My Bleeding Heart.

It started with an unsolicited call , out of the blue that is.Hello how are you?
she asked, fine how are you ? I hesitantly replied.I have not heard that sweet voice from my past in such a long time , my heart melted and my thoughts went into overdrive. I didn't know what to make of this ,other than maybe perhaps she has read my blog and something triggered an impulse to succumb and give into the love that she might still feel deep in her heart for me.(perhaps it was wishful thinking).Not the first time I have been accused of coming to an unwarranted assumption.

My ex used to ask why are you reading into things? just because I put on my ring doesn't meant we are going forward anywhere. I wear it as jewellery.
Yea that's what a kick in the ass feels like.

Trying my hardest not to let her know that I was trembling with fear, not of her but the unknown. Fear that this conversation should also end in heartache.

The more we spoke the more comfortable I got , out of the blue I ask, hey what are you doing right now ? this was Sunday night around 10 pm My son was safely in bed at Moms, dreaming with the angels ( as my Mom used to say when she put me to bed, dream with the angels my son she lovingly would say ) .

Nothing! she replied, would you like to meet, maybe go for a coffee or a drink? shit it was too late to take it back , I had opened my self up and there would be no turning back from the uncertain punishment my soul would receive that evening.
Sure she said. Although delighted to hear this , proceed with caution I would tell myself, all the way there to her place.Did I listen ? no way, when does a man listen to others giving them directions?.Not even if it's coming from my own inner voice telling me your headed the wrong way, turn around "GO HOME".

I picked her up at the round about , I would always say to her slow down you walk so fast I feel like I am jogging when we go for walks (she would laugh) of course I was teasing her,she loved my humor.

I unbuckled my seat belt when I saw her step out of her lobby she was still the beauty I remember her golden hair and beautiful blue eyes, that of course since it was night time were impossible to detect, but I could see them , I could see them even if I was blind.

Of course I never had a chance to get out and open her door she was already there opening the door . Hello ! says she. How are you I ask? Foolishly forgetting I just asked the same question not more than twenty minutes ago.

Good she replied, than reached over and gave me a peck on the cheek.My heart melted a little more.For a moment I felt paralyzed .Where would you like to go ? I asked.
Any where you want , she said.OK lets go for a drink I said, and so we were off.
We got to a local establishment that I wasn't particularly fond of , it's a nice place don't get me wrong. I just was hoping for something maybe a bit ,dare I say it? romantic.
We talked for what seemed hours she was genuinely happy to see me happy.
I guess I had allot to say cause I never shut up all night.Or maybe it's because she was never a talker and I knew the only way to hold on to her that night was if I foolishly let my mouth run amok.

Anyway she always said she loved to hear me talked , and talk I did.
It was getting a bit late and we were trying to decide what to do next.I knew what I wanted ! I wanted nothing more than to lay in her bed with her arms wrapped around me all night.For I remember many nights waking up in a dreamy haze and thinking she was there next to me reaching out I tried to embrace her body only to wake fully to the realization that yet again "I was alone".

It took what seemed seconds to get to her place.I would invite you up , she said. But I am not sure it would be a good idea.I turned to her , she turned to me and I kissed her gentle lips.
I guess I should have just said good night and ran away when she pulled away from me so sudden , Sorry .I would like to come up also but I am afraid of , she finished my sentence yes I am afraid of the morning also.

Because we both knew nothing could stop the morning from waking us with the sad realization that love doesn't live here any more.

Lady love has seemed to have taken a permanent leave of absence from my life.

I knew when she didn't insist or at the very least try to persuade me to come up , I knew right there and then that I should have listened to that little inner voice that told me I was headed in the wrong direction."Men never listen"
She stepped out of my car and into the darkness keep blogging she said.The last words out of this precious creature were , keep blogging!

I sat there paralyzed once again, this time with fear . I feared that if I drove away I might miss her running back and yelling to the world I love you don't leave.

For one moment there I saw hope , she slowly turned her head and waved good bye.
I sat there with my car running polluting the environment , but did I care? no for I was watching what once could have been my only chance at happiness , walking away for ever.
I waited till she was safely inside , I watched her swipe her card that led her to a glass palace.What a beautiful building , so fitting that this precious creation of God should live here.
I watched that door close shut and waited , and waited .But such was my life alone again!
So I headed home or at least where I live , I don't know where home is, I just live here that is all.

I will never forget you my Darling nor will I forget how I let you slip by .You held your hand out to me to grab and like sand I let you slip through my fingers.

I will forever hold a place in my heart for you .