose Mom must have had an epiphany ,she was never the type to do anything festive or anything that required any amount of effort.Maybe I was wrong , maybe some people can change.

No! I don't believe that for one second.

An Easter egg hunt?Good for you buddy , did you have fun? yes and we are coloring Easter eggs and I made a yellow one for you like your favorite color , he says proudly. Wow that's great thank you buddy.
I have to go Daddy ! he says ,Mom is calling me.

When will my son and I be able to freely speak on the phone without him being told to get off?.

Oh the joy a simple undertaking, like coloring eggs can bring to a child . I was somewhat bothered , I guess . All day I asked myself, why ? Why am I not there with my son enjoying this marvelment of an experience with him?

I sometimes have to remind myself why.

I guess it is OK to get lost in a fantasy at times, as children we all believe in ferry tales , maybe as adults some of us still do.
I guess maybe I felt a bit bewildered today , as I often do on special occasions.
I missed my son today, but I think what I miss the most at holidays is family. The family I thought I once had, little did I know that family was also just a fantasy.

Life goes on ,there will be many more Easters ahead , as there have been before us.
I just hope ,I get to decorate some Easter eggs with my son before he gets too old to say "I love you Daddy".

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pushed over the edge.

Image
Here I sit late at night my meds kicking in almost time for bed but time yet for one more smoke. What a hellish day I had, how do I always let people talk me into doing things I don’t want? Three fucking hours in bumper-to-bumper trafic. Metal, plastic and the smell of burning rubber in what must have seemed like 40 Celsius. Two screaming kids in the back and my anxiety medication was not doing it today after popping four Advil’s for my migraine that wasn’t cutting it either. All I could think about , between the screaming kids and the never-ending traffic. How badly I wanted to pull my car over to the shoulder to a screeching halt step out light a smoke and walk away from it all forever. The job search the uncertainty its all coming to a head if the kids hadn’t been in the car I would have driven into the first tree I could find. I don’t know, man what a fucked up day three hours just to sit on a dirty windy beach crowded with masses of common people like hoards of cattle. I despised
Read more

The end is near

 I thought I could forget , I thought I could forgive . But I cry almost daily , tears don’t always show but I cry , my heart cries . My heart bleeds my heart  aches . I’m reaching for more pills everyday . The thoughts are coming back . I see no light at the end anymore . I wish every night not to wake up . I welcome my end . I welcome peace in my mind . I wish I could make you understand what you did . At the worst time of my life , you took it all away . My hope  my happiness , my will to survive . You have destroyed me mentally and physically and have shattered me emotionally .I can’t do this much longer . I’m all alone I’m so lonely and no one would care . So why do I keep bothering to wake up in the morning ? I welcome the night , I welcome darkness . I welcome my end and I welcome eternal rest I’m so fucking  tired of being alive.
Read more

My son is being released from prison

 I’m torn about this dilema . I’m being advised not to let him into my life . He has caused so much pain and heartache . But he is my son nonetheless and I feel this parental  ( responsibility ) to be there for him . I’m in touch with him on a regular basis . But I’m sad every time he calls . This is not my son . The child I cherished and protected when he was little .  The child I tended to when he was ill . He sounds like  a stranger to me now . He speaks different and acts different . But I feel this parental need desire or guilt what ever it is . I feel I need to help him and be there for him .  Pray for me and pray for him . I don’t know what the future has in stored for him or myself . God I just wish he would wake up and see his ways are no way to live and will only lead him to this awful place again . Honestly I don’t think I can do this again . 
Read more