LOST INNOCENCE.

I was born in a small country in South America. My family was very poor, not that everyone that lives there is. Although it is a third world country there is still a tremendous amount of wealth.It is actually a very nice country , from what I can remember and seen in photographs.
I have a great deal of family members living there still , my parents visit from time to time , not as often as they would enjoy but simply when ever they can afford to.Some of my relatives are very well off, some have always been and some are still to this day extremely poor.
This caused for allot of heart ache and confusion for my sister and I.Since our parents were so poor and we never had anything, watching our friends and cousins get everything they ever wanted for Christmas and Birthdays, and we had nothing!My Mom and Dad worked very hard, from what I remember they worked day and night just to put food on our table. There is allot of my child hood that I don't remember about.Or as my sister has pointed out 42 years later, she believes I have simply blocked certain episodes out of my memory. I wish, I could only confide in her.
I think what started some of what I call (unblocking) was about seven years ago, I had I life changing event my, marriage was falling apart ,I had found out my wife at the time ,was having an affair, my company had been on strike for six months and I just could not handle all the pressures of my life, a huge mortgage a small child and no one to turn to for help. I was alone and desperate.
I ended up having a mental break down and spent about a month in a psychiatric ward and rehabilitation centre. I was also put on suicide watch.
I was assigned a Psychiatrist and saw him on a regular basis, one day as part of our therapy, I was asked to write a letter, not addressed to anyone in particular, a simple letter, a letter telling me , rather( reminding )me about my self my life and what I thought of it.How can I write after so many years just a simple letter? My life was more than just a simple letter as I was about to discover!
It was during the process of writing this "simple letter” that I discovered and perhaps "unblocked” some terrible secrets. Up until this time I wasn't even aware of some of the things I had gone through as a child. The poverty we faced daily, my Dads binging on alcohol , I recalled my poor Mom getting hit , I remember thing broken all over the house, it was terrible , just a terrible memory.
God knows I had been going through enough with my adult life and my current situation at home. This simple letter led to some very disturbing revelations, but the most profound was the discovery, and I say discovery because up to this point it had remained hidden in the vault of memories past.
I must have been five or six years old I remember it well now, I had gone on a family vacation. Not with my Parents, they could never afford such luxuries. My dear aunt and uncle "bless their hearts" since the lord hadn't blessed them with children, and they tried for many years. Took me on as one of their own, every outing they went on, I was like the child they never had.We went to visit some family friends of theirs in a different state, I didn't know these people, but since they were very close friends of my Aunt and Uncle, I had no reason to be suspect of anything.I had to bunk up with their teenage son I don't recall his age but he was in his late teens for sure.It was during the night that the incident occurred , and I guess I never said anything for fear that I had done something wrong to bring this terrible thing on to myself, and I was afraid of somehow being blamed , or maybe I was afraid they just would not believe me.Ater all I was just a child I didn't know what I was suposesd to do.The second night I was sent to his room again. I was mortified with fear, for I knew what lay ahead for me.My life was changed for ever in one night. My innocence was gone!
Years past and eventually I put it out of my mind, until now.
I will never forget the first time, after I had made this discovery when I told my wife; she was never the compassionate type. There was silence for a minute than she went on about what a terrible person I was and how I probably deserved it.
I have learned by now to accept ,that it was in the past, and there is nothing I can do about it now. But at times it is so difficult when our families gather and they speak of the old days in the old country and talk about all the trips and outings they brought me on when I was a child.I set there quiet, sometimes they ask, what is wrong, why are you so quiet? .
Too much time has past, I don't have the heart to tell them, and the sorrow , anguish and shame it would bring to my family would only cause me more pain. So I have decided it would be something they would never find out and I will take this secret away from them to my grave.

I am now 42 years old, but those two nights will haunt me for eternity.

Thank you for listening to me rant about this I needed to get it off my chest,It's a bit late here in Canada and my sleeping pills are kicking in I have not been able to sleep without medication for almost seven years since the demise of my marriage .Thank you once again.....